The thing is, your looking at your life. In about a month your gonna be old enough to drink. You haven't accomplished anything but somehow managing to survive at some corporate hell for a year and a half. And to make matters worse, you still live with your parents. And little by little you've been trying to get an education at a school where no body teaches you anything, and your parental units are constantly ragging on you about your future. But somehow, you feel you have no future. You feel you are stuck. Why? Because your stuck at a job that only pays you just below minimum wage, your mothers constant nagging has gotten you to the point where you can't even think. You can't even breath. You want to fly, you want to do something with your life, but you simply lost the will. You suddenly don't even know what you want to right down in your journal, and can't even get your pen to scratch down the chaos that is in your mind. Even poetry makes more sense than what your thinking. You feel like you want to draw, but of course, you don't know what to draw, and when you finally figure out what you want to draw, you realize you lack the skill. First, you think it's because you been trying to get over some mother ******** you totally ripped the hell out of everything you are. Then it hits you.
It's because you are almost 21, you live with your parents, and you come to the realization that everything your doing, EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE DOING, is to please them. Is to stop the nagging, is to get them to shut up. It's to keep them from losing faith that you'll succeed, and to keep them from comparing you to the hoity toity honors students that are looked up to because they follow the ******** crowd. It's to keep them from telling people that you have failed at basically everything.
You come to the realization that the only way you will succeed is if you get away from the nagging. It's time for you to gather some friends and plan to find an apartment. Then you can figure out your life without the nagging, without somebody nagging on you about what you should do with your life.
You realize that it's time to start making your own decisions, and time for you to use the power that you were given to make the world yours. And it's not for anyone. Not for mom. Not for dad, not for your white collared relatives that live in Beverly ******** hills. It's for no one. NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.
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I know my little scenario here seems a bit harsh. but thats how life has pretty much felt in the world of The Dagger.
Seriously, I've come to a point where i don't know what to write, I don't know what to write, and I feel that i've lost the will to keep trying.
At first, I thought it was because I had wasted myself over that stupid ******** Brandon.
As most of you know, or at least as far as my close firends know, he was this really hot guy who dressed like an 80's punk rocker. For two months I swooned over him and then I finally had the balls to talk to him, with the help of my friend Ryan of course. He seemed real nice at first. But then the ******** shot me down. And Ryan down as a friend too. And man, he was harsh. When I tried to explain that my advances weren't out of fangirlism, he put up his hand stating that he would not listen to me becuase I was not old enough to buy alcohal. What a ******** deuchbag. I was pretty depressed after that too. And it's been really hard getting over him. I'm doing better now, but I can't help but still want to at least use him for sex. ( then drop him in the gutter and he can go become a whore on Bethany Hoe road.)
No, that s**t was only a small fraction of what put me at my block.
i realized that I've just been plain out depressed. And it's not due to some chemical imbalance that doctors and people trying to sell antidepressants would like you to believe. I am depressed for good reason.
I am gonna be 21 in a month. I live with my mother still. Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and stepfather to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But honestly, I feel that my need to succeed is based off of what they think of me. I feel if I don't go to school, if I don't become some huge thing in the world, they will look down on me and think I'm a loser. And hell it's starting to get to that point. I've been to going to GCC for three years and I haven't accomplished anything. Why, because I haven't had much of a chance to figure out what I want to do with my life. Because in high school, they even rushed me then. They pushed me to hurry up and figure it out, and all it did was make me feel discouraged. I wasn't allowed to breath and figure it out on my own. And now as an adult I'm getting the same pressure. And I've come to the realization that maybe it's time I get a better job and move out. Not because I hate my parents. I love my parents. They treat me well, they've looked otu for me, and they push me because they want to see me succeed,but being the type of person I am, I can't deal with this type of pressure. I can't deal with the nagging, the three hour talks about my future, and the constant inqueries of waht's going on with school or whether I filled oout that scholarship. Even if it's not there intent for me to succeed for them, I feel like I AM doing it to please them.
Don't get me wrong. I want to do something my life. But that's the thing. It's my life. I need the right to explore, to ******** up, to fail, to try again, and to try something new. I need the freedom to do something because I know it's my element.
Speaking of elements, that brings me to my ******** job.
I work at AMF Union Hills which for the past year and a half has become hell on Earth. At first, i loved working at union hills. I enjoyed workign snack bar and joking with my coworkers, making food, and making money. We had a great manager who knew how to make a schedule. She never put you in there by yourself. People wouldn't quit after just a month and we had a cool group of people. It was laid back, we all had fun. Then our stuffed shirt a**l retentive district manager who is about as close to Darth Vador as you can get decided to fire her. Since then we've gone through managers like a chain smoker goes through a carton of cigarettes. Not only that, but because of this, I make less than the new people. We've had new items added to the menu that make it almost impossible to mult-task because they want to make the the snack bar into a five star restaurant. Yet, they want the food done in a timely manner, now that wouldn't be a problem if they new how to ******** make a schedule. A good example of bad scheduling at my job...and it's one of many. This is what it's been like for the past year on extreme nights. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, extrem bowling is basically when we have the flashing lights, the unlimited bowling, the music videos and a bunch of excited teenagers. And with many excited teenagers, that means the demand for burgars, fries, subs (for the cheerleaders who want to be america's next top model....and for jared.), and pizza goes up. Unfortunately, for the past year they haven't though of this. because here's how they make the schedule. 3 people in the bar, one lane server, two people in the snack bar, and 3-4 people at the desk. And if that isn't enough. They schedule for one of the people to leave an hour early before the snack bar closes. And usually the person that is "lucky" enough to stay for that extra hour is me. Now that may not seem like a big deal. but let me tell you, once my coworker leaves, that's when it gets busy. They line up like they will never eat again. And in the midst of my frustration fo having to take orders, make food, and deliver food ( because the lane server's main funtion is to bring the alcahal.) , both the MOD's have to leave what they are doing to come help me. Which is not fair to them. And then they ******** wonder why I get so ******** mad! Now I understand I should control my temper better. Beleive me, I know this. But it's really difficult when you are stuck suffering because someone didn't make the schedule right. Someone else didn't use their ******** heads. Oh, that isn't evne the worst. I remember one weekend, a holiday weekend mind you, they decided to schedule me alone with a new guy. So on top of doing two to three peoples jobs, I had to train someone, and boy was it ******** busy. I lost my mind. And this was two nights in a row I had to deal with this bullshit. And because of the this, I got written up. now I understand that my behavior and my lack of sanity was innappropriate, but they didn't even take into consideration as to why I lost my sanity. For god sakes, they put me in a position where I had to do four peoples jobs. On top of that, the snack bar was a ******** mess becuase I was the only one who had the mind to clean, and mister new guy didn't. And guess what, I couldn't clean becuase I was stuck cooking and delivering food. and making pizzas, Why because on such a busy day, the only useful thing the poor new guy could do was run register. And it sucked for him becuase he had to be caught in the line of fire. luckity he was a nice guy and luckily I new him before he came to work there, so he understood. But I felt really bad. And it was bad. But like I said, These people didn't even understand why I lost my cool. Becuase if they understood, they wouldn't have started to schedule better.
Luckily though, my family did start a business so I now work at a coffee bar along with the bowlign alley, but since it just started out, I don't really get a steady pay check. And since I recently once again lost my temper, I got my hours cut. So basically I'm pretty much ******** financially. So guess what? It's time for me to find another job.
though no way in hell do I want to deal with food. Beverages ( like barista or bartender) is fine, but not ******** food. I love food, but working in that kind of industry really ******** sucks. I want something that's more my element. like retail. I like retail. I've worked retail. and it was a relaxed environment. I'm gonna shoot for a book store, or an art supply store, or a game store, or even a clothing store. Eitehr way, I gotta find a new job. I need the money, especially if I plan on moving out when Jeremy, Yolie, an mario do. Mario is already looking at apartments actually because he wants to get away too. His family treats him very unfair i think. His sisters get to be spoiled and he's basically treated like the cinderella of the family. He is dying to leave, but unfortunatly like me he's looking for a job too. Though I do have a job, it's not working for me. It sucks, and I'm misrable.
On top of my stress, I got a lovely letter in the mail saying that I have to start paying of my damned student loans, and I haven't even graduated or anything. I haven't even gotten around to going into what I want to do with my life. luckily it will only be 50 dollars a month, so if I get a decent job it should be ok, cuz it will be just like paying off another bill. Plus, I need a to get a better job anyway so I can also get my phone up and running. I'm getting sick an tired of not being able to use my cell phone. and it's annoying that people can't get a hold of me when they want to talk. Besides, I know that when I move in with mario, Jeremy, and Yolie when when we get an apartment, we are not gonna be able to afford a land line. We are gonna need cells phones to keep up the lines of communication. Not to mention I would like to be able to keep in touch with my family.
But my first step to freedom is finding a new job. Enough of AMF's corporate nonsense. They all need to ******** pull their heads out fo their asses. Seriously, my definition of corporate america is this. Fallible human beings expecting perfection out of fallible human beings for the sake of greed. And many people agree that that's not far from the truth.
Well, I prolly should get to bed soon because I gotta get up early tomorrow so I can deal with some more corporate bullshit. And I need to shower and s**t. Yeah, I have to put up with the bullshit for a little bit longer til I find a new job. I can't afford to not have one really so I'm stuck for now until I find something. Maybe on monday I will go down and apply at Michaels or soemthing. And they have some other neat places in the area.
Wish me luck. And sorry this was ridiculously long, but I needed to get this out there. and I know that many of you have been asking what I am doing over the summer and what I'm doing with my life, so here's your answer. I'm hoping to move on and be something. If it's one thing that stupid ******** a*****e Brandon did teach me that was valuable, it was to quit marveling and be something. And by golly it's about time I be something. And it's gonna start with getting out of a corporate mess, getting out of my parents house, and being able to breath and do things for me.
EDIT: It was not the coffee bar I lost my temper at by the way, I still work there and I still work the same hours. It was the bowlign alley. I love working as a barista. Besides. As everyone knows, The dagger thrives off of caffein.
