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Weird.

Is that really the image I portray to everyone?
It doesn't bother me as much as it seems (since I won't let it go), but I thought only my friends thought I was weird...not so much EVERYONE.

I don't even know why my brain is stuck here, at this point in my day. I guess it's just struck a bit of a chord that I hadn't thought of.
What if Ben thinks I'm weird too? Granted, he'd be a bit hypocritical to say that about me, but...
I don't know anymore.
He drives me nuts with his constant sarcasm and negativity but at the same time...I'm repeating myself from previous entries and previous months of thought.
You guys know the idiocy behind all this already.

A friend told me today that deja vu is a sign that your life is on the right track.
I've been having more and more deja vu moments recently, and I'm not sure if that's from my almost-constant state of living within my own thoughts, or that.
I almost never get deja vu involving him, though. I think this is kind of surprising, considering how I almost never stop thinking about him somehow.

Which is just completely insane.
Granted, I'm sure most people when they first get a crush on someone are like this...but not for going on two years solid.
At this point, I don't even have any excuse. Any time I have a brain to myself that's not occupied on class, I'm lost in some dream world of mine that either involves stories I'm reading, the one I'm trying to write, or something with him involved.
My 'sad face' is often caused by the latter, because I'm starting to hate myself for being so stupid.
I'm not going to be the typical teenage martyr and say he doesn't deserve me; quite frankly, I could care less about whether or not that's true. I only find myself a fool here because I don't have the courage to do anything about it and make things better.

I guess it would be easier if he were an easier person to read.
Damn him and his personality problems, making this task of mine virtually impossible.
Damn his family for making me like him even more by everything they say about him.
Damn me for not trusting in myself enough to not ******** this up, too.
Damn, damn, damn. Son of a ******** dammit, what am I supposed to do? When not around my friends, I have absolutely no social skills. Although he is one of my friends, things like this put me into a position as if I were around complete strangers. Being an idiot and asking him to homecoming, I remember I couldn't raise my voice high enough so he could even hear what the hell I was saying.
Hooray for quasi-antisocial upbringing and general social failure on my part!

I guess another problem is that I always get like this around this time every year. The only difference is that it's worse this year by about infinity. Maybe my heart and brain and existence finally realized time does indeed pass and I'm running out.
So until I'm out on my own I'll just keep reeling in my years and stowing away the time in my memories, until I get to the end of my recording time.

I just hope this regret doesn't end up in the final cut.

Out, damn spot. Remove thyself from my conscience and free me from thy chains. Resolution to mine problems, where art thou?
I guess I never can get a decent conclusion...both in my writings and in my life.