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Cry
As I sit here and cry, I can't forget you. Its so hard. I leave a scar on my chest for you. Right under my left collar bone. To let the ambers out. For my soul has burned away. I know I said that my last entry would be the last for a long time, but the healing processes is to write or do something to forget. I wore your cloths to bed last nite. The skirt, the sweater and anime convention shirt. Huggling your small tiger you gave me.
I can't let go. I wont. But why wont I. He has already. I filled a viel yesterday that my friend gave me. It has a cork and all. I filled it with ashes from a picture I drew a awhile ago. It was a guy and a girl. I Drew it a long time ago but I was going to give it to Chris as a last letter but I didn't. It was really good, B+W tho. I tried to make the guy look like chris and it came out really good. The only color it had on it were the eyes. HE had blue eyes and the girl had brown becuz it was me.
I went out back late last nite with a bowle and Burned away the picture. I kept the ashes and put them in the viel. To keep it to remember how good of memories I would of had. I know Im stupid. I feel all empty inside. Why wont god send down his hand from the heavens and sweep me up into it. Fist is hand with me in it and squeeze the life out of me. As blood runs down my face from my eyes and pours. Watch my insides pour out from my mouth and other places. Let the blood fall from the heavens and on to the ground below.
I guess this is punishment for me. To feel the sickness that grow in my stomach making me sick. Yeah today I got really sick. We order pizza today and it had to been like 10 mins afterwards when I got done, I walked out side to talk with stef. As soon as I stpped outside I vomitted. Came home and did the same thing. And to think I will be getting to see my cousin, for the first time in 10 years, and Im gonna be all upset, depressed, sick and emotionaly disturbed. I guess I deserve it.
This is God's way to say I am bad. That I am a fool and a horrible person so I must be punished. I hate myself. I hate my self with a passion. Someone kill me. I dont care what it takes someone do it. Let me die. Let me die a horrible way. Im so sorry Chris.....Im very sorry. More then I'll ever be. I dont know if you will read this but I told Shuan last nite about everything. He hung up the phone. I called him back and he told me to never speak to him again.
I fullfilled one of your promises. I tend to keep them all and do every singal one of them. I hope that this is a way for you to forgive me. I didn't even smoke a ciggarete today. Or yesterday. For a while now. I hate my self WHy wont God let me die....
Please someone...Please Kill me.
Let the Angel of Death come and take me away.
Someone Please.
I can't stop crying anymore. My eyes hurt so bad and my mouth and throat ach. Every time I see his picture or smeel his scent I cry. So many memories I had and that I thought I would have are gone. Like a dove flying out of a box. To fly away, far away. Never going to come back. I wont love again. Ambers still burn away in my chest from all of the toxic things I said and done. Someone just shoot me. Right in the back of my head, on the spinal tap. Let my blood pour out of my mouth and down my neck. As the smoke comes out along with it.
Watch me die on the pavement and hope I never see again. See the light of day or feel the warm breeze brush up against my face. Never to feel a warm touch and a tight hug. Never to see my life to come or hear the sounds of my future kids laughing. How I will miss that thought...no more planning on that no more of this and that. Not even the perfect wedding I dreamed. Someone please rip my eyes out so they can stop sheding my soul away. My tears of Elixer. My tears of hot nites and cool mornings.
I dont want to go on. I awoke this morning with a small pool of blood around my upper body. I had to throw away another good pair of sheets. My favorite ones. I washed away my crusted poison off my body and watched it down the drian, and how I wish I could just go down a hole like that and never come back. Oh how the dreams last nite scared me. I was running, running from something.
Far and deep into the woods. I kept falling and tripping over things. Till I fell down a hill side. I got up with a broken arm and blood running down the side of my head. I ran till my legs couldn't no more. BY the end of the dream I was running from my self. I dropped to my knees as I looked down at the ground. I felt a thud on my head, then a click. I knew what it was in my dream and I didn't run away. Then, Something warm breezed against my head, and ran down the sides. Blood covered my eyes as I fell back. Staring up at the nite sky. Kissed with moon lite. Then I was the one, who shot me, Myself the one I was running away.
I dont think that would be suicide becuz I knwo I shot myself, but there were two of me. A scared one, and the Monster one. Then right before I closed my eyes to shot myself again, I heard a calling. It was chris. He was running towards me and then I pulled the trigger. I fell back and watched him hung over me. I couldn't see his face since his back was to the moon. I cried so hard, when I woke up from that night mear. Why do I miss him so much. Someone tell me!
Some one Kill me, Someone Tell me it'll be alright, Someone tell me I can make it alone......Someone...please tell me...........I dont want to go on......I want to wither away into a pile of dust and be blown away in the wind.........someone help me.......
I love you Chris.....I'll never ever forget you....no matter how hard I try. Please......Forgive my soul...... cry
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Community Member
I know you love me, as I love you still, and I wish horribly we could be together.
But I am too afraid, afraid of... well everything I was afraid of before.
But I know why God has not, and will not take you.
It's because you still have a pupose in life Kim.
It's because I still love you, and I still want to be with you.
God won't take you away from me.
I won't let him.
I still love you Kimberly.
And if you will only take me, I promise I will be yours when I come up there.
I wish we could be more than friends, but in many ways, that choice is yours alone.