Looking back at my old journals back in 2012-2011, I was a ******** noob. Honestly who the ******** was I? I was more happy and way more dramatic than how I am today. I can''t lie and say that I don't miss being that person though. I was obsessed with Skrillex and I couldn't stop talking about Triston.
Triston had to be my first love without a doubt. I was crazy about that guy and it seems like we had this cheesy love story that I kept randomly writing about but never finished. It's weird because I still see him around at my high school. We never talk or anything but it's weird seeing him, and I say hi every now and then but we have this really awkward connection now and it kinda sucks. Now that I'm remembering that one night we talked on video chat, I have this strange judgement of him now because he showed me something I was too young to see (and by my choice of words you can probably guess what it was).
Anyways, that happened and it still makes me feel weird and somewhat emotional about the whole story just because he was my first love. Later on in life though, I just posted weird s**t about life. Re-reading the journal entries I posted actually shocked me at how smart I was. I was saying all of these things that actually sounded great and smart and right. I feel like now I've gotten really stupid and clueless but I blame society for some reason.
I remember I was watching the anime Fruits Basket after the whole Triston thing because of how depressed and sad I got, and the show really changed me a lot. The main character was just really sweet and wonderfully nice and I just wanted to become her. After watching it, I tried to become the main character just because of how she changed lives and everyone seemed to like her because of who she was. I tried helping people and having this personality where I was cheerful and weird and hyper and understanding and all of this weird stuff. I made friends though, only a couple that I can remember being this person around. I also remember having this thing called my fantasy piano where I would think of piano melodies in my head and it made me feel relaxed and I could think straight. It made me want to own a piano very very badly. I use to play random melodies that I would make up whenever I got near a piano/ keyboard. I think that's when I got really creative in my words and going on about life and stars and what not.
Back to when I said I made friends because of that personality I had, one of them happened to be, of course, William. Even today, 2-3 years later I still talk about that kid. After the whole life and piano journals I posted, I happened to come across this boy on gaia towns and jesus I couldn't stop talking about him. Honestly the rest of my journals have to be about William. Why? Because we was my second love. aggghhhh jesus ******** chirst I can't even. There's reasons why I fell for him and the main and probably the only reason.. I don't know.. Is because he understood me more than anyone else I've ever met. We had a really big connection and having that big of a connection being a thousand miles away is pretty intense. I never dreamed of having a long distance relationship and I didn't know if they would even work, but you know after going through experience and hearing/ seeing these stories of people with these relationships, I know now that they really do work. Sometimes things get complicated and they get in the way and these relationships don't end up becoming real, but you can't really forget about the times you had and what you shared.
Anyways, we talked a lot on Meebo (which use to be the chatbox on gaia) and we talked about random s**t and about our lives and sometimes we had arguments but every time we talked we got closer and we just kinda fell for each other. The weirdish thing is, we never went out with each other. We never officially dated or called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend yet we loved each other. I remember saying that I didn't want to officially date him because I didn't want to mess up our relationship that we had because we were young and we still have years to come until we actually see each other... If we see each other... There's so much more to the story about us but I don't want to talk about it much longer because of s**t that keeps happening between us and it gets complicated and blah blah.
Up to now, William was really all I posted about and it makes me really emotional and sad re-reading these journals because I really really miss or connection and all I want is to be best friends again... but... I guess things change and it just might not happen again so I have to move on.. After the William journals I guess I keep posting about my back stories and things that happened in my life and now I just post whatever comes to mind. Some are still back stories like what I'm doing now and some are staring to be about my current boyfriend, Nick.
Nick is something different but you know, he's truly the realest thing in my life now. I want to get married to him and have babies with him eheheh.. He supports me and helps me out when I'm sad and have my depressing days or moods. I'm not like how I use to be with my cheerful and hyper personality, now I'm more sad and down.. It really sucks but things happen and people change. However I've noticed that when I'm with Nick, I get more happier and I forget about all the sadness and I generally forget most things in my life and just focus on us and my love for him. Sometimes I get in my moods and I become the sad depressed person when I'm with him but I eventually get better and he tries to make me feel better and I know he does whatever he can. I'm just different and I tend to ignore him when I get in my moods but like I said, I eventually get better and everything turns out to be ok.
Nick is really really weird.. But I love that about him and he's the sweetest person I know and he's such the greatest. I couldn't think of anyone else that would be better than him. I've posted a journal about how we were video chatting one night and how he opened up to me and I understood him a little more and I remember how much fun I had with him and how many times I smiled and laughed and it was in the same room where some other memories where made like the pigeon story (thing with William) and listening to this song over and over and thinking about fantasies. I can say that I really love Nick and I really want to be with him all day and every day and I want to sing with him and play video games with him (even though I'll probably loose) and kiss and do all these girlfriend boyfriend things.
So... As you can tell.... I was and still am a big noob. Talking about life and memories and s**t... I don't think that would ever change though. I think I'll always be talking about memories and the people who were and are in my life because that's how I always was. I'm only going to be a sophomore so I still have a lot more to live through and to create more memories and meet new people. And you know.. I actually hope I still grow up to be a noob ~
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Hopeless romantic
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