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I haven't updated this sense november... scary...
here's my LJ post for today, if you don't understand it, or want more, see http://www.livejournal.com/users/bloodrayn.
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<b>Oi... So I just got off the phone with Paul, and it was a rather depressing night... Today at school he noticed the cuts on my arm, just under my sleeve, and wanted to know about them... And I don't want him to know why, or how, or when, or any of it, I just wish it could be buried along with all the new scars. He's a wonderful guy and I don't want him hurting because I've sunk into my abyss.
And then (thank god) the topic of conversation turned to him, and how he was afraid someday if something were to happen to "us" or "him", what I would do, or if he were to change would I still love him? Apparently that's bothered him the past few weeks, and I'm glad we got the chance to talk about it, because I hope now he knows that no matter what happens, I'll always love him, always be here for him.
I used to think Sabri' was nuts when she first said that... To Alex, I believe it was. That e-mail she sent him, full of sweet promises of love, bittersweet memories and visions of the future. Lately I've been reading old journals, listening to music that buried itself on my computer, and just remembering.
Remember the feeling of your first kiss? Remember the feeling the first time you were asked out (or if you're a guy, the first time a girl said yes?)? Remember the first time you knew you were in love? Remember the feeling of the first time you realized that the love you felt wasn't ment to last? But most of all... remember that feeling of being in love?
I was listening to POD's Youth of The Nation, and remembered the first time I heard that, I was with Kegan, and just wanted to make everything better for him, and was pre-occupied not becoming the "susie" from the song. Think I did anyway... :/ Or Melina, I played the original version of "That Don't Impress Me Much" and remembered the dance, the skating party... Remember you and Kjersti playing tug-of-war over me at lunch? Or how obsessed I was with Katen (good god, why didn't you slap me???)...
I'm just in one of those melancholy moods right now... remembering the good times, or the sad times, and feeling some of that emotion (as at the moment, i don't know what my real emotions are)... I'm depressed, yet happy, full of hate, yet madly in love.
For those who are curious, no, it's not my time of month and I don't mood swing often, if at all. I just hide emotions from myself, other people, and the people I love, and then sometimes they all come spilling out at once... Like right now...
<u>Kyle:</u> Yes, I know what you mean, I was never accusing you of being one of the ones to say I had it coming. And I'm sure he is a nice guy, but after that scene there, I'm not in any rush to try to talk to him again.
<u>Sam:</u> You're allowed to be a b***h... we all are... just make sure you don't do something you regret later- make sure you don't loose the people who do love you, be it as a friend, sibling or more.
<u>Paul:</u> No matter what happens in this life or the next, I'll love you and stand beside you. You've been more than I ever could have hoped for, and I love you...
<u>Shebi:</u> Lylac! Hope you're feeling better... And do you have either Chris' or Robert's phone number? Or one for Becky and Flavel (good god, is that how you spell his name? it's so weird...) so I can get ahold of Robert? (no teasing now... we wern't flirting... anymore than you and Chris...)
<u>Everybody else:</u> Gomen... Don't really feel like listing everybody out... But I loves ya!</b>
My Abyss
Eyes staring, watching
Taking over me
Faces wondering, wating
For this world to be
Something more
Something more
Lead you into my abyss
Where you'll find only darkness
And you try to free
What is me
And I bleed, I bleed
What I live through each day
Is only another way
To run, to run
From what is to become
More scars from where I'm from
If you could see my fear
You'd be afraid to be near
My abyss
Of darkness
Where I'm not free...
And I bleed... I bleed...
 Hatsuchishinu · Wed Feb 02, 2005 @ 04:49am · 0 Comments |
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