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just my thoughts... for now
you know, i want these words to mean so much more. there's something inside me that just won't break free. it won't come out. i don't want to be like cinderella, syuck up in an old, dusty cellar. i want to be a butterfly and be free and careless. i want to flost the ocean and be... alive. i feel like i've been emotionally dead for the past few years. but now i'm starting to awaken, to see things in a most peculiar, but somehow, beautiful way. i admit, there are still times when i can be moody and emotionally stressed, like i'm mixing elements here. fire and water, earth and air. it's very confusing, yet very soothing at the same time. and what about this new love that i'm in? should i take it slow, or should i speed it up? and i won't get to see him that often, now that it's summer. it's not like i'm old enough to 'go out' , and i don't think i'm brave enough to go to his house, although i probably should. so yeah, this summer is going to suck. the only time we will see each other is at cypress or if we bump into each other at the store or something. sometimes i just want to crawl into a corner and die. there are a lot of things people don't understand about me. like the insurmountable love i feel for logan, or the odd connection i seem to share with the ocean/water. i know this is random, but when i die, i would like to be creamated and have my ashes spread out on the ocean, or buried somewhere special like seaside, where i hope to get married or something. god i hate this! i wish i could just come out and say it! the weird thing is, i don't even know what 'it' is. it's like there is some sort of invisible and indestructable barrier blocking most feelings from spilling out of my once frozen heart. but when that barrier does break, i am going to be an emotional, blackhole of depression-ized, breakdown. i think i will eventually commit suicide, physical or emotional. well i wish i could end this rant on a happy note, but i can't, because at the moment there is no happiness left in me. so excuse me while i go cry my eyes out for almost no reason. crying crying crying
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