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As anyone who has ever loved would know, to really love is never easy. Especially when your heart has been broken. People take it for grantite how serious a heartbreak is if they dont know the connection they shared. Well, i cant do anything but tell my story because i have loved many times but never do they go right.

Ive grown up in a home with the best of both realms of relationships: Love and Hate. My parents at one point were inseperable and it wasnt even because they were being good parents, but they were in love. Even at 3 years old, i was smart enough to know that daddy loved mommy. Thats all i needed and life came easy. But as times move on, things change as things normally do. I was betrayed into my own family's downfall by being the secretkeeper that my father cheated on my mother. As i look back on it and finally mature into the more mature person i have become, day by day, my mom tells more of the story of the break up that i wouldnt have even conceived. My mom knew it before me, but refused to believe it and didnt allow it to hurt until i told her everything she needed for proof that she didnt kno: i knew her name, her car, license plate, her hometown, when and where she saw my dad, and that was when my mother began to stay much closer to me and she was home less because she was looking for a new home because she was leaving this house. By now my sister is less than a year old and hardly knew her father...

In the end of all this, i viewed over the lives of all my friends who have a true father figure in their life and how they are the people i want to be. I vowed to myself that i will be a better man than my father and prove to myself, my sister, my mom, and the world that there such a thing as a good black father. I wont be the man who leaves his family, or even if i cant, i will not put the harsh reality upon my children because as i grew up i suffered from depression, loneliness and most of all contemplation of suicide and no one should see that path let alone walk down it.

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I have never been the most appealing of guys and even when i gain a hint of attractiveness, i had the lowest self esteem low self confidence and never thought to ask for help because my heart didnt become cold but hardened. Ive blocked out the idea of my looks being a factor in what makes me the person i am. I rememberso many bad memories about my childhood growing up and how it hurt to even look at myself in the mirror because i was ugly, short, weak, unpopular, with big cheeks big feet and maybe 8 friends in total

Once high school came, i remade myself into a person i could like and not care what people said. I was getting smarter, more intellectual and appealed to a different crowd.... the nonexistant one. My first year, reallly bad, didnt like the school, didnt like the uniform, didnt like the kids, teachers and the only girl i considered cute was already taken, too old for me and infatuated with her boyfriend.

10th grade was what i call my turning point because i got my first girlfriend, finally got muscle, was actually smart, everything was just better, and then came gaia. An official member since october 22, 2007, i was hooked on this site my friends got me into. it was fun but i wanted to live the life i wanted to live thru gaia. i needed money, i needed clothes, i needed girls. i was in a rally one day and i was (still am) a playa and the smoothest flirt gaia ever knew. I walked up to any girl and if i liked her, i got her as a friend. One day, i was with a girl and i swear on my uncles grave, this girl walked in and its like the world went black, it was only me and her and she was the prettiest girl id ever seen on here. i left the girl in the middle of this conversation and i walked up to her and was pushed off for a second because she was with a guy. but he was nuthin because he was dressed like every one on=f the fake thugs wit braids and tattoos and she liked his personality but not so much his avi. I was on her like a fat kid at a buffet. iI never got online eithout saying anything to her, gave her anything i could, and i remember everything like as if i happened 10 minutes ago. she and i have a long history i wont bore u about but she was my world. i was there for better or worse when she wanted me, she knew how to get me, she and i cried one day because we were both agreeing on the fact that how we are in love, no questions asked and yet she lives in Texas whereas im in delaware.

So i disobeyed my mom because i gave her my number. really u shouldnt do that but i trusted her wit everything i had and my number was no exception we hit it off from the moment i said hello and she screamed because she loved my voice, and me.

time goes on about 2 1/2 years and it dont work out but more and more come around and im getting my heart broken time after time again all within a 3 year time span and im at my wits end

I was within a hrooible mess with 16 girls who i liked and they liked me too but i couldnt remain faithful and cost a girl her whole world and she hasnt gotten over me but im past her and have run into my "dead end".

This is only for Dede. I have been lied, cheated, betrayed, hurt, ignored, pushed away, came from the bottom and brought back down, have enough will to love on last time. I have no one to turn to if you leave. i cant turn back now because my heart has exhausted all the love it can give and im dying, I will not make it out of one more relationship. I dont trust that this will last, i dont trust all these things tat we've talked about and i fall asleep that i believe u. im no longer crying myself to sleep, cursing God for failing me at life, hating females because they have too high of standards, and i can even dream of u now that my nightmares of a lonely life have faded.

You have the unfortunate task of one thing. you are my last hope for i will no longer love anymore if i cannot be happy. U have ur own past of pain and i will not let u walk down this past like i did. The only reason im here is because i have the will of true love and i have Him to guide me. I need you to love me eternally as i will you. we've come so far and i can only hope to continue =] i love you and there is no word i can use so u have to trust that i will never leave u, hurt u, abandon u, neglect u, reject u, allow harm to come ur way and you are the greatest love ive ever known