(I know my last few entries were kinda bitchy, sorry! This one's way better)
When I was little my brain was ALWAYS on. It was a constant mish mash of ideas, thoughts, imaginings, soundtracks, and what for lack of a better word I will call "director's commentary." Very rarley, the chattering gibbering noise would switch off. All the noise all the thoughts, all quiet for a moment of pure observation. It was a kind of awareness where I was aware of my prescense on the earth, the beating of my own heart, my breath. I had "cleared the mechanism."
These moments were incredibly scary for me. In those moments I had my first inkling of the reality of mortality.
Occasionally this singular thought would cut through my brain like a chainsaw:
Oh my God. This is real. I'm living this. This is not a movie or a story. I'm really here.
I occasionally thought, maybe if I kept my mind (and mouth) busy, I wouldn't be able to catch myself like that. And it must have worked, for this didn't happen to me very often. I certainly didn't get many in highschool-either the state of my sanity or the ego prevented it. I don't remember if I had it in College.
Now however. After a wedding, a baby, after living life like I'm doing it on purpose, it occurred to me that I get these "flashes of reality" all too often. I will sit and clear the mechanism on purpose. But a strange revelation came to me today.
I'm not afraid of it anymore.
I dunno whether I'm just used to the idea of being alive and living, or maybe now with a wonderful husband and adorable baby I don't want to miss a second. I don't WANT to have my life drowned out by junk. I want to see it as it really is.
jeez, I'm waxing philosophic again (and I didn't even have a beer today!)
BTW: Max got two of his bottom teeth in. blaugh
Abbey Rhode Community Member 
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