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(Getting up from the bed of nails...)

First journal entry of the new year. It's still hard to imagine another year gone. Here I sit with pretty much the same problems of last year.I am lonely, yet so much pain makes me think of closing off my heart. I don't, because I refuse to hit rock bottom. Why? Why are humans so easily guided by pain? If you shock us, every time we try to get a cupcake, we grow a hatred or fear of cupcakes (or in special cases, a love of pain). How degrading, to be like timid animals, and yet, it's so effective. Is it selfish to wish to retreat to a corner when I think of love? It's almost like instinct now...I see it, and I truly can't stand the behavior.

In other news, I am still healing the minor injuries of my accident. School is coming around again, but I'm not sure what to do. I can't afford tuition and dues, and I think I may just go to a tech school; just so I can have something more complete on my records, and a better experience in the field I want rather than what my school is currently giving, or rather not giving me at all. I'm still without a job, and now that I have a new car, I will soon be responsible for paying for it. Bills and debts are just coming down on me hard. I just can't give up.

What's wrong with me? I used to be so strong and stubborn. Where has my joy gone? I'm constantly depressed, constantly feeling down, and just in a state of constant guilt and pain. I want to be free of it all, but I just don't know how. I strive to keep getting stronger, what else can I do? If I am to get right back into full commitment, I have to be able to handle the pressures and pains of love without just breaking down and crying over and over again. Will anyone wait for me to be strong again? My greatest fear right now is being too late...just like last time, coming back too late to count. Too late to matter...*shakes head* I can't dwell on such things. I just want to be there for those I love. Pray for me, please, and don't give up on me.