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Lately, I've had to deal with questions like the above. I can't explain it. I mean, I'm about to start a new chapter of my life so I should be excited, right? I'm going to attend my first choice college, live where I wanted to live, and already earned more than my brother from graduation gifts to put toward college. I finally have some freedom. I'll be going off into the world, trying new things, having fun, just being me. It's exciting isn't? To be free from pestering family, some with no manners? Exciting to finally make decisions for myself, not depending on someone else to take care of me? Taking my first big step as an adult? Being free from all the prying eyes I've lived under for years? Exciting isn't?
Well, why isn't it? I'm not excited. I was at first and still am a little, but now? i don't know. I've always been the one to have a plan, a purpose, a direction. Now here I am standing where the road divides trying to figure out which is the best path for me. How am I suppose to know if I'm making the right decision? I have conflicting emotions about going away to college, yet I can't stand living at home any longer. I want to get out, but I don't want to leave everything behind. I want to make new friends, grow, and change, but I don't want to lost my old friends in the process. I want to change, but not too much.
I'm not really nervous nor am I really afraid. I don't know what to call it. I've moved before, many times in fact. Yet every time I move, I find when I go back the ones I once knew so well, the ones I was once close to, have changed and from what I've seen, it hasn't been for the better. They say I'm the one that's changed. I'm more mature they say. Responsible, the voice of reason, a mother hen, the rock, the unshakable foundation that is depended on when the rest of the world seems to crumble. The one with advice, knowing the right thing to say, the right way to say it. Knowing a person so well, that just by a simple look, tone, a something said or done, I know what's wrong and have a plan of action, to mend, to heal, to comfort, to just be there. These are the things I've become. My mother says I get too involved and my brother calls me a protective, overbearing b****. That's not what my friends say. They've just told me that I'm a good friend and that they're thankful to have me around.
So how can I say good-bye to them? They were the ones that showed me support when I needed it and the ones that fought with me through whatever the world decided to through at us.
I embark this fall on a new adventure. I'm looking forward to pursuing my education, learning to do something I'm good at and enjoy for a living. I want to go to college and push myself to become better. everyone says that they're there for me, that they will always be there, they won't change, and nothing can change our friendship.
I wish so much that I could believe this. With some of my friends, I know this is true. We'll find a way to fight against the odds to stay together. With others....I know at the time they think it's true and at the time they mean it. Still, I wonder. How true can the words be? After all what is the value of words in the end? I almost feel like words mean nothing without the action to back it up.
All in all, i guess I feel kind of lost. Everything around me is changing and I'm sort of just tossed in among the chaos. I don't know which way is up anymore and I can't seem to get a hold of some of the people i really want to talk to right now.
For now, I guess this helps. It gives me a chance to just vent, let things out, and put my mind at somewhat ease until the next session comes. I'm under so much stress it's not even funny. i wish i knew what to do....but I don't think my answer will come anytime soon.
I'm finally leaving, yet I think I may have fallen head over heals before i even realized what was happening. I can never tell him either. So in leaving, I've let my heart break even more. Love....such a short, simple word. Yet it's far more complex and painful than any other. But hey, it's not easy being the independent woman that has no need for a guy. I can't let myself be consumed by an unrequited love. Instead I just have to push forward and maybe there lies my problem. I dwell on the past, yet force myself to keep going....wow almost sounds worse now that I've put it out there.
Well, I think I've bored people long enough. I'm tired. It's been a long day. Comment if you like, but no one's yanking your hair. I bid farewell and good night to all.
Shuro