Hey.. I've recently been this girl who people come to and this girl who's the sort of messenger and does 'the dirty work' or the 'replacement' even when I didn't know. This friend of mine told me so and said she felt sorry for me. At first it was sorta hard.. because I then realised how stupid I was for letting conversations loose and how useless I really was. It was true though, and maybe it was because I hadn't tried to get involved with the group at the beginning. I told myself that even through the good times I'd belived I made by myself, there was never really anything there because I knew I was losing myself. I remember writing down somewhere.
"I'm sorry, but I've never actually seen myself in this group of yours. I honestly wonder where I fit in and I wonder if I have a role. Being that girl who you can b***h to and isolate yourself from the rest, that person isn't me. And from the beginning, there's been this part of me watching from afar and seeing the hole sucking me up. She's trying to make me come back and sometimes she does but I'm continuously falling."
I still see myself like that still but I wonder if I'm meant to live like this. The other day the friend who made me look like ‘the messenger’ came up to me today. She’s one of my best friends at school and I tell her things I think because I care about her a lot and I don’t want her to have a shitty life that others or she could be making for herself (--family and friend problems. Yup, that sort of s**t). She’s also stubborn and she thinks she’s adopted just like every other kid with a problem. (Who me? Guilty as charged.. but only because of the physical side.. ^^ I’ll make a post about that later)…I do my best to fix the problem and now I’ve found myself to not get so much involved.. because it’s up to the people in it to figure things out. But when I am, it feels like they’re using me. What this friend told me about the other day sorta bothered me because she said this other friend of ours made her feel used. She has one of the nicest friends and I kinda envy her. Our problems are not the same because she does have it pretty tough and the relationship with her family was like the one I had a while ago (err, I’ll add that in the other post too), more or less. At one point we were all hugging when we left and shite. We trusted each other. Or was that what I thought I saw?... Now we’re pretty damn broken because of someone who had just been forced out of our group. It’s silly. But I have this idea that I’m the lonely little quiet kid sitting in the corner while all the other children play. I only feel myself when I’m not at school and thank God I still have that. Maybe I’m lucky. I just wish I didn’t have to be that girl at school. I put on a fake mask and pretend I’m not moved by this… It’s for the sake of my group. I don’t want to leave when someone’s just gone. Isn’t that just screaming for attention?? Well I’ll stay here in my own little corner and watch all the happy people play. Or the sad people biting at their life. I’m biting too.. so I guess I’m sad. What do I do about it then, huh?? Right now I keep hoping things will change. I haven’t known them for too long.. but then I don’t have long to know them. Atleast 3 of them are leaving… leaving 3 behind minus the one forced out. Definitely 1. It’s so ******** because she’s that cheerful one who knows how to fix things. The other two are the one’s I’m closest to the group and then I’ll be left with the one I’m getting closer to, but not confident enough as to know that we will be. Bah! I wish I could just give up.
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...O.o...-The Book of Bloody Mirrors-...o.O...
The happy place of running, rolling, seizures, firey burntyness, accidents, cookies and schizophrenics. We're okay with the sane entering, just don't kill us or be startled if a cookie collides with your face... A burning one.. Yes. Hm. zzZozz..
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The Red Pocky Box
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