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16:03, 3/29/10.

After an astounding recovery from what felt like multiple migraines this morning, I've been doing homework all day.
It would not have taken all day if I could focus for more than a question at a time.

To make matters worse, my mom asked me how I was doing and rather than tell her that I can't focus, I said that the things are scattered throughout the chapter which makes it a little difficult to do. Which is also true.
I got a reaction I wasn't expecting, a total tirade of 'Well, why didn't you read the chapter first? Doesn't he go over this in class? Why don't you take notes on it when you read it before you do the test?'
When I tried to explain that I do read the sections I need to as I go, she exploded. "You shouldn't just read the sections you need, you should read the whole thing! And take notes! You guys take notes in class on this? Why hasn't he done it yet?! He's testing you on material you haven't even learned?"

Basically I just got told that my mother understands how my history teacher wants his work done better than I do. I've had him for three years since he is my homeroom teacher, I've seen the products of his classes, and I know what he wants from us.
She bases what he wants off the super-strict professors she had in college.

I wonder how I survive this constant, unintentional judgment from my own household...and it's no wonder I'm suspicious of everyone's opinion of me when I am not safe anywhere from social judgment.

It especially sucks that my mother is conservative by nature and does not understand that I live in a different generation where being friends with boys does not mean they're all my boyfriend, that I need more than one mini for DnD and it's not wasting money, that I can't go to the LARPs in plainclothes because it would actually look stupid, and that by permanently sheltering and spoiling me the way she's always done I am turning into a social nitwit who can't talk to people. I'm loud and annoying up until I have to talk to someone I don't know, like a receptionist at the place I got my hair cut. Then I have absolutely no idea how to answer any question and almost cry from embarrassment since I can't respond without prodding from my dad.

I never feel like I'm good enough because all I ever hear all my life long is that I'm not good enough for her expectations of me. She expects me to be like all her friends' kids combined. Perfect grades, pretty, job, doing 'normal' things, etc.
Yet here I am, A's and B's, content in my own skin, jobless, and doing things that I find fun whether they're socially 'normal' or not.
And somehow, being happy with who I am is not enough for her.

I don't know what she wants from me. I think she wants me to be more like her. I never want to be like her; I never want to emotionally ruin my kids (if I ever have any). It's even worse because she doesn't even mean it.
All mothers from her side of the family are unintentionally emotionally abusive. And it never ends because we grow up thinking it's okay unconsciously, and then project it when we become parents ourselves.

I don't think I'll ever have kids, just to save myself from that fate.
In the meantime, I'll stick to painting metal miniatures, kicking gnome a**, and being with real friends instead of fake ones. I don't want to party, hang out with kids at the mall, or do drugs/whatever. I know I'm odd, but at least I'm happy with my friends. And I know we're not cool by everyone else's standards but we're completely awesome to me.
I am not a normal teenager and I wish people would stop thinking I am one.

16:17, 3/29/10. Back to the history test that is ruining my day.