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I know I have deleted all of my suicide notes, and thoughts with it in there. To my readers who were once subscribed to my channel of sadness, I took your advice and got out there. I have not attempted suicide in two years. I thought I felt good about this, but its nights like tonight when I am sitting here all alone that I think "What is the point?" Nights like tonight where I wish my mom and her d**k of a fiance would allow me downstairs with them to watch tv with them on the only tv that has well... tv working on it now. I'm sick of playing games by myself. I hate being alone, that has always been my strength and my weakness. I am always fine being alone if I know there is no chance of being with someone, but after arguing with Colin tonight, and then being sent up from with Scott and Mom, I feel dejected.

As some of you may know, I recently moved in a new place.... yet again. This is hard on me. I am doing my best to make friends, but I never know what to say. I try my best to make conversation, but I feel like I'm just looking like an idiot. I feel like some of them even wish they hadn't been introduced to me/introduced themselves. I wish I had someone who would listen.

Sometimes I wish I was put back into the horror house that was once my home with my father. Although he may yell and scream at me, then punish me for making him angry enough for the neighbors to hear, I was never alone. And, I never felt so scared, mainly because I knew what came next.

I do not fear death, and maybe that is why at sometimes like this I can feel like I embrace it. I may not fear death, I may not fear what is after death, but my fear of dying is that I will be forever alone. I wish people could just understand that I am doing the best that I can. That I just want to be with people who are there, to have friends where I am not contantly just relying on my boyfriend to be there. I want someone who is closer. I love Colin, I do, and I don't want a new boyfriend, I want him more than anyone, but I want a friend or two. Someone who is here with me, willing to accept me. Is that too much?

If I did believe in any religion, then I do not think it would last.
The only thing scarier than God, is if there is no god.