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Yes, I know. I'm a big overdramatic idiot.

I'm sitting here at the university library, which is open 24/7, dreading going home. I told Hasami I'd go straight back to the apartment, but after the fest tonight, I simply can't. I've never... NEVER been so terrified. I'm practically shaking, and the librarian probably thinks that I'm some kind of crack-addict. I am so ******** scared, so scared...

I met Andreas. He's supposed to be DEAD... dead. I mean, I know he was lost, and simply assumed dead, but he wasn't supposed to be more than a bad dream for Rupert. But he's alive... so very, very alive. And he found me. By accident, in the fest, and he knows. He knows that I'm with Rupert, that I love him, that we want to get married one day... why do I trust people? Haven't I learned by now? He's come back for him... for Rupert. To take him from me. I see now where Mitchell comes from, though... all of Mitchell's petnames and attitudes. Andreas called me "kitten." That's when I knew, when I knew that I've lost before I could even begin fighting. Mitchell has been gaining on me, I've been able to hold him back less and less. When Rupert dissapears and Mitchell comes to be, I no longer have any power in my own life. I'm weak and helpless and broken and dying inside. This is what I can't tell Rupert. He's all I have that matters, and I can't show him how badly I'm affected, because my fear is that his own guilt will drive him away from me. And I don't think... I could live with that. Mitchell has completely stripped away everything I have in means of confidence, self-worth, meaning, but Rupert is the string of hope onto which I still cling to.

But now it's useless. Because Andreas lives. And as Andreas IS, in a sense, Mitchell... I've lost. He told me... that he would have what was his. Meaning Rupert. I know... that Andreas was unkind to Rupert. Horrible to him. But I can't help but in the back of my mind, wonder that if Rupert knew that Andreas was alive... would he even think twice about me? He deserves better than Andreas. I'm not saying I'm at all better, but... like Mitchell, Andreas is possessive. And if I can go by how Mitchell has abused me, physically, verbally, mentally... then I can only imagine what it must have been like for Rupert. Andreas made it clear that if I got in the way, I would pay. He will go at any lenght to get what he believes is rightfully his. I will fight him... somehow.

But no matter what I say now, Andreas' words ring true. <i>I have no right to a married man.</i> No matter what, Mitchell was right all along. Technically, Rupert and Andreas are still married, if he's alive. I am the other man, I am in the wrong here. I mean nothing. I cannot claim Rupert. And as is already clear, I cannot protect him. I have no right to Rupert, and he has no right to me, as he is... indeed, the husband of Andreas. Husband. To a dangerous man. Hasami told me that if Rupert deserves me, he wouldn't choose an "a*****e" like Andreas... her words. But... could I blame Rupert? I mean... if Rupert suddenly came back from the dead after all this time, wouldn't I jump for him too? What right do I have to even be here?

I have to tell him Andreas is back. I don't know how he'll react, what he'll do... I love him so much. It's at times like these where I wonder how there can be something like a God. As sad as it may be, Rupert is my everything. If I loose him, I may just fall apart completely. Andreas is just another thing trying to pull me away from Rupert, just like Mitchell. I'm scared and I don't know who to turn to. But there's no where to run and hide this time... I have to go home and face Rupert. Have to tell him that the man who has haunted his dreams, has haunted mine as the final thing that will take him away, has returned, and is prepared to come after us both. Rupert's husband. I no longer have a place in his life. I want to scream... I want to cry... I want to pray, die, run. But I have a feeling that I will loose Rupert. I'm going to loose him. I'm going to loose him.