This is a huge rant.. If you don't want to hear about it, I suggest not reading....
Well, I thought the week started out alright. Of course a few people kinda were a little moody. Myself included for sure. And of course, I have no clue why, and seeing as how it wasnt my business, I didn't really want to be a pain in the a** and find out.... But things have been a little better.
I handed in two math assignments today.. Which made me a little bit happy. And yeah. That kinda made me feel almost okay..
[smiley9]But of course last night was awful. I ended up actually yelling at my mother. She and I got into a screaming fight and my youngest brother was actually crying from it. She was saying all this stuff about how I'm "A b***h to me(My mother), you're a b***h to this family. And I can tell that you don't even want to be here! You're all 'My life sucks, I want to die..." mad Well, all I can say to that is: The last time I was that depressed was three years ago. Right after I got back from basic marksman. And clearly I haven't been that way since then. And I don't hate my family, they just embarass me and shame me to no extent. I don't like having family time. Why? Because I'm antisocial enough as it is, and I don't feel I need to spend every second of my already dwindling free time, with the family that is "About to give up on me". No, seriously. My father is afraid that my mother is going to give up on me and just kick me out of the house. I can't believe that she sees me as such a bad child. Honesly, I am one of the SANEST in my family, and my mother things that I'm ******** up beyond all help. How's that for family love hey?
[smiley9]And of course she freaked out at me saying "All you care about is yourself and your ******** friends..." What a load of bullshit. Honestly. I am so furious with my mother about all this. And I clearly told her "My friends, have been so good to me in the past, It has brought me to tears. How DARE you say that they don't care! And don't you EVER say that about them.. EVER AGAIN!!" I was so angry.... And then she went on about stuff... And then she said "Why can't the person you are at home and the person that you are at Cadets be the same person? That's not hard to do.." And I just look at her..... And then I told her that there was no possible way that I can be who I am at Cadets at home. It really gets exhausting so harshly it's not even funny. And then she told me that she wanted to be happy and smiling all the time. Because "Clearly nothing is bad enough to get me upset.." Then I screamed at her again. "How the hell can I be happy. There is two things that I want, and one I can never have. I want Todd back. And I want Mike. I want to be with him so much it kills me inside knowing that you won't allow it... So how on earth could I be happy when I'm so torn apart?" Then she asks me how close I wanted to be to him and all that.... And I told her that I want to be close enough to him that they can't hurt me anymore... I don't know if this will help my argument any more than I had before about Mike, but I really want them to reconsider. I told them I don't care about his age. Clearly. I said that I love him to death.... My heart has only wanted him for nearly a complete year now... Oh, and it turns out that the main thing that worries her, is that I'll have sex. Wow. Pathetic.
Oh, getting away from my rant, at Cadets, my brother was there for the whole yelling fight, and he knew I was so incredibly pissed off, but he so couldn't tell that I had been crying, or screaming, once I walked into that building. I was "The Sergeant" again. So yeah. I had to mentally repress that for the evening. And to make matters worse, I sprained my ankle last night as well.... One of my corporals ran at me in soccer, and I turned to get out of his way. Otherwise he would have crushed me.. And I nearly ran into a Cadet.(A first year,. Not even in for a month) and I pivoted on my right ankle, and then I collapsed... And I sat there, and I was like.. "I can't stand up. There is no possible way that I'm going to be able to get up.." So then two of my corporals grabbed my arms and picked me up. That really freaked me out.. But yeah. My Cadets are an awesome bunch of kids. And I got ice on my ankle, and had to sit out for the rest of the night.. I forgot to yell "SCOTTISH!!" (After corps dismissal)
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Tristanic's Mumblings
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