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[removed]emoticon(' crying ')
I know I should be really psyched about college because, well let's face it, everyone is, but I think I'd rather live under a rock. I don't entirely know what I want to do with my life. Well, that's not entirely true, I would like to write books. But when I read about amazing authors, or authors of the types of books I want to write, they all seem to have started out really young and I feel kind of late. Then there's the whole photography thing I kind of trapped myself into. The point is, neither of these aspirations are very promising.

To begin with: Being an author would be amazing. I would love it but there seems to be a lot of problems with this aspiration. First off, all of my ideas seem unoriginal. I can't quite come up with a great idea that wouldn't sound like I was stealing from some other, greater, better known work. I don't want people picking my story apart telling me how much it reminds them of Harry Potter or LOTR. Second, you don't receive any money while you're writing, you only get money when the project is finished and in the meantime I have to find something else. Third, I don't want my story to sound as amateurish as some other books I've read do. I recently read a book from a new writer and I never finished it because it was killing me to read this book. And fourth, the genre I want to write in/about is way too popular. Like the previously mentioned book, too many stories sound generic, like so long as it has elves and forests and magic in it, it can get published. There's just too much of it out there already and hardly any of it is worth looking into anymore.

Photography was a total career choice accident. I always wanted to take photography in highschool but either my guidance counselor was a downright liar or the photography classes were always full by the time I asked for them. I've always really liked photography but was never really taught the dynamics of it and then I see people that are really into it and I see their work and all I can think is whoa, I am never gonna get a job if I'm up against people like that! I know that a lot of factors play into it, like timing, experience, resources etc. but it's really disheartening to see all of these people that basically know what their going to do and knowing that they're going to be good at it.

I was asked the other day if I was going to transfer from community college to a four year college and I told the woman I wasn't sure. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything I want to do seems so unstable. I told her I don't know and this actually shocked my mom, she said I could go and pursue writing, but at what cost? I like American history and everything but I don't think I could stand being a teacher and I seriously doubt that being a historian will make me very happy either.

So, I'm dreading August. I just wish I could go live in a book somewhere and live out my fantasies in happiness. crying crying