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I been feeling down and more down lately even I'm starting to feel like I'm falling most of the time but I couldn't keep the fact that I been hit as hard even it was more of a bump. Still thinking about that fight while playing pool hearing this band shouting and angrily want the crowd to go nuts just annoyed me. I do not understand humans these days even I feel like I lost my humanity again but just putting thoughts on how it happen just put the blame on our selves sometimes. Still I do not care even my thoughts are running again if you know what I mean. Just I do not understand why do I feel like I'm still in high school and why do I feel the need to hear people talk all at once but maybe it's I'm spinning out of control again.
I'm sorry but I had been feeling down mostly it's because of my choice that I keep picking nor maybe it's just the fact I do not want to feel hurt. I feel annoyed but I do not like talking about my problems even I learn to turn my back on problems I just feel like problems are always looking for me. I guess I shouldn't think about it even topic I encounter does bring back memories that I feel were dark times.
Again I'm sorry but I think I'm sounding bit off bit even that I'm just upset really. I'll explain even this is the second time things happen. I do not know if I said the first time but hearing the news bit late just blows my mind on how silly I am. No, I believe this is the third time but why do these event happen without my knowledge it happen is sad to be honest. If you think I need someone to talk to please do not bother.
Friend of mine died few days ago or so. I did not know-- again. I find it sad even we weren't close friends but I don't really see ourselves as friends even I try to fit in the group. In away again we are but it's just troubling to hear it even I did not shed a tear hearing about it. I just did not care yet in this moment I feel unmoved I just wonder why? He died in a car accidents so I heard but accidents happens right? Thinking about it I just do not know why I'm thinking about it even I saw him as a friend but I know he did too but the fact is I didn't know until now. It's like friend of mine they told me few months before his death that I was stun even I'm pretty sure I talked about it somewhere. Am I a bad person? I know deep inside I would feel guilty because of events and regret I have but thinking about it on my bed staring at the ceiling mindlessly deep in thought just upset me.
Is it because of my careless action that I regret about things that should be left again? I'm sorry again but it's been bugging me for few hour lately and again I don't think I want to talk about this nor do I want to talk about things that would trigger event of my past. If you did understand then why bring it up? No matter but I wish I did leave my past but I do feel like it trying to kill me somehow even with these nightmares but I guess it's because the kind of person I am and still am today.

Thinking about it I haven't change at all even meeting old friends so I think we're friends just blinding and mindlessly start up drama but I do not know why they bring things up. Even my so called friend and topic I read both online and offline do put me on the spot but I guess I myself should end it as a whole.
I do not know why but these stick of gum are becoming addicted and I do not know what else I should talk about but again I feel down and upset.
I mainly just wanted to post my thoughts today and forget it tomorrow. I should lay down and try not think about it and read comments about knowing me more with different people and just ignore them.
I do hate question I really do but I do feel hurt when some people ask one that hit me good. Right now I'm thinking a few that hit me good but my thoughts right now are just meaningless words but I do not think you'll read this at the moment. I don't think I care if you read it. . . sorry I'm just hurt
~ayame