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the one how i thing of both day and night simply wishing for him to call, is nothing i am proud of. i shall never speak these words for him for i know they would make him choose, and i wish only for his wish to come true. he wishes for love. love that is a unknown word to me. i can not let myself hope for i never have that it may happen to me. i am not worth loves time, for i hate it. but he who believes in it so strongly should gain his wish. he how helps others and saves lives even in s small way, it is him who deserves his wish to be granted, for all that he has saved. i shall not let myself become a burden to anyone, especially not him. so if all l have gained for helping those how say i have helped even if i do not believe i have, my wish goes to him. he asked once y would i waist my wish on something i disbelieve in so strongly? my reply was because u believe in it so much and it is half of who u r, so the wish is not wasted but saved for it would have done me no good. wishes for myself r said with greed so they would not come true but my wish for someone else might. i told myself once that i would not let myself become this heart loving girl that falls apart when ever someone is nice and makes me feel worth something. so to this oath i try to stay true but in this it sounds not so. my words will confuse most who try to read this so for that I'm sorry. i must sound like i am talking in riddles to u, but to me its perfect sense. i was not meant to feel this love thing that he talks so much about. i was the one that my friends would come to to tell there problems to and i would listen and help, they said they looked to me to be strong for a single person they liked that i didn't care if i had a guy or not. and i didn't then i talked to u and u made me think and that is never good. u could not figure out y i might not have ever had or wanted someone to talk to and trust with everything. u still can't believe that i lasted this long with out having someone to rely on for anything. i rely on myself for that i know will never let me down. i can not heart myself with out me knowing it. I'm not about to go and start roomers about myself. i hate drama but i could not keep this quiet any longer and i hate that i can't. i hate that i feel like i will burst open if stay quiet. i hate to feel open to ppl i hate to let them in for the better they know me the more they can hurt me. that is fact. so the happy face thing works wonders not that I'm saying anyone should follow my lead cause I'm not a good person to follow. but i am too far gone to stop me, so i continue. i am lost i no longer know up from down u r making me feel hope and that is a bod thing and by u i do not mean u as the reader sorry. i mean him. him who is changing me. him who i can't but think about. him that keeps me up at night even if we are miles away. him who says i help him. him who feels so strongly for love. him who i want to say everything to but nothing at the same time. him who is so confusing yet tells me everything he can. him who is nice and caring to everyone. him who i want to pull away from before he knows too much but i can't get myself to at the same time. him who i want to trust and do to a point. him who ... who... i can't say it i know there is something but i dare not say more for there is too much at risk. too much to lose. him who i cant get. who i would wish my only wish for. who i do wish my wish for. i wish all of ur wishes come true and u find that person u have been and still r looking for. i wish for u to fine ur love for them it may exist in some small part that i will never know. but that is my wish not a wast if it helps u. not a waist at all. ok now im done and will change this as soom as i think of something else sorry for the mushy of it i hate this stuff. its pure torture but yet im stuck in it too.
bye readers.