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Its weird how techno usually has the most depressing musik of all. I really feel depressed rite now. Like everything is just doom and gloom. I want to go for a walk, jump off a mountain into freezing water below, run across the highway, lay on my back and stare up at the stars wondering what will come. Its a beautiful thing, the universe. So infinite. forever and always. You should never make that pact when your not sure of the other. It does nothing but make you sad forever and always. In the most proportional way your happy and sad. Its all happy, smiles skipping hugs and kisses until the end then everything goes black and white theres no good in life, only the starless skies filled with pollution, the cars with their endless noise making you understand where the grinch was coming from when he decided to end the noise. Its unbearable and you want nothing more than to scream, but silence is even worse. Your all alone and you feel smothered. There's nothing in your way and yet you feel trapped by all the boundaries, you dont push them, you just walk around trying to find the way through. All those jumping over the wall leave you far behind without a second glance, they'll never think back on you, and your too scared to follow it all through, you want so badly to see it to the end but your scared of what the future will hold, what if you get in trouble and there's no returning? How do you make it past teh end and end up right back at teh beginning, no smarter than before? Its a never ending cycle of learning and loving, and yet you never truly learn when it comes to love, you can live a million times over and you still fall prey to those 3 small words. I. Love. You. Your a sucker when it comes to that, with just those whispered endearments your gone, off on the joyride that will lead you to your untimely demise. and yet you have done it all before. Everything feels the same and yet different and you keep telling yourself, not this time. not again.
Others in the same situation will look at you the same as you at them. How can they do it to themselves. Theyve been through the same hardships over and over again, they have put themselves on that serving tray and believed full-heartedly that this pig will not gorge. A little bit of restraint will come forth before you are totally devoured by it all. There will be something left of you, there has to be. Yet you end this game the same as it began, your alone, scared and looking for someone to help you through it all, a sympathetic soul who will know you whole and whole. The perfect match who will not judge, who will love you no matter what, but will this one have the restraint to pull you through, can they stop this game of lovers lost? Do they feel the same for you as you do them, in the end is it all your fault, were you to insecure in yourself, in them? Could you just not handle the constant stress of remembering what has passed and thinking they the same as before, will they leave you when the serving trey is empty but for the bones?
Have you lived it enough to learn yet? How many lifetimes will pass before the cruel torture ends, or is it a loop, you never learn and neither do they. And you cant help but to think, have they gone through the same, do they fear I will be the same and that is how they treat you, as if this will all end in time, just as you hold yourself back not wanting to reveal how much there is so that you can keep yourself breathing in the end. When the world falls apart, and you have stored that part of you hidden so deep down they could never even know. But if you revealed that part, would they have been scared and left sooner,,or was that the part they had been waiting for. Had they been waiting for you to reveal your true self, your hidden self before they in-turn revealed their true selves as well. How do you know when is the rite time, how do you know that they will not run when they see how you truly feel, what your deepest darkest secret is. Can you handle having someone know you so completely, have your feelings so on the surface, put your most tender parts to their mouth and hope for nothing more than a simple kiss, an accepting in whole. How do you know, how can you feel secure in the fact that those wont be devoured, will they see your true self and be scared, will they think they are not worthy? or worse, too good? Can you heal after that most tender of places, the soul has been destroyed. If there is no trace of you left to feel, can you have anything left to heal? Are you able to, willing even? If you have been utterly abandoned, left for dead, will you have the strength to carry on. Will the loop continue or do you have to heal first, or will the loop heal you. Does it lead you on to the one that will heal you. But does that one heal you just to feed? Are they just stuffing you full of love so they have more then to devour at that later time. Will you have the strength to reveal yourself, will there be enough confidence to confide in them those secrets once again, can you bear it if they reject you?
and worse, have you done the same to another. Have you been the one to blindly walk passed as they reach out for your hand. Did you turn your back on their feelings. Have they stood by the sidelines just hoping for your attention, hoping to be the one to break that evil cycle. If you were to give them the chance, love them back, hold them, kiss them. Feel them. Will they have that fear that you dont always mean it, are you just seeking any attention, were you just so lost that you had no choice but to come to the closest house? Do you realize who they are, what they are? Do you love them, want them, need them as they do you? Or are you just seeking the bandaid that will hold you together enough to get to the doctor. Why can they not be that doctor when they try so hard, how is theyre first aid kit any better when they have all the same contents, it is all just blood and guts, flesh and bones..can they believe the happiness in your smile while your eyes are seeking for that flame, the flame you seem not to have. They smile and say those words, the heartbreaking, gut-wrenching I. Love. You. those, the words you've been hoping for, the words you live to hear, the words you die for. But the feeling doesnt reach their eyes, they smile and kiss you yet you cant help but to feel that they are holding back, that they look right through you waiting for the next one.

and its all a bunch of gibberish. no meaning what-so-ever.