|
My Last Heart Beat...
Today, was a day I thought I could change. I talked to myself in my head. I listened to my voices in my heart. I didn't go to any of my classes. I stayed in the Cafe' today. To get away from it all. I went all over campus. No one saw me at all. Not until the end of the day. I made decisions in my head to change for him. To maybe change myself back to my old way. To change for the right's and not the wrong. BUt I was to late. To late to change anything.
Today is my Bitter Sweet Synphonie. The parade walks down my heart as they burn down the inside. Top leave the ashes behind. To let everyone who knows Qwuess, He is alive and well. Just not happy. I am myself to blame for it. I didn't change and I didn't do anything. I hate myself. I hope I die so horribly that no one could save me. I hope I get hit by a car and get left behind to stay in the road. So more can hit me. I want to be pushed off a bridge or a Building. Hope I fall to the ground in peices.
I hope I get hit by a bus or mack truck. So my insides and spill on the ground and no one can sow me back together. I hope I die of cancer...A slow and painful death. Or some sort of deisese. I should not live. I should die for the pain I put him threw. I should be tortured into a massful way. Tortured till my eyes bleed and my blood pumps battery acid. I hope my brian stops workin so I can go into a state of shock to where no one can bring me out of it. So they can lock me up in a S/j and throw me in a padded room to rot. Watch everyone around me grow old and happy.
I shouldn't be happy, and I wont be. I wont fall in love again. I hope I die alone. I wont have children that I wanted, I wont get married, I wont date no one, I wont see no one, I'll just lock my self away in my room. Paint the walls black and my soul. I burned my self up. I set my soul on fire and all I have left is my ashes to lay at the bottom. I let the one I love go. I threw it all out the window. I made horrible desicions. I killed our dream. Our plans. I destoryed it all away. I burned them up. With my heart. I hope that someone could just come up to me, punch there hand into my chest, rip my heart out, and throw it back in my face.
So I can lay dieing on the ground, staring up at the sky. Watching the life I could of have. Watching it all fly by so quickly. I want someone to stabb me to death or pump lead into my heart. Why am I so stupid. I am a stupid b***h. I hate my self with a million tears, Of every soul. I hope he has a happy life. I hope the woman he meets will treat him better then I did. I hope he has the best of luck. I know he can do it. I believe in him and I am proud of him everyday. NO matter what happens between us. I hope he has the life he always wanted. The kids, the home, the animals, the woman, everything.....I hope he has the best of it. I am the stupid one, I am the Monster that lived in the relationship.
All I want to do is kill that monster....Me.
Christopher Leon Ham....I love you wth all of my heart that content. I care about you so much. I will be missing you everyday. I will be hurting everyday. Dieing slowly inside of my self till I perish away. Away from this world. I do wish you everything. The best of everything. Everything that you deserve. I will look back at your letters and cry. I will look at your pictures and die. I will hold my favorite one in my hand when I die. I hope that will be soon. If it aint. I can settle that on my own.
As I lay in my own pool of blood on the bathroom floor or in my bed, gripping your picture and my favorite letter you sent me. Wearing your golden locket... In the cloths you sent me.....Holding the tigers you sent me....Holding everything dear to me that was from you. I will miss you. You were my Gardian Angel...My Gabberial...My soul and life. My everything and world. I hope the best for you. Good bye. Goodbye Love. Maybe in my next lifetime....I will make the better desicions of my self. Make the rights ones.
I love you Chris.....With all of my heart....
Good bye.... cry
|
