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(The Deepest of Sighs....Part 2)

I love her. In our dark ages, I had lots of trouble with school and home. (Ok I still do, but it was worse). She would be cheery and I pushed her away, too caught up in my problems. Later on, I tried to grow out of that. Ironically, during that time I tried to be more affectionate, and only focused on her. She was going through extremely rough times with her mother. So I would be cheery and she pushed me away. The past was wonderful, but all she can seem to remember it for is all the guilt and pain we flung at each other. So step 3 is old wounds were constantly reopened, especially on me.

I love her.This is why I had to back away. I started going to church more and Pastor has been speaking some great messages on love, self worth, and what's on your mind. As I read the Bible I began to realize that God does want us to love ourselves. He loved us all enough to give up His Son Jesus. He asks us to love Him, love ourselves, and love our neighbor as much as we love ourselves. I began to feel a bit of worth coming back. Cause how much pain can you take before you feel like nothing? I'm trying to climb out of the dirt and I tried to take her with me. She doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to edify herself. She wants to stay in her corner where everyone can dump their problems on her and she can make others feel happy without thinking of herself. How can you love someone that doesn't love themself? It just eventually doesn't work out. And that's what happened. I tried and tried until eventually I felt I was just getting more pain than it was worth, not to mention all she was getting out of it was pain. Read what all I say. Perhaps I am just cold and insensitive? If you think you know what ways I should speak to her, tell me. I am open to listening. Otherwise, maybe we'll both develop in time. But if nothing gets solved, then history will just repeat. In all honesty, there was little I did for her that I can't do as a close friend and not boyfriend. I'll always love her and she'll always mean the world to me. I just...have to find out who I am and how much *I* mean to me now....