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This has been weighing down at the pit of my stomache. Ever since that whole thing with the new yeasrs party, it seems that cherish won't speak to me. I feel like I've really upset her. Perhaps it was me getting all down on myself because I seriously felt like s**t. Why won't I be forgiven. This is why sometimes I think I am no different than that low down a*****e, Jeremy. A spiritual vampire. Nothing but dark vibes in my system. And If I don't talk to Cherish soon and resolve this whole thing I don't know what I am going to do. And for some reason I get the feeling that her mother really dosne't like me that much. What makes it worse is that her mom is phsychic, so she probably sees something bad in me and now I feel even worse. Don't get me wrong, Cherish's mom is a sweetheart, but I still don't think she likes me. You see some people mistake my chaos side for evil. It's a part of myself I will never be able to get rid of, but I'll tell you it has saved me many times. I would've never got away from Jeremy without it, that's for sure. i usually go into Chaos mode when i am around a person who is disrupting my aura. It's my defense system. And sometimes I can hurt that person if I don't get away from them. THat's why many mistake me as being evil when really I am not.

And then there is Dustin. At least I think that's his name. I just can't stand it. I've been waiting awhile to see him. It's still not Sunday. I just can't stand this waitng and this anticipation. My head is doing three sixties and I can't seem to get things strait. I've been spacing out more than normal and my heart hurts at night and I can't seem to get myself to sleep. I've been more weird than normal. Mood swings are an hourly thing. I find myself getting emotional and crap and I'm not even on my ******** period. Not only that, but my body doesn't seem to understand the meaning of " I can't ******** masturbate at work!" I feel as if I am about to go nuts. My heart, my mind, my spirit, and my body. All going haywire. What the hell is up with me. I don't even know the guy yet he is driving me up the wall. It like I will go crazy if I am not with him. I can't be in love? I mean yeah I believe in love at first sight...but last time I let myself do somethign that stupid I got hurt...big time. I mean, what if this time is no different? What will I do if he thinks I am too ugly? What if he has a girl freind? What if i am just not his type. i will wallowing in my tears again like with Aaron. Maybe I should jsut shut these feelings away and maybe they will dissappear and I won't get hurt again. It seems that all I deserve is hurt and pain. i mean really. i screwed up so bad with my friends Cherish, Persona, and Lyndsey. Now it seems that they want nothing to do with me. They won't even return my emails. I feel so exhausted and I just want to rest and heal, but I know I can't. I've done this s**t to myself.

Oh Aura, why did i have to fall flat on my face in love again? Am I really just that ******** retarded? Or do I just enjoy being in agonizing pain?

I just want to cry right now. I think i am in love...stupid weak littel thing called a heart. Dose it ever use any sort of logiv whatsoever. I'm nost sure If I trust it so much anymore...after all it led me to Aaron.