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I, finally, watched a video my aunt sent me a bit back called Detoxing Your Mind: An Interview With Dr. Caroline Leaf. She's a world renowned cognitive neuroscientist. Pastor Steven is interviewing her, he's the pastor of Elevation church. Wow!! Just wow!! She breaks down so much and gets you to understand how your mind works and how toxic thoughts and all can actually cause brain damage. I'm Christian but there's a difference between what I believe and the religious "I'm perfect, you're going to hell" people out there. That's why I love Elevation Church, they're real. They talk about how the religious stuff affects you and that you can't just go with the culture and say stuff that you don't believe in or haven't applied to your life. It's like a mask or like a facade. She also talks about how you have to deal with things, you can't just suppress it or it becomes toxic. Just about my whole life's problems are being suppressed right now. I knew that I needed to deal with them but never understood how.

She was describing how a constantly toxic mind is like a dying tree and a healthy mind like a healthy bush. She was also saying that if we say our problems out loud, it weakens their power over us. Identifying how you're feeling, why you're feeling it and working through it from there. She was saying that a toxic mind can actually manifest itself physically.

It really got me thinking. She said everything is about self awareness. She said every 10 seconds we have the choice to choose how we respond to something. So every 10 seconds we can retrain our mind to become less toxic. It takes 21 days to get to the sustaining point, where your mind starts really changing. It can actually physically change your brain. She said it is detrimental that you do not stop before 21 days or you'll have to start all over again. She said a lot of people get a serotonin and dopamine feeling in the beginning but when the feeling dies out, they quit. She said your mind doesn't have enough time to change or really retrain anything, so you lose all progress. It takes 63 days to create a long term memory. She said by then, it should become like a habit. It's mind blowing.

That just really made me take a step back and evaluate myself. I knew from the beginning of the video, that I have a very toxic mind. I knew before the video that there was something toxic about me because even I don't want to be around me sometimes. I hate how I act, how I respond, but sometimes I feel like I can't control it. I just burst, I hit a breaking point so often and so quickly. Now, it's going to be slowly trying to retrain my brain good habits and positive thinking and decisions. I really feel that could make all the difference in the world. I really want to try.

I actually started watching it because I was dealing with another hospice nurse last night and, again, pushing the dnr. She's only seen gram once, the night before at 12am. She told me the next night that she didn't look good and that it won't be long. Idk why, but some comments like that just get under my skin. Because of how many people I've lost the past few years, I go from pretty confident in my faith to I think they may die. I used to not be like that but I get scared. I didn't think it was going to be soon. She was tired and wanted to sleep, had the cough, painful bed sore and a lower than normal oxygen level. Yes, she was a bit confused but even she said that can happen when too much toxic stuff from the liver build up in the blood. The biliary is supposed to help drain it out but it keeps clogging off and on. Plus, last night when I called she was nauseous. Nausea is a symptom of pancreatic cancer, but she hasn't been showing symptoms. They delivered an oxygen machine yesterday. She got overheated when the machine was by her bed, it puts out a lot of heat. She wasn't running a fever though. Even I started to overheat and feel nauseous the little bit I was by it. What did she expect? I was just freaking out though, I couldn't sleep and my anxiety was through the roof. I was on the verge of tears but I was holding them back. Then, when I tried to let them out, I couldn't cry. I needed a positive input. So, I started watching the Detoxing Your Mind interview. Total change in the way I'm perceiving things now.