Thad had confided in Casey. She was the friend he had gone to when he needed to talk about things that couldn't even be discussed around Sade. Now she was dead. Gone. Buried. And who would've thought she would take her own life? Thad was devastated, and there was a heaviness in his heart that seemed would never be filled. But paired with the pain, the heartbreak, there was a sense of terrible, irrational anger at Casey. She had brought out the deepest, darkest secrets of the small circle of friends into an intimate position where, after putting their shocked, pathetic selves back together, they had no choice but to address the issues. And Sade had been the only one who wasn't guilty of anything. That as part of the reason Thad loved her. She was incorruptible. It was a much larger part of the reason his remorse was so great after hurting her. She had done nothing wrong. In the longrun, the blunt way Casey had spoken in her letter would certainly change the lives of everyone in the group, but Thad couldn't help the feeling of doom. The worst case scenarios blossomed darkly in his mind: He would lose Sade, Kade's brother would never forgive him and their family would be torn apart, Gemma would lose the baby, and Thad himself would succumb to his addictions.
Now here he was, slouched miserably in a chair in his dimly lit bedroom. His tee shirt had been cast carelessly to the floor, an inconspicuous mound among the rest of the room's clutter. Shirtless, in the faded jeans he had slept in, with a smoldering joint hanging delicately from between thumb and forefinger, Thad allowed the substances to move the pain into the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall behind him. His spinning mind quickly relaxed and the issues at hand drifted with minimal significance through his mind. Sade might want to talk.. but that doesn't matter now.. Gemma's pregnant.. oh well.. Kade's been cheating on Gemma with his brother's girlfriend.. why, that son of a gun! Thad burst into hearty laughter. He was totally relaxed. Happy. But at the same time, a horrifying feeling of dread coursed through him, only slightly more pronounced than the remainder of his distant thoughts. He was doing it again. The bad thing that the others didn't want him to do because they cared. And once again, he was ignoring their concern, ignoring the worried looks from Sade, and ignoring his own conscience. Because of the drugs, he could do that. He loathed himself, but he was ignoring that too.
Some time passed, but just as he was ignoring the real world going on all around him, Thad managed to ignore the clock. Faintly, he was aware of his own childishness, his own cowardice, but refused to acknowledge it. He had a wall up.
Eventually, Thad seized enough control of himself to get unsteadily to his feet. I am so stoned. He said, bursting into another fit of laughter. There wasn't much humor in it. He opened the window to air out the room and headed for the shower, stumbling stupidly out of his jeans on the way. The water was lukewarm, but he barely noticed as he washed the smoky smell out of his hair and skin. The shower didn't last long, but the flow of water helped to bring him back to himself a little. Thad stepped out onto the slick tiled floor, dried off, wrapped the towel around his waist, shaved off the shadow of stubble that had made its usual overnight appearance, brushed his teeth, hastily styled his hair, and dressed quickly into a simple fitted tee and a clean pair of jeans. The munchies were just arriving, so he grabbed a bag of pretzels and went outside for some fresh air.
It was pleasantly cool outside, especially after the smoke-filled room, and the wet earth smell lingered in the refreshed air as misty rain fell. Cars rolled wetly across the damp pavement, sending up tiny waves as they rolled through puddles. The cool air helped the sensation to fade and the weight of the recent events to settle painfully back onto his shoulders. Depression slowly crawled back into his consciousness.
I should talk to somebody, He thought glumly. As far as he knew, no one in the group had spoken since Casey's death. The shock was just too great, and the couples honestly weren't on speaking terms at the moment. And Thad himself hadn't spoken to anybody, anywhere, since the funeral. He was beginning to feel isolated, so he went to the kitchen to get his scratched, abused phone, unsure of who to call but wanting to call someone. Sade and Gemma were particularly close, so they had probably already ranted about their unfaithful boyfriends to the other. A fresh wave of remorse swept through Thad at this thought.
It turned out Kade had already contacted Thad. Good. 'Thad, hey! What ya up to, care to chill or something?' The message said, cheerful in almost comical contrast to Thad's feeling of dread. But it was good. Talking would help. Thad hit reply and prepared his still pretty stoned mind to compose a text.
To: Kade
From: Thad
yeah when and where?
From: Thad
yeah when and where?
Thad had never been competent at texting, a deficiency which was made all the worse by the fact that he was pretty stoned. Hopefully Kade would be in the mood to go out somewhere; Thad was pretty damn sick of hanging idly around the house. Hopefully Sade would be ready to talk soon..
