|
|
|
It's been a while since I posted in here. I kinda wished that I could just give up writing in here all of the time, but, I guess I can't. I need some kind of outlet for my mind. sweatdrop ((Wow, that sounded about as deep as a bowl of pudding. stare ))
Anyway, so far, thing shave gone to s**t. I have stopped caring about everyone and everything. I am useless to everyone now. And there is no reason for me to really stick around here if I am no good for anything.
For the past year and several months, I have been having to dela with my step-father's depression over loosing my mother to Cancer. ((Along with various other medical things.)) people have been trying to comfort me and make me feel better, but, I think it has finaly taken it's toll.
Just last night, I had to stay home all day long to help clean up and pack my step-fahter out of the house. We where going over doing this for about three days. In those three days, the idea was changed thirteen times, and my dad disappeared without a trace. He said all he wanted at that time was his cloths and ID.
So, there I was with my friends and my one friend's mother. We where spending a few hours packing everything up. I found so many things that made me loose even more respect for my step-father. ((If where was any left after all of this time.)) One of the things that upsetted me the most was the fact that I found my mother's ashes int he closet, covered in trash amd mistreated, confined t a carboard box and a plastic bag. I decided to keep the ashes for myself and myself only at that point. I mean, I always told my dad to take good care of my mother. That wasn't the case in this situation. I had to find unmentionable things around the house.
A few of the most disturbing things was condoms, porno tapes, and messages from prostitutes that I have found, lying around everywhere in the bedroom. I was discusted at the fact that he started to do this right after my mother has died. And what made it worse, is that he told me that I never even cared about my mother, or the fact that she has died.
I mean, who the ******** does he think he is? I cry nearly every night about her death. I have the burden of not having a mother around for my wedding day, my first chold, when I move out. Just basically when I become an adult. And he has the ******** gull to tell me that I never cared. Everyone that knows me knows better than to say something like that about me, expecially since it was behind my back.
And not only that. I am now alone. I have lost both of my fathers and my mother now. My bio;ogical father was lost to drugs and drinking, my step-fahter to mental issues, and my mother through death.
Now, I am stuck here, my mother's ashes starring me in the face from the horrid cardboard box, and my mother's rings on each finger. And I have no idea what to do anymore. I am so useless! I have nothing left to give or do! It's just better for me to pick up everything and to leave everyone's lives. Everyone would be better off without me anyway.
I mean, come on! I work my ******** a** off and it is never good enough! I work, and work, and work, and what happens? It's not goddamn good enough! I try my best and I still get s**t on in life. I do everything in my goddamn power to help people and to make them happy. But, it is never good enough.
I mean, last night. I nearly sent myself into the hospital, just because I wanted to help out. I mived a goddamn couch thing with barely any help down the stairs! I have been brused, mangled, and hurt so much. All ******** day I had to deal with noise, pain inside and out, and stress until I was ready for someone to just put me out of my misery.
And now what? I am home from school because I am still in a ton of pain. I have alot of work to do for school, but, can I walk properly after all of this, no. Not for a while anyway since someone was just stupid enough to ******** hit me in teh ******** knee with a heavy-assed bag! I had to pop it back in goddamn place before it would ease the pain any!
And then, I had to deal with the ******** couch nearly falling on me on the way down the goddamn stairs! I ended up killing my back and my arms because of that one.
I have been getting betrayed by friends, loosing people I love and care about deeply, having to get hurt over something so moronic that it's not even worth it sometimes. And all for what? Because I am a nice person? Because I care? ******** IT! I shouldn't have to care if life is just going to end up like this. What is the goddamn point anymore!? it's like telling someone that is going to die for sure with extreme pain that it is all worth it and that they are going to live to get better. Well, i doubt that things could get any better. Things only seem to like to get worse for me. No matter how ******** hard I try, things just get worse.
Anyway, I am done for now. There is still alot more ranting and bitching for me. I have turned off the comments because i don't like having to listen to people try and cheer me up all of the goddamn time. stare sweatdrop you should save it for someone that matters. Obviously, I don't anymore.
 quayla666 · Wed Mar 01, 2006 @ 09:41pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
