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Good e'ne.... The last time I sat down to write, I did it with the intention of writing about something rather bothersome to me, but with all that was going on, and the begging call of sleep, it got shoved off to the side. The next morning I convinced myself that those thoughts were unimportant, that it was just me being a depressed emo kid, and that they would pass in time. Yet, a few weeks have passed sense I wrote that entry, and the thoughts still linger, better yet a few friends have called me out on such thoughts. So I guess they were more important than I first assumed, and despite how admiting these things makes me feel, for better or for worst, here they are. The way I see it is that this is my space, my mind put on paper for all to read. This has been my thoughts, pure, un altered, not worried about hurting others feelings, buttering things up, all that jazz. And that's how I want it to continue to be. And if worst comes to worst and after I sleep and have some more sense, if I want to I can always take this down before others eyes can soak it up >.<

There's so many ways I want to start this, to say this. Guess the best way would be to state that I'm not ashamed of these thoughts. Certain people might read these and feel like they have won, like I'm admiting defeat, or hanging my head.... And that is not the case. My emotions make me who I am, my struggles make me stronger, and I regret nothing. With that said.... I hate you.... I hate you with every fiber of my being. I hate the way you cast me aside so easily, and now that I look back at things it seems like I'm not the first you've done this to. I hate the way you treated me, and still treat me. The way you hurt me so.....willingly, so easily, with small little gestures that you seemed so unaware of. I hate the way you played me, like a stupid little wild card in some troubling card game. But the thing I hate the most is how heavily you weigh upon my mind, while you seem to walk about so un-effected by these events. You walk around shameless to what you did, guiltless, as if you have no conscience to watch from it's perch on your shoulder.

Last time we spoke you said that I spoke in nothing but riddles, perhaps that's right, perhaps not. I don't intentionally speak in riddles, but it seems like the things that matter the most, and the thoughts, the ideals, the ultimate ending, arn't really as important as we thought they were. Instead I think the train of thoughts that get us to the ending are even more important, more truthful than a yes or no answer, or someone simply showing you the way. It's like school, we would have learned nothing if teachers just gave us the answers to our equations, instead they showed us WHY e=mc(squared).

The biggest problem I have with the way things ended, is that you say I never opened up to you. You were the most important part of my day, the most exciting, calming, nerve wracking, exhilarating, part of my day. I shared everything with you, every thought, every view I had. But yet, because I didn't have any life threatening issues, you assume I wasn't open to you. I say this simply from studying how you interact with others. You thrive off of problems, you love it when others come to you with these over burdening problems, the man with a god complex who's reduced to a little emo kid, kids with parent issues, people with major insecurities, you love and live off of picking people up from their lowest.... But what you seem to overlook was that I wasn't hiding anything from you, I wasn't at my lowest, I was recovering from it. I didn't have family issues BECAUSE if you ever bother to read my last journal entry (considering if you even read this one), my parents just split in a very ugly divorce, mom tried to kill herself, brother tried to kill me, couldn't get a job, got kicked out of my house. etc etc. Things were finally coming together for me, I had a girl that made me feel amazing, friends that were finally looking true, a few job leads. Basically I was done worrying about all these problems, cause all it did was send me to bed disgusted and depressed, I quit worrying because I put myself in gods hands.

I find it somewhat funny that you say the only time I opened up to you was that one time I was drunk. Because if anything, that was when I flat out lied to you. I knew how others confiding in you made you feel. And well, I was drunk, and here you were.... And I wanted to make you feel like a queen. So I dug up some old skeletons, reduced myself to a quivering mess and cried in your arms... Even called up an old friend at three in the morning to rant to them and cry to them.... All to make you feel special. I willingly traded my pride so that you could have what you wanted..... Which hurt even more because not even a week later you threw the entire thing back in my face. Think I'm bullshitting you? Well than why is it that the entire night went by and I said nothing about it? Not until everyone was passed out except me and you? I led one into the bathroom to pass out, puked enough to get alot of the alcohol out of my system, checked to see the only other person in the room was out cold, and told the old friend to get ahold of an old contact that we ALL had tossed his number away.

You hurt me before you even broke up with me.... Flipping those emotions of your's like a childs game. First I led you back to Christ, I saved you, you made me feel so great, so complete and special. Talking about how I made you glow and all the other stuff you loved about me... Than, over night it was gone. We went from crying in the parking lot thinking afraid that I was going to leave you, to blowing me off completely over night. The thing that hurt the most though, was my b-day party. Let's face it, that was my b-day, but it was your party. The entire reason I wanted to go down there again was because you didn't get to go the first time. I knew you'd have fun, that you'd love it. I tailored the group that we went down with so that, yes they were my friends, but they were my friends that I knew you'd mix well with, that you'd have a blast. I told you about it weeks in advance and everything. Than when the day of rolls around you inform me you can't make it, that you don't have the cash for it.... Even though the day before the party you had enough cash to go blow a couple hundred bucks on tattoos. You have no clue how much that hurt, to know that I wasn't worth more than some ink inscribed into your flesh. So I went anyways, figured I'd try to enjoy myself either way. And I was doing fine until you started texting me, telling me how much fun you were having hanging around with your x. Having a private dinner with him.... That's what I was worth? Blowing me off for tattoos, and dinner with your x, who you later LEFT ME for because you still had feelings for him.

Than that whole mess came around. You informed me that you still had feelings for him and didn't know what to do. Who's idea was it to take a step back? To take a brake so you could figure out what you wanted? not you'rs. And than while you were going around doing god only knows what who sat around like a good little boy waiting for you? Yet the only time you called was when you needed something, a ride to or from somewhere, and the one time we actually hung out we go out running around only for you to run home and have me running back and forth on half a tank of gas and no money. Blow me off once again. Than I find out that you're dating some other guy, not even the one you left me for. Best part is you went out of your way to hide it from me, I had to find out through a third party. We took a brake and next thing I know I'm nothing to you. In my eyes what you did was no different than cheating on me, and yet I tried to be there, wanted to be there as your friend until you started throwing s**t in my face, treating me like the villain.

You never wanted to work anything out between us, it was all cut and dry. One thing that I know was a major decision maker was for you was when you asked me if I'd ever go back out with you, first off I'd like to point out this was in a completely friendly conversation that we were bsing about everything and anything in, and I told you "Not if things kept going the way they had been." You took that unquestioning, unfaltering, and persisted to tell everyone that you asked me for a second chance and I turned you down. I know you weren't happy with the way things were going, you were happy, but there were certain aspects of our relationship that you didn't like. And all that statement ment was that IF we were giving it another chance we were going to be doing things differently. That you were going to tell me what you wanted, not just smile and act like everything was perfect. No matter the problem I wanted to work it out, be it small things, or my lifestyle itself. I half expected you to request that we simply go to a vanilla boyfriend girlfriend relationship after that….. Expected that you would ask me to abandon my pride and joy, my passion, my lifestyle….. And I was ready to make that sacrifice. But you never brought it up, never pressed further, you said good night and we never spoke of it again. I was willing to treat you like a queen, and you were willing to do nothing but hang up the phone, isn’t that love and dedication?

The last thing I can think of that really drove us apart was your big pregnancy scare, and our talk about the what if. I told you I couldn’t father a child, and you flipped. First you jump on me about abortion, even though I’ve never supported abortion no matter what the case. Than you jump on me about adoption. Yes I’ll admit it, I was trying to scare you into adoption, neither of us were ready to raise a kid, neither of us were financially set, emotionally ready, mature enough. But you wouldn’t falter, if you were having one you were having one. You said your biggest fear would be me resenting you if it happened… And I wouldn’t have, but I openly told you I would resent the child, and told you that was why I wouldn’t be it’s father. I would have hated that kid, even if I would have gritted my teeth and raised it, I would have hated it, and kids catch onto those types of things, it’s not something the kid should have to go through. BUT you would have still been the love of my life, and I would have done whatever I could to make raising that kid easier on you. I might have still been around, provided what I could under the table, but I wouldn’t have wanted to the kid to know who I was. But once again, you didn’t question, didn’t pry any further, as soon as I said I would not have fathered the kid you were done, hung up and the conversation was over. That night I felt horrid, I wanted you to know how I felt, with the situation and everything. Which is why I went to church. A church you know I didn’t care for, on a night I could have been doing other things, to show you that I supported you and whatever decisions you made…. Errin caught onto it….. Hell my brother caught onto what I was trying to prove by being there…. But to you it was a meaningless gesture.

I’m not entirely sure how I want to end this…. There’s so many ways, so many things I could say… But I guess seeing as this has turned into a recollection of my thoughts, I might as well give you the latest of mine… I saw you at the library the other day, ran into Emily first and she warned me that you were there, so I went over to where I always sat, no intention to bothering you. But still things played in my mind. What would I do if you said something to me? If we ran into each other on the way out? Etc etc. And well, a scenario built in my head. In this scenario I asked you, if you could do one thing, anything at all, physical, spiritual, and have no repercussions, no consequences, what would you do? And when you answered, like usual you’d ask what I’d do, and I’d lean in against you, and steal one last kiss before walking away. I almost did it, you came out from your corner of the library, stopped right in front of me to look at some books. But never once looked at me, not even the curious I hate you but I’m going to glance up looks that two acquaintances give. I even slipped off the seat to go say something to you, but that cold careless mood you held just reminded me of how you show those you care.

I hate you…. And yet I still love you…. Or perhaps it’s not love, but miss. No one will know for sure, probably not even I. I use to be a man that always knew what he wanted, always working on the next goal, the next rung on the ladder. But I don’t know anymore. If you reply to this entry, I don’t know what I’ll say, I don’t know if this is, or ever was, ‘love’. But I do know this. If this is how love treats me, than I’d rather forget it entirely than deal with the countless thorns of betrayal and disappointments.