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Aye.... Yet another sleepless night. It seems like I sleep less and less, my insomnia once again kicking in. Quite honestly if I could jumpstart my creativity I wouldn't mind having insomnia, I remember back when all I needed was four hours of sleep a night I was pumping out countless chapters to various books I was working on, now I can't even write a few pages :-/

Seriously, if you think about it most people who have insomnia can't sleep because while their body's tired their mind is still crunching away. In other words my mind is hauling into overtime. It helps me think about a lot of things, helps me for see my problems, prepare for upcoming events, etc etc. Yet, with all the thinking I do, all the planning I do, I still feel like I'm always going to be drawing the short straw. It's like, I can see my problems a mile away, yet can't do anything to avoid them. Like my big gift in life is to see s**t coming. When I see these problems it's like there's nothing I CAN do, or very little. My dad kicked me out, saw that coming sense he got custody of the house. Me and my serious relationship stalled out, saw that coming for three or four months before it actually happened. I've bled my bank account dry and landed myself in debt, knew this was going to happen after I graduated.... Been busting my balls trying to get a job to stop this and yet nothing's paned out. My best friend traded me away for her personal gain, saw this one coming weeks before she even left for her first semester. A new friend attempted to slash apart what little I have in life after I helped her recover from her lowest, knew it was going to happen after a single look in her eyes. My girlfriend left me, saw this coming for a week.

I'm sitting here reading this, thinking about the situations.... And I don't even know how to feel about any of it. It's like I don't even care anymore. bad s**t happens, all you can do is brace yourself and weather it. I don't want to have to hold up a fortress anymore, I don't want to have to be constantly convincing others it's going to be ok, I don't want to go through my day knowing how it's going to end. I just don't give a s**t anymore, I want to have fun and enjoy myself. Even that is becoming harder. The things I enjoy are becoming costly, and the things that require no money require some privacy and for social encounters to actually work in my favor, and god if there's one thing I've learned it's that never happens. Despite how everything has played out I don't regret the choices I've made. Everything I've done I've done in good conscience, I think I have kept a strict standard of morals and abided by them. The world wears me thin, I can't claim my own life and I'm to strong or to smart to be taken by anything here. So all I can really do is deal with this s**t as it's thrown at me and wait for my ninety some years to expire before the lord finally claims my soul. Perhaps then these events will makes sense.