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It seems kind of stupid of me to write this, but honestly there's been nothing else on my mind lately and I've been meaning to get it off my chest. Even though I really feel like I've been getting closer and closer with my girlfriend, I also feel like we've been growing farther and farther apart...
I really don't know how to explain it at this point because I don't know what's wrong.
Sometimes I think the reason why she gets so upset with me all the time is because we don't have such a great relationship after all...
It's not that I don't think we do, because I love being with her. But I feel like, she's just....not as happy as she could be, or that she's bored and she's kind of just forcing herself to be in this relationship. That's the last thing I want...
It's probably just my insecurities getting to me, I don't know.
It's stupid, but it's kinda like those one word replies....when you try to talk about stuff to get things going and have fun and then it's just like, "okay!". It kinda feels like they don't even want to try anymore...and it kills me that we haven't just broken up already if she really feels that way.
I know it seems immature to just go ahead and write this out instead of talking to her about it but how stupid would that sound?
"You're not the same anymore, you barely want to keep any kind of conversations, maybe we should be friends after all. I wouldn't keep you in a relationship that's not making you happy."
....okay, well, maybe that doesn't sound so stupid after all....BUT STILL.
....I don't know...Honestly, I do feel like I'm just a friend sometimes to her. But maybe it's because I'm not appreciating the physical aspect of our relationship as much as our social one. I'm just so used to communicating away from one another that I've really been desensitized to how great it is being with her in person.
I love seeing her smile and kissing her and seeing her blush and telling her how much I love her. From just being together and acting like idiots to the times when we can just cuddle and watch anime and have pizza together...it's all really surreal. It's more than I could ever ask for.
But maybe it's really more than I deserve...I honestly have no idea.
Whatever happens, happens I guess. I won't force her to love me...I try my very best, I really do...I try so hard to work and get as much money as I can to do stuff with you...and it feels like your floating away...I'm starting to feel like it's become a one-way relationship.
It's funny cuz a week ago, we were cuddling and watching anime and being dorks....and then now I feel like this.
Marielle, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I love you, I really do. I'm sorry I have a hard time telling you these things because they seem ridiculous...going over it now, I'm kinda just laughing at myself for being so stupid.
Even right now, I don't know if I should just message you because I know that I won't get much even when I think it's something to talk about...maybe I'm asking for too much anyways.
Anyways, that concludes this entry and I feel slightly better now. I'll probably be back to write more whenever I start to feel insecure!