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My last two journal entries have been filled with depressing thoughts. Thoughts that can only really spawn anger, sadness and hate. It's a disease, a sickness that rots away at your heart. So to vanquish this illness of mine, I must focus on the happier things in life, you know, stuff before that dream.
I've been meeting some awesome people this past month. They make me smile and laugh, and even managed to make me forget all about the dream that plagued me only two nights ago. One even likes my voice, she says it's sexy. Awwwww yeah. That was a nice ego boost, it's the ladder that allowed me to climb out from the hole that I was sitting and crying in since the dream.
Eh, my writing sucks. Must be because I'm tired, it is 1:09am after all. A confusing time, I don't know whether to call it late or just very early. See, these are the real things that keep me up at night, but I welcome the meaningless questions and the pondering. I relish in them. After the drama I've dealt with in my last relationship, these petty things are the highlights of my nights. It's refreshing to think and worry over such small matters. Ah, it's 1:11am now. Now, how and why did they make a minute equivalent to sixty seconds. It's such a random number. Why sixty? Why not one hundred? Or fifty? I love these sort of questions.
Another happy thing...Hm, well, after a few recent daydreams, I can finally say that I really am in love. I think. I mean, if I spend my waking hours thinking about her and fantasizing about being with her, it must mean I've got feelings for her. But at the same time, she has a boyfriend and I feel absolutely no jealousy. Now jealousy is my way of knowing if I'm in love. And it just so happens that another girl, who I'm pretty sure I have no romantic feelings for, makes me jealous whenever she talks about other guys. Confusing, yes? I know I have feelings for girl number one, that much is obvious, but I suppose they aren't strong enough to be called love. A mere crush, a small and fragile thing that fills the minds of young teenage girls. Awkward, yes? Then girl number two makes me jealous from time to time, when I don't daydream about her whatsoever. Just strange, annoying jealousy. Awkward again, yes? Yes. Yes. And, oh, yes. I'm sure things will settle themselves out. This may just be me wanting a relationship, I might not even have a crush. I probably just miss having someone special in my life. Someone that I can share anything with. Oh journal, you know I love you, but a response is nice. I'm a secretive guy, I hate talking to people about my feelings and my life, but, every once in awhile, it's nice to tell someone, and get a response. Of course, I've got people who I can talk to if I really must, people that I know understand me and will keep my secrets, but it's nice having one person that you can trust above all of them. That one person that you can share your deepest secrets with, your most treasured dreams, and your darkest memories. Now, I suppose I really should wait for a relationship. If I rush into one, it may turn into another Sarah (Le gasp). So I'll bide my time and wait until I find that person that will make me whole, and store all my little secrets.
I don't like leaving off with just two happy things.Well, I guess you could say it's three, but the 'pointless questions' paragraph doesn't count, in my opinion. So something else that's happy...Uhhh, hmm. Tricky, tricky. Well, I guess one happy thing is that my hair is really coming in nice, except for the bangs. I sorely regret trying to cut them myself months ago, because now, with them growing in and all, I can see the tragic and horrific wound that I've inflicted upon them. I'll probably cut them off again, and allow my bangs to regrow. Well, scratch that, I won't be cutting them, someone else will, but you get what I mean. There's no real rush since I've decided I won't be sharing my picture with Sarah. As of now, I can only think of about ten people who I plan to show what I look like. There's Yumi/Kori, definitely. She was the first person to ever inquire what I look like, and really the one that got most of my other friends to grow curious as well. I promised her that she'd be the first person to see what I look like, and, seeing as she's never wronged me, I don't plan to break that promise. Monica and Miranda will see it too, since we've been friends for awhile, and they've really helped me through some tough times. Tori will definitely see me, she's probably helped me the most since my break up with Sarah. Who else...Cody, I guess, though he's never asked, and probably won't care. I'll show Cakey so that he can show Iruna, since I feel she has the right to know what I look like, she was my best relationship after all. Retag too, because, although I haven't known her as long as most friends, I've really appreciated her happy-go-lucky attitude. I really respect that. There's a few others too, though I can't seem to recall their names. Now, don't feel angry if I don't show you, and don't be hurt either. I'm not choosing anyone over anyone else. The people that see it will be people that I've either known for a long time, or have really been there for me when I needed them. As I get less shy, I'll eventually show everyone what I look like, so they're really only seeing it first. And I plan to show only half my face, that plays into the 'special someone' thing. I think it's a nice, romantic secret, only my lover will know what the other half of my face looks like. Only she will see all of me. Now, I know that sounds stupid. There's barely any different between the left and right side of my face, except maybe for a pesky pimple or two. I've never really been plagued by them, one will show up maybe every other month, I've never had a huge rash of them which is nice. Anyway, only my lover will see my complete face. A nice, romantic and bonding secret if you ask me. Actually, now it's sounding kind of stupid, but I'm sticking by it, it's a romantic kind of stupid, so it's cute and it works. Maybe I'll wear a cool phantom of the opera mask or something for the picture. Then jump around a stage and be creepy. Who knows. Maybe I'll just cut the picture in half, and save the original for my one, true love. Now I sound like Snow White. Kind of. Not really. That was a weird comparison. I should go back and delete that but the laziness has overpowered me.
Well, that was a fun chat. Let's do it again sometime, perhaps when I'm more awake and my brain is, well, working. Until then, people who read my journal entries.