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12:18am
yep, that's what the clock says, or at least that's what it said when I started typing this.
She didn't call today. Most likely because she was too tired from work and took a shower and passed out as soon as she got home. I hope she at least ate a little something. It kinda worries me when she says she comes home and doesn't eat anything. Hearing her voice is the is always the highlight of my day, but her health and well being is my greater concern.
I'm starting to suspect that she Googled me, stumbled upon Gaia and found this and was kinda creeped out about what I wrote. I hope I'm wrong, but in the event that I'm right and you are reading this right now, I'm sorry for creeping you out, and for basically not heeding your warnings about the whole relationship thing. I know I'm basically setting myself up to be heartbroken(which was possibly what that unexplainable feeling of sadness was about. A empathic premenition of a very heavy heartbreak). Still, I can't help but try and chase that feeling of warmth and joy that comes with my love for you. I'm just hoping you don't feel bad about it. It isn't your fault that I fell in love with you so easily. Its my fault for being too naive and still not listening even after you have already told me about your ex and have tried to push me away so I would stop romatically pursuing you. I'm sorry...
but I must say this: Even though you may not love me the way I love you, I will still never stop loving you and I will never think any less of you for anything you have done or will do. Even if you decide to cut me off all together for still trying to pursue you, I will accept it and still love you. Yes, it kinda did hurt when you told me what your ex said to you and it also hurt when I can feel you thinking about it actually coming true. But still, I do love you. I think the different between your ex and me, other than the obviously HUGH age difference is that he wants to tie you down, while the only thing I want to do is set you free. You don't like the idea of marriage, fine then, we won't get married, but we will still be alright. You don't like the idea of being with the same person for the rest of your life, yet you don't want to just be a swinger, fine then, I'll be there to help you find some middle ground. You might think that I'm too nice (I bet you already do think that), but please remember that I am not anyone's doormat and that if you do try to walk on me, you will fall on your a**...but I will still help you back up. I'm sorry for unloading my feelings on you and possibly putting more on your mind that might cause you even more stress, but I do love you and a love like this never fades, never tarnishes and never dies. I would put this in your little present that I'm pretty sure you have a decent idea of what it is, but I'm pretty sure this would ruin your birthday, knowing that you don't love me like that and that you would probably feel bad because you think you're gonna hurt me. I can take it, believe me, and I can bounce back. I bounced back pretty quickly the first time, even though the feeling wasn't completely gone. But I did bounce back. Damn, this is getting WAY longer than I thought it would. I should probably invest this much time and effort into my book, which is still within the first page. Actually, this might make a pretty good story to add to it
...and the lightbulb comes on...
anyway, on to a subject other than unrequitted love...
I think I'm going to start investing more time into my meditation. It helps keep me balanced and feeling free no matter how the events of the day have played out or how emotionally distrought I feel. It gives me an inner peace that overpowers all negative feelings. As a matter of fact, as soon as I get ready to go to sleep, I'm gonna get into a pretty good meditative state and see where my dreams take me. More meditation equals more prosperity. Let's DO IT!!!
SN that just popped in my head:
"Wakka Flocka FLAME!!!
Wakka Flocka FLAME!!!
Wakka Flocka FLAME!!!
Wakka Flocka FLAME!!!
Wakka Flocka FLAME!!!
Wakka cross the street
Wakka dog on a leash
Wakka Texas Ranger
Luke Sky Wakka
WAKKA!!!WAKKA!!!WAKKA!!!"
rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl
rappers these days...lol!
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