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So I've been gone recently, and I know I haven't updated this journal in even longer. There hasn't seemed much point. I've stopped going to therapy for quite some time now, not because I'm better, but simply for... other reasons. And so much has happened it seems ridiculous to try to recount it in a journal and relive it all.

As for my last journal entry... I guess I should explain. The situation of Mitchell had been getting steadily worse for some time, Mitchell taking over Rupert for more than a month at a time. His... abuse was getting worse too, but I stayed because... well, I love Rupert. Anyhow... for a very brief time, Rupert was suddenly "better." There was no Mitchell, just us, and we both thought that Mitchell was gone, at least for the time being. We even finalised our engagement. Rupert and I are... were going to get married.

And then... after a really bad fight between Mitchell and I (in which I ended up in quite a bad position, thank God for Hasami's offer for sanctuary for a few nights and ice-packs and painkillers), Mitchell just... dissapeared. He never came back. Mitchell/Rupert had left me, the apartment, everything without a word. I was worried sick, because even though its Mitchell, he's still in Rupert's body. After a few nights of no sleep and worrying and waiting and looking, I ran across Mitchell and Andreas in the fest. Mitchell made it very clear that he and Andreas were back together, that I was... meaningless, and that the Rupert I knew never exsisted. So he left with that horrible ex-husband of his... who I know never treated Rupert well, and I couldn't do anything. I was afraid Andreas would kill me, and afraid for Rupert. But i couldn't find them... and so for the last month now, I've been alone. I kept telling myself he'd be back, that Rupert promised he'd always come back for me, but inside I know that he wasn't. We missed Valentines Day... and I just realised we were going to miss our first anniversary too. We never even made it a year.

Mostly these past few weeks I've been living with Chai and his roomate Ali at the Sun. I'd been going through some really hard times... mentally, being alone in the apartment after Rupert left. My... eating habits have gotten out of control to the point where I was hardly getting by, and I was severly depressed in a way that really could have lead to a place i didn't want to reach. I wasn't sleeping, I was having... very self-destructive thoughts. Chai... God what would I do without him? Chai pretty much came to my apartment and dragged me forcefully out of the house. I really needed that, looking back. We talked, he's made me see a lot of things about the way Mitchell treated me that I hadn't... let myself see before. Chai might be my closest friend in the world, right now. Especially after Dairoshi and I have been at odds for so long. Chai understands me better than anyone in the world, and it never ceases to surprise me how he sees right inside of me and my thoughts, knowing the way I think even at my worst. Without Chai I don't really know if I'd even be here right now. I'm lucky, really lucky, to have someone like Chai who cares for me so unconditionally.

So now? Rupert's gone. He was my family, my life, my everything. But I keep moving on, whether I want to or not. So I'm focusing on recovering. I'm thinking of seeking help. A lot of it. I'll probably go back to Dr. Clayton if she'll take me, and hopefully she'll reccomend to me someone who can help me with... other issues. Maybe check myself in somewhere. I don't know. Dairoshi has offered... no, insisted, on helping me pay for the apartment. It feels so very... empty without Rupert, and yet despite all the bad memories it holds, it holds so much of Rupert too. His clothes and work stuff are all exactly where he left them, sometimes I forget he even left. The bedroom still has Rupet's touches all over it. The photo's Endril took are still on the wall. People keep telling me I'll be okay. I guess the only thing left I have is to believe them, and for once... let them help me.

And Hasami, who had helped me out quite a bit... sometimes I don't know what to feel about her. If I was in her situation, I'd want to kill Dairoshi too. What he did was... unspeakable. And if I could only comfort her in some way... but the loss of a brother is something I can't imagine. And yet... I'm so torn between this. Dairoshi... he's my friend. Granted, he did a lot of horrible things to me. He focused all of his attention to making my life miserable when he... went crazy. But I care about his life regardless, because inside I knew that Dairoshi was still in there. It was taking a toll on me, Dairoshi and his "attention," especially in likght of all my Mitchell problems, and I knew Hasami could tell as well. And yet I love Hasami as much as Dairoshi. She's been a good friend to me, and I don't want to see her get hurt either. Sometimes I wonder how I make friends in this buisness, and why it just ends up hurting me. I think... one of my greatest fears is that Hasami or Dairoshi will end up killing one another. I don't think I could handle that, because I can't take sides. Soemtimes I wonder... I know Hasami cares about me as a friend. But sometimes I wonder how much I've simply been a "Source" to her, a source on Dairoshi. I feel responisible for letting them find eachother so soon. I feel responsible for a lot of things, for Mitchell, for Rupert leaving, for... a lot of things.

Rupert's gone. He's been gone nearly a month now, and I'm alone. So life moves on. All I've got to do is learn to follow suit.