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yeah, i know.
superstitions, it's not real, but it can't hurt to hope or try, right?
i mean, what else do I have to lose?
in those 60 seconds, in an hour and 11 minutes, i will be wishing like i never have before.
there's so many things i have to wish and hope for.
i've lost to much to even gain a crumb of that i'll never get back.
nothing is really happening right now, but just playing my guitar and the old songs i used to play for others, its all meaningless.
i just can't help but look back in the past and go "Man, those were the good ol' days."
8th grade after school was a bomb, but now all my friends are separated. One of them is chasing after their dreams.
Many others got accepted into the school they got accepted to, and I regret the recklessness i've done in middle school.
i just have no idea what to do at the moment, i mean, i know what to do in the future.
i'm giving up that hopeless dream of getting my own coffee shop.
i'll become a therapist instead.
since i can't even fix my own problems, i always enjoy listening to others, becoming involved, and helping theirs.
it's always been a joy for me to listen to those stories, and this is coming from someone who's barely read 10 or 15 whole books in her life time.
i just...
this generation, this present, this is just a big no.
things were great back then, but no matter what i do, it keeps coming back to bite me.
i have no idea how to explain this, i can't even put my frustration in the right words...
or even put it in a sentence.
i just feel like breaking down and crying.
idk, depression kills.
i almost considered drinking bleach the other day for no reason.
i also have these scenes in my head where i stab myself with a knife right in the left chest area...
this mind i have,
this life i own,
it's getting darker.
it's getting blacker.
it's getting deeper,
and it's getting harder to escape.
i probably sound like one of those emo people that are always depressed, and you only know them as that because they actually went through things,
but man, i'm a lucky one. i never really went anything more traumatic than the break-up i had.
i never had broken bones, never really acknowledged any other deaths other than my 2nd or 3rd grade best friends bunny, i've never experienced anything more scarier than my mom and dead almost using domestic violence, or my older brothers stealing my mom's car, or seeing my mom drive away in a police car when i was younger and me vividly remembering that i said "Where's she going dad?"
So many tiny events, I should be having a happy life.
but then again, i'm completely missing out on the tragic events.
shelters, eviction, gambling mother, less money, i mean, i'm probably the only person i know that doesn't own a single pair of vans or converse.
i don't complain either.
we are poor, its amazing how my wifi is working
idk
i'm just throwing everything out on here,
but i forgot this this post was supposed to be about my wishes...
well...
i'll still try, it's also 10:11 right now. i took a while. haha.
i really just need a hug. i think that's all i need.
someone with broad shoulders enough to hug me tightly, and completely cover me. so that i can't feel any coldness, just their body warmth, so i can calm down in their arms. whether it be a boy or girl, i think that's the only medicine i need.
now its 10:13.
your mind can run wild when its just you and your thoughts, yanno.