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Well, I've officially hit a low point today. I feel like a piece of s**t. I feel like I'm doing a s**t job with gram, I feel like I was s**t friend to Ash... I feel like I can't do anything right and all I'm trying to do, all I've ever tried to do, is just survive and make it to the next day. I feel like I can't win for losing. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I know this feeling will pass but wow. This is the strongest I've felt it lately.

I had to call a nurse to come check on gram tonight because her oxygen was 87. Idk why. She's been having a cough but they said her lungs sound clear. What I was never told was that she had anemia. While the nurse was here gram was laying flat on her back. Idk why, Idk for how long. The bed sore is bad right now as it is. She went to check the bed sore and she needed a diaper change. She said it looked like it's been there for a while. I didn't tell her this but I don't even know if I checked her yesterday. She told me I need to be changing the dressing for the bed sore and biliary when they get wet. I was told 3-5 days on the biliary and 2-3 on the bed sore. I change it sooner though, but not as soon as it gets wet. I knew I should have been changing it sooner though. When she changed the biliary the stitches that connected the tube to her skin had come undone. Idk when, the last time I changed it was a couple days ago. That could get dislodged though, so she may need to go back to the er to get it checked out.

Then, my aunt sent me this video. She sends me stuff at times. It reminded me of Ash and I wonder if it could have helped her. It makes me so mad at myself because I wish I would have heard about it and sent it to her before she died. I've never heard of him and, honestly, Idk if I would have sent it to her, even if I had. I get so mad at myself though, so mad at God. There had to have been something to prevent it. I don't know what, Idk why I didn't have an intuition about it. Lularoe is a clothing company and I've been winning a lot of giveaways by them. I recently won a top for a friend, I didn't know she was having a rough time, but , apparently, she was. Things like that happen all the time. ...Why didn't it happen with Ash?