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*i'm so tired of being here.
suppressed by all my
childish fears.
and if you have to leave,
i wish you would just leave,
because your presence still lingers here.
and it won't leave me alone.
these wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real.
there is just too much that time can not erase.
when you cried, i'd wipe away all of your tears.
when you scream, i'd fight away all of your fears.
and i held your hand through all of these years.
and you still have,
hold of me.* - Evanescence

i feel like such an idiot. i was sooo close to kissing my boyfriend. we were at my friend's party and we were all hanging out under her tree. then he wanders off and starts acting all emo. i ask him what was up, though i already thought i knew, and he said," nothing important." then i said," it's important to you, and to me too." and of course he doesn't say anyhting. so i say," is it about your grandma?" she had been sick for a while now. he nods and then we sat in silence for like 5 minutes. then i put me hand on his shoulder and say," are you ok?" then he shakes his head. i take my hand off of his shoulder. then about 3 minutes later, after complete silence, i put my hand back on his shoulder and say," it's going to be ok. oyu know that. right?" then he shakes his head again. then we start talking about his grandma and my awesome grandpa that died. then it was a little more silence, and i was sooo close. i was just about to lean over kiss his cheek, when he said," let's go back inside with everybody else." so we did. and guess what? my friends were spying on us because they were a little pissed because my relationship is working and their's didn't. so now they are trying to get me to kiss him and stuff. they keep saying," you have to do it because you get all the action." then i'm like," bit me you guys. i'll do what ever i want concerning my love life when ever i want!" so yeah that's pretty much it. god i hate rambling like this, but whatever. it was for a good reason.