Not again.. I wrote a lot, and my PIECE OF CRAP COMPUTER ERASED IT ALL!!! AGAIN.....
-_-;,
(This includes a huge amount of ranting, mostly on how stupid I feel. If you don't want to hear it, don't read it. Simple)
Now to start all over.
I'm failing both of my math classes.Yeah. BOTH of them. Not just one. 42% and 49%. I feel like a bloody moron. I feel so stupid it's not even worth the laughter. But yeah. It really amazes me how I feel so stupid, yet I've accomplished so many great things. The ANAVET, being a Sergeant, a Platoon Warrant, D&C, all this stuff that I've done, and I still feel awful. It's like no matter where I go and what I do, I can't leave this anger and sickness I feel for what I consider to be draining my intelligence and self esteem. Why does this happen? I don't know. But I have a small answer of something to myself.
IQ. Intelligence. Comprehension. Smarts. It all means the same thing, and according to the IQ test that I took that was out of 100%, I'm a 98, Which means, due to what the test says, that I'm Mensa level smart. Which, once they told me, it did make me feel good, but onle for a few seconds, because then I thought about exactly how stupid I am. The highest GPA that I've ever gotten was a 3.5. Never a 4. And I've only gotten it once. And they call me smart? What drugs are they on? And yes I realize this seems really harsh on myself(if anyone is reading it), but the things is, this is how I've thought of myself a lot lately. Especially with the whole math thing coming into play. And the fact that the only friends I have in my math class, aren't really my friends. I can talk to them, auch as a "Hi", but that's all. Not a "Hey, Can you help me with #5?". I'm just not the smartest kid that ever lived, and let's face it, we all know it. They only advice I give to people is the exact same thing, and the only classes I do good in, are the ones that I feel repetition. The ones that I've done the material before. If it's totally new to me, I don't get it, and I fail horribly. It's like that now, and it always has been.
So, what is going to be done about all this? My parents were thinking about taking my phone away, and I argued saying that there was nothing related to my phone that had to do with me not doing/understanding my work. And they're planning on putting me back on my medication, seeing if it'll help me focus on my work, and remember more of what I need to do in class. And on top of that, Until the term 1 report card, I can't do ANYTHING after school. I have to go right home. And after that, I'm going to get a math tutor every Wednesday to help me with work. Which will only help Monday Toesday and Wednesday. For Thursday and Friday, I'm so toast. It's like I'll be thrown into a river with weights attached to my ankles. Which really sucks on about 10 different levels, but I guess it's all for a greater good. A greater, but definitely just as humiliating good. The fact that I'll know that I'm stupid, and I can't do what many people before could easily do. I just think it's really demoralizing that I need medication, a tutor, no social life, and on top of that, a feeling of exceptional stupidity. This is just a great start to the school year. Honestly, It's never been better.
-----<3+1. I love you a lot. And I'll try not to make that day totally awful.
Remember to tell those close to your heart that you care because you never know when they can be gone forever.
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Tristanic's Mumblings
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