I normally write in the thread I created but it feels too crowded sometimes. I feel obligated to reply and keep up with people when I just want to vent or get things of my chest. So I'm switching to this.
How am I? Not good. I'm so broken inside and I've been, literally, feeling sick for almost 2 years now. Idk what's going on with me, my Dr never believed me but something changed. I can't even fully function on a daily basis, I feel like I wake up running on E. Before, even on my most tired days I had some energy. I have nothing. I was finally getting to a point to where I was somewhat moving on from my grandpa and my best friend's mom's death back in 2015. Then, just like that about August 8th, my grandma gets diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that they think has metastasized to her liver and comes home on hospice on the 10th. She can't do chemo, so we're trying natural things and praying! Then, on August 14, I get a call from my best friend telling me that her sister died. They're both like my sister, her family is like my family. I was in disbelief, I was in shock. I just started uncontrollably crying and hyperventilating. How is she gone? She was 28, that's not how it was supposed to go. My heart literally hurt, I questioned if I was having a heart attack. My heart still literally, physically hurts. It's concerning because I have a heart murmur anyways, and I've been told I have an arrhythmia. I want so badly to release this pain, this sadness but I feel like I can't get into my emotions very much because of my heart. I can't write poems, and I actually haven't in a long time. My heart just cries. I'm so busy and so tired from taking care of my grandma I feel like I don't even have time to think, I feel like I'm living in a whirlwind. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not taking care of her as good as I was taking care of papa, but I just don't have it. I hate myself for not having it but what can I do? I can't give what I don't have. I also feel guilty in my happy moments because my best friend died, and I'm happy? So many small realizations, like the dresser I just refurbished was one she was getting rid of. I don't even know if she saw it once I was done, I meant to show her, I wanted to, but I was so caught up with gram I didn't. When her grandpa died, not even a week before, I only put a sad face on her status. Why didn't write her and tell her I loved her and I was here like I did with her sister? She pulled away from everyone, I thought she just needed space. Why didn't I try harder though? I recently remembered I got a sock monkey for her for Christmas 2 years ago but that year I couldn't afford to send it to her and last year I was kind of irritated with her, so I didn't send it. She never got it and now I'm kicking myself for the petty s**t I was irritated about. I feel like such a b*****d. I wish she would have reached out to me, talked to me about what was going on, but sometimes I wonder if it was my own fault. I also recently realized that she won't be able to be in my wedding, whenever I get married one day. I wanted her and her sister to be the maids/matrons of honor. I wanted my grandpa to give me away... And now what? My brother thinks he's giving me away but that ain't happening, the way he's treated me over the years... Not on his life. I'm starting to realize how my grandpa felt, so tired of death. Everything reminds me of Ash though. I keep just wanting to write her but then I realize I can't. I see pics of her as profile pics with loved ones and I think, "Omg she posted, it's not real!!!" And then I realize it's not her. Christmas is my favorite time of year and I'm starting to realize I won't be able to send her a Christmas card, I do that every year. On my birthday, she ALWAYS said happy birthday. She never missed one and because she was gone 12 days before my birthday, I never got one from her this year. I feel so broken, so confused, so lost. Everyone keeps telling me lean on God but I'm starting to realize I'm angry with God. So much, I've been through. So much, her family has been through. Why? Why her? Why any of it, damn it?
This is something I haven't talked about but I fear more people are going to die. Any time I see someone post news about something or a long post my first thought is, "Omg someone died". I've had a dream that Britt's youngest daughter died. I've had a dream that Britt died. So much death in reality and in my dreams. The thing that makes me nervous is sometimes my dreams come true. I had the same dream 3 times before my grandpa died. The dream was showing him dying and that's actually how he ended up dying, the way it showed in my dream. I'm so tired, so scared and so worn. I don't dare tell anyone the severity of the state of my health, in fear they'll freak out. I can't afford to go to the Dr right now, and when we can, my mom needs to go more than I do. She has severe pain, uncontrolled diabetes, severe depression and she has to have her heart medication or her heart races. I need to quit eating so many sweets, I need to cut more out that I'm allergic to. I need to start doing yoga or my pt for my knees or going for small walks. Something, because, right now, I feel like something is really wrong. It could be as simple as the foods I'm allergic to making me sick, but because of how drained and fatigued and tired I am, I wonder in the back of my mind if it's cancer. So many cancers run in my family. So many foods, because we can't afford organic all the time, we consume that are bad for you. So many harmful products out there.
