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Lonely
It's no fun being lonely. Knowing me, I'm someone who wants someone to understand me... I remember William understood me, and I understood him, but things changed. I have Nick Reecer now, but it doesn't feel the same. It really bothers me. I remember late at night, me and Will would stay up talking on the phone until 2-3 in the morning. We'd talk about our future, how we would meet up and what we would do when we first saw each other. Then we'd talk about things that en up making me cry and sometimes it would make Will cry, but in the end, we'd always laugh. We sang songs together. Boy that was the best. We'd sing Hey there Delilah, The FUN song from Spongebob, The campfire song from Spongebob, Firefly, and we sang a couple of twenty one pilot songs together not too long ago. Now that things have changed, it doesn't feel like we have a special connection anymore. That really really hurts. Last year, around this time today, me and Nick would skype late at night when I spent the night at my nanas back when my mom didn't have her own place. It was really annoying because that was when I was grounded from my iPod, so I had to use Sarah's secretly. Most of the times, she wouldn't let me use it because she was afraid she'd get in trouble if I got caught using hers. Anyway, I would sneak on her ipod and talk to Nick. Back then, it was rare when I got to see Nick on OOVOO or Skype, so we would want to each other over the weekend when I was free. We'd talk about the most randomest s**t. Most of the times we'd just laugh at whatever we were talking about. Then we'd fall asleep with the video still on, but I always woke up and put my sister's ipod back where she left it. See, those were the days I missed the most. It all feels worthless now... When I'm with Nick in real life, I get happier because I actually get to be with him and everything bad just excludes out of my mind, except when we get awkward and don't say anything and blah blah. When I get home from school though, it's back to feeling worthless and lonely. I miss too much of my past when William and I were close, when Nick and I had those sparks during video chats.. -sigh- I just want someone to understand that I love close relationships where I can talk to them personally and talk about how we feel about things and just stupid gay stuff. It sucks not being able to talk like that anymore. No one to get close to. No one to sing with. No one to talk to late at night. Loneliness. One time, I remember my high school friend Ruben was dating this girl Alex that I didn't really like. That same day, she broke up with him and I called Ruben to help him that night. That night, I actually felt that close connection I haven't felt in really long time. We talked for a really long time, just about how he felt and what was on his mind. I actually cried that night. For a second, I thought he would be my new William. Sounds really weird and like a replacement, but I mean just a close friend that I can talk to. But before I knew it, we didn't really talk anymore.. After second semester of Freshman year, we stopped talking because I got split up from my friends that I use to be with at lunch. I still think Ruben is a great friend, and he could be that close friend, but I dunno, feels.... Odd. I might call him up soon if I know he'll actually answer. The whole point of this journal is to just pour my lady feelings out. Yeah, I'm a girl who talks about feelings and stuff, it's what I want to talk about... But just saying that makes me sound girly and disgusting. Still, I'll find that person someday... The one who will understand every word of me.
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