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I fight to just hold on to what I believe. |
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You can fight if you like some other time; you'll find I'm out of reach. Your words can't hurt me, I'm out tonight.
'What an interesting web we weave, when first we practice to believe.'
I thought of that about...five hours ago; actually it was more time then that when those words whispered through my mind but I have already taken the long way with this entry. I have written, re-written, corrected, edited, deleted and re-typed this post more times then I care to admit. At one time I even accidently pressed the damn 'Submit' button, which I can assure you caused many and much F Bombs to be dropped. I bet the neighbors heard me; I know damn well the people walking out front of my apartment heard me. xD
This entry MIGHT make it into my journal by midnight, or it might not. xD As it is, I am just trying to keep things as short as I possibly can, and try to keep on track. Which is never easy for me to do. There are so many things I want to say and so many things that always OCCUR to me to say when I am finally able to get one of these monsters going, they tend to take on a life of their own. I start out on one thing and my mind just...takes a little journey with the keyboard as hostage. There's so much that is rattling about in there that it seems at times there will never be an end to it. But there is only so much time. And goodness knows I have wasted enough time already. xD
I have no idea if the journal entry you will see will be the one I am typing out at the moment, to be perfectly honest. It keeps changing and evolving into something else. I keep fussing with the damn thing, tweaking this and writing that again...The words are THERE, but I am just not getting them out all that well today. I feel like I have completely tanked out on this entry. Usually I feel that I did ok with one (cause I am very, very critical of anything I write) and that I atleast somewhat got my point across, no matter how I kinda...went the long way about it. Sometimes I even have been PLEASED with my entry. But not this one. I just...can not seem to get what I am trying to say out. It is all a jumble up here. *Knocks on her head* I have so much going on in meh brain meats that I am not sure what should stay, what should go, and what I should re-do. All I know is that it is important for people to read atleast some of this, read it and hopefully believe what I say. I am going to try to keep it simple, short, and sweet, but if I start going off on a tangent as I usually do, all I can ask is for you to please forgive me. heart Flare is a wordy little thing, but she means well, I assure you.
Here goes, atleast, and if it all sucks, then I am sorry. I am trying here, but I just can not seem to get it the way I want it.
I started out in one mood and now I am in another. I guess it was all the typing and all the stuff I just...wrote. I purged a little, vented here, ranted there. I bitched and realized how MUCH I b***h and then just...took a moment to really look on here and see how sweet people have been. I also loved on the Fuzzy anytime I could get her in my arms. I loved on the Fuzzy a LOT. xd She started out in the same room as me and at this point she has ran away back to the bedroom to get away from me. xD I can not help it, she is just so sweet, fuzzy and adorable. heart the Candle. =^.^= heart
I have been at this damn entry since well before nine my time; nine in the morning. At this moment it is already nearly 1:58 and I am still not done with it. xD It is not that I am in a bad mood, it is just that I am in...a thoughtful mood, a contemplative mood.
And already I will say I am sorry for this entry, cause I am sure it will be a doozy. xD I have thought too much on too little sleep, and listened to the voices in my head too much again. xD That means one of THOSE entries, so if you want to just skip this one, go ahead. I would not blame anyone. xD Not like these things are really all that entertaining...Well, not in the typical sense. If you find disorder and chaos fun, then I bet I am a riot. xd
I tend to want to write far too much while in this mood, which is just perfect for my journal, since no one is HAVING to read this (*poke poke hint hint to all those that make fun of my huge posts* xD). It is not one of my RPs where this huge post is just dumped on the other RPer(s); this is not something anyone has to read, not important or affecting anyone but me. If you wander this way and decide to stay a little while within this little corner of Gaia that I call my own, it is because you wanted to. You chose to. For whatever reason you wished to see what I was ranting/going on about/chattering over/spazzing about/going bonkers on/feeling at the moment.
And I can not thank you enough.
You guys take the time out to poke your head in and look about. Even though most if not all of you that are familiar with me know the long-winded but well-meaning posts that I contrive to create (with much gusto and enthusiasm, might I add. xD) and how I can go on and on and on and on and on about ANYTHING...You guys come to read these things anyway, you come around to see what I am flying at the keyboard about and WOW. That...means a lot to me. More then I could ever say, more then I know some of you want me to try to say. xD
But in all seriousness...Thank you, to every single one of you that come here, or came to see the last three entries; I don't care if you did not comment and if you do not comment on this one, I don't care if you even read it all, or if all you do is come to see if your name is mentioned...the point is you came, you took some of it in...And that says something to me.
So to all of you: heart . Much, much, much heart . I wish I had the ability to put into words how much it means to me that you guys bother with it; I am sorry I have to cop out with an emoticon to try to express what I am trying to say...But thank you. I could repeat it a million times and I still would not think it was enough.
Fourth entry. That amuses me to no end that this is my fourth entry (especially when I think of the fact that I have been on Gaia for over a year now- which I am very proud of- and have held back so many times on making entries for one reason or the other...Lucky people, too, sometimes I was in the craziest moods when I sat down to create one of these things. xd ); I rather like the number four and have come to see it as good luck. I like to think that it is a good sign that I got to leave my fourth entry today; perhaps I can pass that luck onto whoever reads over this, a smile atleast, if nothing else. That would be so nice, if it were that simple, to be able to give out some happiness in a little way like that.
I am all over the place, as usual. Again it seems like I just can not stay focused; this entry shows how scattered my thoughts are, how erratic and incoherent that I can get when left to my own devices. xD Damn those little floating bunny-eggie-head-thingies. They have to be colored and raining down over the page, and even though I already have my Easter items, I am compelled to collect every little bunny-eggie-head-whatever simply because they are colorful and I like the damn little basket they go into. xD I do hope that everyone had a good Easter weekend.
Please forgive how random I am, I swear I have a point, I am just tired and scatter-brained and all in love with the site as usual. It happens when I am away for awhile; I come back and it seems like I have not been on for so long, I just get spazzy with it. xD And then to try to sit down and do a journal entry...It all makes sense in my head, but that does not mean that it translates out into the page all that well at times. I have too many things on my mind at all times, it seems, but for some reason this morning I am just over and beyond the usual heavy mental traffic. I need a damn traffic controller or whatever they are called, though goodness knows they would have their job cut out for them. Anyway...I had a point of making an entry today and I am going to try to stick to that point, for once, and not go off into left field every other line.
I (as basically as I can get xD) just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have left comments for me here and in my profile, or PMed me just to say I was missed, or hell, just for thinking of me. xD I also want to say I am sorry I have been gone for as long as I have been; I just have been so busy with things that I just...fell behind. I dropped the ball, which has come to be a favorite analogy of mine, or in my case, balls, since I juggle everything about. I like to think that I can juggle with the best, but I did not just drop one ball, I let them all tumble from my hands. I just...lost the rhythm and have had a b***h of a time getting it back.
This is not meant to be another b***h-rant, of which I am known far and wide for, this is just meant to try to help people to understand why I have been up in the clouds lately, and why I have not been on as much, or as on top of things as I used to be.
In my last entry I tried to explain myself somewhat and how I am feeling, how I have been feeling. I had hoped that it would help some people to understand why I have not been on (though, I will admit that when I later read it, it just sounded more like one of my infamous rants. >.< I am sorry about that, it was not intended as a rant, but yes, I was slightly stressed about a few things and I think it showed. I am sorry for that. >.< wink , so they would not think that it was anything personal. The last thing I want people to feel like is that I am ignoring them just because I can not get online. Sadly, there are people that feel exactly that way, and no amount of explaining seems to ever make them realize that I have NOT been meaning to ignore them, that I, like them, just have things I have to deal with offline, away from Gaia. I try and will continue to try to help them to understand but I have learned the hard way that there are people who could have attention 24/7 and still not get enough. One can give their all...and it is still just not enough.
I already knew that, long before Gaia, but it seems like I have ran up against a lot of those types here lately. My heart goes out for them, too, because it seems like simply no one can do enough to please them, and it is not just me, but in some instances seems to be just life in general can not do enough to please them. It seems like nothing anyone does for these people are enough; which is sad, really, because there is so much to be...happy about. So much to be glad to be alive about. It could always be worse, so why not be happy as much as possible?
And when it comes right down to it, I don't like feeling as if I am failing people, and while I hear often that I should not put so much stock into people I meet online, I can not help but care when I think someone else is hurting. So many seem to care about me and listen to me when I go off (as I am now. xD And see...YOU, whoever you are at the moment, YOU are reading this. xD); why should I not give a damn or try to, if they will let me? It is in my nature to care, even when it would be better not to. That does not change when I get online; just because no one really knows the person behind the avatar does not mean I have the right to sign on and be a p***k to people. I have read many, many things all over Gaia about that; have seen it in many people, that just because they feel no one really knows who they are they can be blastholes to others...and you know what? It just does not work that way. While I know we can not all just join hands and skip around, singing about peace, love, and chicken grease, it does not mean that people have to go out of their way to be rude to one another.
...Boy, there I went. rofl I can not help but rant at times, it seems. xD
Still, despite all of this, I feel bad when I am not able to get on and talk to people because it seems as if some people are genuinely wanting to hear from me and goodness knows I want to hear from them. I LIKE to hear about how people are feeling, I like to hear about how their day has been and little things like that. And god knows it means so much to me that they care about MY day, and how I am, and how I am feeling. And when someone can not get on, who knows what the other person is thinking on their end? That they have been forgotten, cast aside, that they are unimportant? That they are being ignored or that they have been lied to?
Some do, unfortunately. And I suppose I can not help that; I get told a LOT by MANY people that I can not help everyone, that some people do not even really want to be helped, do not even really care to be. I want to, though. God, I want to.
But as I said, this is not meant to be another entry of me sounding off (despite the fact that it sounds that way. >.< wink . I just wish I could...get it through to people that I do care, even when I can not get online. That I mean well, even when I am being a s**t. A total s**t. >.< I have been a s**t for a long, long time now. I am not perfect, not even close, and never will be. I like to think I can change, though, that I am changing, and that as time goes by I will change slowly but surely for the better. Even if I can not be perfect, I can atleast be as close to it as possible. I can try to be better, atleast. One day I will grow up, I promise. xd And for those that stick around me and care enough to put up with me, not just now but in the time to come, I will try my best to NOT be a s**t...I am just sorry that I fail at that sometimes, and that I have failed in the past.
...Ok...Not just sometimes. A LOT of times. xd
So...*Tries to steer clear of bitching anymore in this entry* xD I guess I have failed at what I meant to do with this one...Which was NOT go wandering down this well worn path of mine. I wanted to get on here to let the people that have cared about me enough to stick around through this past year know that I thank them, and yeah, you know who you are. xD
I love you all in my own way and I am glad I have met you, that we were able to cross paths and share what we have. It has been nice and I have enjoyed this entire wild ride. xD It is no secret that I adore Gaia, fell in love with the entire concept the moment I found it and then had to get addicted to some of you nuts out there. xD It is the people that I come back for, the people I have met along the way that make me smile, and it is those people I dedicate this entry to. You guys make this one happy, make this one feel...Glad, I guess is what I mean. There are some of you out there that have helped to change my opinion on a great many things for the best and for those people, I can not ever thank you enough. I will always be in your debt for the kindness you have shown me, for the laughs you have given me. The smiles that you have given me and all the times I was cheered up with a simple comment. Thank you all. ^.^
As I said, I am by no means perfect and this little rant-that-was-not-'posed-to-be-a-rant was 'posed to be a heartfelt thank you for all the people that have been my friend and given a damn. Seriously, thank you. It is truly the small things that matter, it is the tiny things that one might not think insignificant that can mean the world to someone else. While it might not seem a lot that you guys have done what you have done, and while I do not tell you thank you enough, I thank you deeply, and shall always be grateful for every little thing that you have done and will do in the future. I am sorry I did go off a tad bit up there ('course, who REALLY thought I could keep on the damn subject? xD), but I was trying to work my way back to the main point of the reason why I started this, which was to say thank you.
I have missed you all and I really am working to get all caught up on things on here, despite the fact it seems like I am going NOWHERE with it at the moment. xD I hope to be able to get meh damn PMs out soon (hehehehe, you KNEW the PM rant was going to be in here somewhere, it was just a matter of when I decided to go off about it. xD) and...I guess that might be it for the moment.
Yeah...I think I have bitched and ranted and vented enough for the day. I have tinkered with this damn thing for more then half the day and while I am still not pleased with it, I am not going to mess with it anymore. xD Sometimes one just has to let go and I am doing it with this entry, cause if I am not careful I will sit here until I drift off in my chair fussing with it, and I very much wanted it out as soon as I could manage it.
I am sorry it took so much to say what amounts to so little (or might to some), but that is just the way I work. I go from the outside...in. I want to explain everything, I suppose. Try to help people to see where I am coming from with all this. Though I am sorry that I might have sounded...Grrrr and mean and snappy at certain times in this entry, by no means was that what I wanted. I just want...people to understand. As much as they can, anyway.
And...I wanted to say thanks to those that try to understand. And thanks to those that do understand.
So...Thanks. heart
~Behold...The Cuteness. The Sweetness. The most darling kitty EVER. heart My baby, my darling Candle. She will be turning nine years old in this upcoming September. I was lucky enough to find her when she was only six months old (cute little ears and fluffy tail! It was love at first sight. ^.^) and have been blessed to have had her with me all this time. She is my happy-place, my peace in the storm. How wise and lovely this little darling is, so sweet and graceful.
She is the reason why I have not snapped and taken some people permanently outta this world. ^.^
I know a lot of people that should thank the Candle-chan. xd ~
*Last Event* That Pink Box I spoke of in my last entry was the last event I have gotten, but I have hardly been on so I really don't mind. Unless you count all these damn egg-bunny-thingies, and if THOSE count, then I am one lucky little thing. ^.^ (And I know they do NOT count, but it has been fun seeing that little '!' popping up every time I refresh the page. xD)
*Favorite Haunts on Gaia At The Moment* Red, as usual, my home on Gaia. heart I adore this guild and I am trying to get back on top of things in there, as well, since I REALLY fell behind in it. xD I am haunting the hell outta my Inbox, too, when I am on, but I feel as if trying to catch that thing up is like trying to catch an alligator with some thread. It is not going to happen without a miracle. xD
*Theme Song of the Moment* Sometimes It Hurts by Stabbing Westward. It...perfectly says what needs to be said. As the ol' Marvel slogan says, 'nuff said.
*What Book I Am Reading Now* The Talisman, written by both Stephen King and Peter Straub. I read this book for the first time when I was less then ten years old; it literally made me see the world in a different light. This is easily one of the books that made me want to be a writer more then anything else.
*Thought Of The Day* You become what you think.
*Questing For....* I WAS questing for those spiffy and oh-so-damn-cool Horns Of The Demon...but as you can see...I GOT THEM FINALLY! heart Thank you SO VERY MUCH, William Black! heart *Huggles madly* William is selling them to me for a VERY nice price. I say "selling" because my NEW quest is paying them off and getting him all the gold he is owed. xD Which is only...about 90k more. ninja heart
*Odd Gaia Goal* I *le gasp* never did finish my LAST Odd Goal, but I do intend to still DO it. I do, however, have a new Goal to be amazed and awed at. This one is rather like the last one, and like it, not too odd at all, actually. I want to leave comments for those on my Flist, just a little hello here, a *huggles* there, to let them know I have not forgotten them, and just because people have been nice enough to come comment in my profile even when I was not here, or able to answer them right away. *Much heart *
*Random Question For Anyone Who Thinks They Can Answer It* Do you think that Lanzer accepts random Flist requests? Cause you know he probably has, like, a bajillion and one every day. xd
*Random Flare Fact #2401:* Two words: Captain. Crunch. YES. heart
*Favorite Funny Account Name I Found While Randomly Roaming About Gaia* Ronald Mcfondled (Come ON, how great is that? xD)
*Word Of The Day* Serenity.
*Favorite Movie Quote Of The Moment*
Marcus- I had to sleep on my couch! I wake up this morning, I got a Power Ranger stuck up my a**!
~Bad Boys~
*Random Huggle* Sevi. Cause Sevi is Teh Greatness.
*My Inbox is 92% full*
*Welcome RadiantFlare, your Gaia Gold: 5005*
*Song Playing At The Moment On Flare's Jukebox* KoRn's Hollow Life.
*Last Movie Watched* ninja Don't worry about it.
*Peanut Butter Or Chocolate* PB all the way.
*Last Greatest CD Bought* Darkest Days by Stabbing Westward. One of THE best CDs EVER. LOVE this CD. I highly recommend their stuff.
*Featured Gaia Quote*Asai Kaiyosho -insert spasm of joy here-
 RadiantFlare · Mon Apr 17, 2006 @ 08:47pm · 6 Comments |
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