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I'm starting to suffocate...I'm coming undone. |
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These are the things I can do without...(So come on! I am talking to you so come on!)
To say I am overwhelmed would be like saying that space is somewhat large. I have not the words to describe how things have changed since the last time I was able to leave a few words in here...nor will I even try. There are still some wonderful things that have remained: like Candle, the love for this place and my own little corner of it, and the fact that once my fingers find the keyboard I have to work hard to pull them back. I still need to write as much as I need to breath, RPing is still the addiction it has always been, and I still love with all my being all the things I loved on here a year ago. But time has passed and things have changed and while I always have believed that change is good- it is progress, after all- sometimes even one like me can sit back and think fondly back at simpler times, when things were different, maybe not better, mind you, but different, when the stress and challenges of that time can pale and lose some of their power in what one knows in the present.
My love for Gaia, even after my break from it and most, if not all, of you has not in the least bit weakened. If anything, every day that I was away, every hour that I was having to be busy with something else, every night that I was away only made me love the site more, adore the people I have found here and there like the rare gems that they are. I was away for quiet a long time, sadly, and even though I logged on enough to keep up just enough, it was never enough to really get a grasp on things nor was I ever able to get the messages out to people that I needed to so very badly. I am sorry, for all those that surely believes I have forgotten you, know that I never did once, you were always in my heart, and I will get around to answering you as soon as I can. To say I have fallen behind in everything...Well, that might rank as the understatement of my year.
I did not want to be away; more then half of the time I have been off with other things I wanted to be right here, doing what I am doing now, but it was not always my choice, for life as well as other people had plans for me that I had, for reasons I will not get into, to oblige. If it is one weakness I have that I have always loathed in my own little way but yet know is what seperates me from the very kind of people I despise, it is my need to see others happy before I will allow myself that way. I always put others first; their needs, their emotions, their wants and desires. I have always been like this, for as long as I can remember being period, and while I know it makes me a better person, sometimes it seems to backfire on me in horrible ways. It sets me back in what I need to do. And if there is one bit of advice I will be giving until my time in this realm is over, it will be this: Sometimes, just sometimes, you have to put yourself first.
I have discovered that sometimes, one must be greedy. Sometimes making yourself happy first before others is not as cruel, cold, or heartless as it may seem. More often then not, you are the only person that will be thinking of what is best for you and what you need; it is truly rare to find someone that gives and gives selflessly. As much as I would like to think I am that type, I know that is not true, for I want things as well. The only difference between me and them is what I am wanting. To me, I want so little. I am not asking for the world, I am not asking for all the money in the world, I am not wanting attention, hell, what it is I desire is as free as air to some but I notice that as soon as I start wanting my share of it, it suddenly becomes as prescious as gold.
Time.
Time is all I want; space and time, the two most wasted things in the universe that most do not seem to acknowledge and respect...Until it is taken from them and then, too late, they realize how dear and how wonderful both things are. Then they want it back; too late, always too late. Seems like man's worst characteristic: Always being too late, realizing too late, opening their eyes too late, coming to terms too late, caring too late; like the white rabbit over and over with reality being Wonderland.
And I know I am far from perfect; I said that I felt that what I wanted was little, that I felt I was not asking too much, but I know that what others want might not be all that much to them in their eyes. They might be wondering how come I am the one being so stingy, why is it that I am not giving more to them. I know that many, many of the very people that I feel like I have given all I have to give and then some to feel like they still do not get enough. I am sorry for this. I am sorry because I feel more times then not that I have nothing else to give...Nothing else that I care to give, not without having to make sacrifices that I simply can not bear to contemplate. So who is wrong? Who is right? Who needs to give more, take less, and start letting go of the things that they demand? I do not know the answers to any of these questions. I do not know, even after a lifetime of wondering.
I have tried my best during these times to hold together and to think of others but I know I have failed in many ways and aspects. I have not been an angel to everyone during this time. I just have not been able to sometimes, even though I resented the way I was acting, it was just something I could not hold back. I have been angry, I have been hateful, simply for not having my greedy little needs met and therefore lashing out at everyone I come across. I am sorry. There are people on here I have felt like I have abandoned when I was simply not able to keep up with them as I wanted to and I am sorry for that, for all the chances and events I have missed. I am sorry for the friends I will not meet and for the ones I have that have thought I no longer care for them.
I say I am sorry so very much; yet I never feel as if it is enough.
I once wrote "The more I say I am sorry the less I hear it in return." I was in a very bad mood, a very foul outlook of life and of people having clouded what is the most important thing of all: Forgiveness, both of oneself and of others, should be given without expecting anything back for it. I was so hurt and angry and the words had left my lips so much that while I was truly sorry for all I had done/not done, said/not said, I was just burned out on never having any proof that anyone else was sorry for what they had done. It tired me out, hollowed me out, and while I can say now that I know that what is important and what matters the most is to not just say it but truly be it, I am an imperfect being. This heart has feelings, too, feelings that even now make it hard to breath with their strength.
I want to do good, want to be the best for others I can be. All I can ask is understanding when I am anything but.
I say all this because I need anyone that cares enough to read this monster to know that I have never meant to fall behind with things as I have, I never wanted anyone to feel neglected, nor did I ever mean to ignore anyone, despite the fact that I have been accused of that over and over.
Funny, it always comes from the same people. Not even the majority of people, just from a few select ones.
While I can say I am sorry even to those people for not giving them everything I have and then some, I am writing this to try to make them and others understand something very important to me, something that I know has already caused trouble when I had hoped it would not. It pains me that it is making people act and feel the way that it is and while I wish still to see everyone as happy as possible, and while I am sure I will bleed myself dry to see these same people happy, I need to do this, for myself, so that I can continue to be what I am for everyone else. It has become as simple as that: I have to. Those of you who truly care will understand, though they might not like it, and those of you who turn away from me because of it will be letting me know all I need to know. While I will say I am sorry and I will gladly wish you luck and happiness for all your days, I will not let it haunt my heart, for you will have made your choice as I have made mine.
This year I start living for myself. I will start doing what it takes to make me happy, I will be doing with my time as I will, I will no longer be the welcome mat that so many has seen fit to take advantage of time over time. I mean what I say and I will stand by the decisions that I make. I am getting older and I have things I wish to do with my life and wasting all my time and attention and all of my heart and soul on people that only wish to take and take and take will have to find someone else that can carry that burden on them. As much as I love some people, I am putting my foot down. It will hurt to lose some people, as I know it will, but one day, I hope that they will understand. I had to take the long, hard way and only have come to this important conclusion with a loss that I can never hope to heal over completely. If I do not start living differently then that loss would have been in vain and that, in the end, would make it all unbearable. It would have made it all for nothing. I can not live with myself if I did that. So, I take my stand now.
It has not all been bad, this past year, and I am not saying more then I am for the one sacred rule that I placed upon myself more then a year ago when I very first discovered this site and finally worked up my first journal entry: I said that I would keep THERE out of HERE for they are two seperate things, two very seperate lives and worlds and mixing them, as this past year has shown me in more then one harsh way, would be disastrous and unfair. I do not regret anything but if there was one thing I did, it would be that I stupidly, very stupidly and carelessly have done just that. But regret it I will not, for everything happens for a reason, every small event has a meaning and though I might not see it now, there is a lesson here, and there will be good for all the bad. One just needs patience, a virtue that I have always lacked but that I am learning, slowly learning, to have in times when it is the hardest to have. Some might venture that I am growing; I just say that I have tried to listen to those that went before me and have so wonderfully tried to guide me, and I will not turn back on all the love and reassurances I have been given when I needed it the most. I have been blessed, that is all, and if the only way I have of saying thanks is to heed those words, then I will listen, I will learn, and I will grow. It is all I can do.
I have learned a lot this past year; I say 'year' though this journal entry only comes about nine months after the last one- far, far, far longer then what I had wished but much sooner then I had thought, and for that I am thankful as well. But it seems that the most of the things that has had such an effect on me has happened since that long ago jounal entry even though I know it had started long before that, it is just a convenient marking place in time to think of. I deeply wish it had not taken a year to get my third entry up, however, and for all the people that have looked in here and expressed their wishes that I would update, I am sorry that it has taken this long to do so and hope very much that you will stop by to peek at this now that I have finally gotten around to getting it done. Third time is a charm, they say, and I am pleased that I can now put this entry up, and on the seventh day of the new year, as well. I like to think of that as a sign; that I am on the right track and that this year will be different, better.
I certainly feel that that is so. Perhaps I am being wrongly optimistic, but I have sworn that this year I will do different, better, and that I will strive to do better in everything I do. Of course I have a list a mile long of things I hope to do this year, my yards of New Year Resolutions, and while I will not get into all of them now, this is one of them: To take the time to do the little things that make me happy. I think I have said it before in one of my other entries before this, but one of the most profound lines I have ever heard in a movie, that really sunk home with me and made my entire prospective on life change was "How can there be time if you do not make time?" And yeah, I know it was a flop of a movie to many but it just goes to show how there is something to be learned or experienced everywhere, things that can be in the most surprising places but have the most impact on our lives.
Sometimes it is when we least expect it that the wonderful things happen.
Like my kitty, Candle. I adore her; there are times like right before this was typed that I had the urge to get up, go over to her, and scoop her up into my arms and cuddle on her. I dance about the apartment with her in my arms sometimes, sing to her softly like a baby, because I cherish her so much and no matter what is happening, there is nothing those big green eyes and cute little nose can not cure. She turned eight years old this year, this past September, and again, I wish I had been able to make an entry to her on her birthday, but even if I had eighty years with her it would not be enough. She was a present from my mother for my 17th birthday and it came as a complete surprise to me that on that day when I got off the bus from school that my mother would tell me to hop into the car, we were going to go get me a kitty cat, something I had been pining for for years since I had not been able to have one for one reason or the other. The day had been so ordinary, nothing at all to seperate it out from all the others before it...until I heard those words of my mother, until I walked into the animal shelter and saw the most lovely, most perfect Maine Coon that I could ever hope to find.
My little angel, my happiness in all the sadness, the bestest friend I could ever hope to have. To anyone that has ever loved a cat as I love her, then you can understand, and to all those that have yet to have their heart stolen by four little paws and a purr, I wish that you would know that love soon. It is true what they say, about how people with cats have lower blood pressure, live longer, and are happier. Look at that little face, who could not fall into love with that face and not know joy?
I have so many of her but that one is just one of my favorites; she just looks happy to me. And a happy Candle is a happy Flare. heart
So what else...what else...So much, so much is the problem. So much I want to talk about, so much still to discuss but I think that I am nearing the end of this entry, simply because I would rather take my time over many entries instead of rushing through this one. And I am sure that there are plenty that would rather me stop soon, because I know how my large posts causes many to just give up before they even start. I write these more for myself then anything else but for those that take the time to actually read, that really care enough to do that, thank you. Thank you more then I could ever say. It means so much to me to know there are people that care, that wish to know how I am doing, what is up with me and thanks to everyone that wanted me to make another entry. You guys made me smile when it was hard to. Thank you.
So now there is only over 100 PMs to get done, more then one guild to get updated and re-organized again, as well as guilds I need to leave and enter into again (I got booted from so many due to not being on; each time I got a PM about being kicked out I was so sad but I understood. And there are about five that I am just leaving due to personal reasons, most of them touched in this entry.), threads to make and threads to post in...SO many projects on here I have neglected and let go for far too long. This journal having been one of them but since I was able to finally do this I hope to be caught up in all the other matters soon. I have a rather large Gaia To-Do list and some of the largest things on that list was making this entry, working on Red and getting caught up in the frightening amount of PMs that need to be done. I have copied over into a Notepad document all of the ones that I have not been able to answer along the way and I will start to work on that large sum soon; I want to put a lot of work into Red and I expect that to take a few days and there is a list of other things I hope to get done on here, like making an actual profile (I have not even bothered with the poor thing; whose had the time?), making my Quest thread (this angel wants her demon horns), and going through my massive Subscribed threads just being SOME of the things I want caught up on.
So to all those that read this, thank you, for all those that stuck around and have cared for me for all the time I have been on here, thank you and much love and wishes for joy to all of you, whether you see this or not.
Here is to a wonderful new year, a time to start over and do right all the things that one could have handled better in the past; a chance to have dreams come true and do again all the things that one has come to love.
~I love the look of her face in this one. xD She just looks so damn cute, like she is daring someone to touch her Hellsing. I love the Hellsing anime and manga; it is a little known fact to some but those that do know know I adore Hellsing. I am looking forward to the new OVAs more then I care to admit. xD I just had to include this picture, though, because kitty knows her anime! heart ~
*Last Event* I got a Pink Box my first day really back to Gaia- within hours I got it and joked to everyone that it was as if Gaia had missed me, too. I have no idea what was in it, I gave it to a friend on here named Asai as a pressie, but I hope it was something good. Either way, it kicked a** to get one like that.
*Favorite Haunts on Gaia At The Moment* Red Eclipse, the very first guild I was ever invited into (and which I always speak of; Lost made me Vice-Captain! heart That news was some of the best news I have gotten all year. Thank you so very much, Lost. I can never thank you enough for that.) and my Inbox. Besides the New Year's event, these two are pretty much where I have been whenever I am on.
*Theme Song of the Moment* Out Of Reach (Voltaire; anyone that listens to it will know exactly why I picked it. Not quiet as hard as the music I listen to and that people know me for, but this song puts into words exactly how I feel better then I ever could. I highly recommend hunting it up and listening to atleast once.)
*What Book I Am Reading Now* Gregory Maguire's Son Of A Witch. It is a work of total art; it is Maguire, though, so what else would one expect?
*Thought Of The Day* "I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
*Questing For....* The same as usual- Good PM RPs, art, art, PM RPs, art, art, PM RPs...The usual, like I said. Still an RP junkie, still an art junkie; only difference is I am withdrawing from both and will be feeding that need soon as I get the To-Do List caught up on. I am also questing Horns Of The Demon but I have a few things yet to spend gold on before I can truly say I am questing. I am going to buy some stuff I have wanted to get for awhile and buy a couple of sub-forums for Red...and then I will start my true Quest.
*Odd Gaia Goal* I have, to date, nearly 200 people on my Friendslist and atleast half of said people have journals on here. For those that I can, I shall catch up on their journal and leave comments in each of them to let them know I was there and thinking of them. So that is atleast, atleast, 90 journals to comment in.
*Random Question For Anyone Who Thinks They Can Answer It* Why does one feel the need to surround themselves with people that make them feel miserable when one can be sad by themselves just fine? (And right now I know I will hear 'Because misery loves company'... xd )
*Favorite Movie Quote Of The Moment*
Tyler Durden- Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
~Fight Club~
*My Inbox is 66% full*
*Welcome RadiantFlare, your Gaia Gold: 15779*
*Song Playing At The Moment On Flare's Jukebox* Wake Up by Three Days Grace
*Last Movie Watched* ninja That information would be classified with viewing labeled as "Need To Know Only".
*Pepsi Or Coke* Duh...Just...Duh.
*Last Greatest CD Bought* KoRn's newest work of divine art, See You On The Other Side. (One day I am going to come up there and steal you away to a KoRn concert, Vanny. xd heart )
*Featured Gaia Quote*
[ - Snow - ] xD
You talk too much.
But that's okay.
 RadiantFlare · Sat Jan 07, 2006 @ 01:17pm · 11 Comments |
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