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Haven't wrote in this for a while. Always try to find how long can I hold out before I break down and write again. Trying to make it a point to one day abandon this and move on..

But no, these are the days that I'll be leaving this place forever. Finding it impossible to not voice my pains no longer, here I shall diverge my lonesome woes where no one will ever read.

It'd be hard for someone to see me and think that I'm not happy and that everything is alright for me. Ha! I wish I could be as beautiful as my illusions that I cast. Sure, I've been on some dates and talking to new ladies, but it's just all for ruin for me.

I HATE myself.. Watching them as if they were you, studying each of their movements and becoming so caught up in their world as if it they were you.. I can feel myself die slowly, wishing that it was your soft smile that I was looking at or your soft hands tugging at my hands to keep yours warm. But no, it's not your deep eyes that I look into with a smile and it's not your laughs that fill my air...

Shouldn't you learn how to be happy without her?
I should. And I mean, there are times that I really am happy. But just... Not with anyone else but myself and streaming. These dates just keep showing me that I... I'm not over her and I won't ever be over her. Closing my eyes, pretending that I'm listening when I'm just trying to bring myself back to the place where we were together and the nights were forever...

Being in that Dave and Busters... I held back all desires to speak your name to my date. Watching her smile and laugh killed each and every part of me. How I wanted to see you there, hold you in my arms for a brief moment and steal your lips before you ran off again to play more games...

I hate this and I can't keep going like this... But I know better... I know not to reach out to you anymore. All I will keep doing is hurting you... Hurting me. No matter how sweet the words or nice the gestures... The pain is overflowing for you and all I am are the reminders of the failures of my youth. No matter how much I try to convince you that things would be different... All you can hear is the possible pain that might come with this next chance... And I can't do anything to change that... IT KILLS ME SO BADLY that I... I can't do anything but wait.

Outside of all that... I hope you are doing better. I hope everything is going great for you and that this... me and the whole s**t that I've caused... is slowly getting behind you...

I still love you..