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monday, i hate monday. even though it is no longer monday, i still hate them.
Let me start from the beginning.
My school is a uniform school (yeah, i know, sucks, dont it?) and this week is spirit week. and i FORGOT. so on monday i walk to the bus stop, and i'm thinking something's wrong, and it's not just this neon raincoat that my mother made me wear because i was "sick". and i look back, and behind me is this really popular girl at my school, and she's walking up the street in JEANS AND A SPORT T-SHIRT.
Then, of course i realize what i did.
my friend, Amanda, (not real name) drives up with her dad, and she's like "Come on, get in. I'll give you a lift to the bus-stop."
And Amanda's wearing her fishnets and a skirt with her Good Charlotte sweatshirt and black tank top.
I get in the car, and i start to fib. I know, i don't want to tell everyone that i just damn FORGOT spirit week!
she's like "Why are you wearing the uniform?" and i tell her that my parents are stressed out over my brother's surgery, (true) and we haven't been at our greatest (true) and dad hasn't been doing laundry for forever 'cause he's taking greg to the doctor all the time (true), so i had nothing to wear (lie).
Usually i wear a normal shirt underneath the unifoform sweatshirt, but today i had been feeling "feverish" so i just wore a cami. (tank top) and we aren't allowed to wear spagetti-straps at school.
So i think, and as we get out of the car, and i pull off the stupid raincoat, i ask amanda if i could wear her sweatshirt. she just gives me this LOOK, like "what the hell are you thinking, girl?" and says "No."
"But, amanda, i really need the sweatshirt! please?" I try again
"No, this is my Good Charlotte sweatshirt."
I just stare at her for a few seconds. in my head, i'm screaming b***h!
"Come on!"
"No, this is my GOOD CHARLOTTE sweatshirt."
i am a friend in need, i felt like yelling at her, i don't care if it's you beaten gold sweatshirt! i need help!
The bus comes then, and i get on.
My bus is way overcrowed. we have to sit three to a seat sometimes, and that is hardly comfortable. the third person on the seat hardly gets butt room. so, of course, all of the bus is filled up except for the seats in the back, where all the really popular teens sit.
So i have to walk all the way back, and my shoulder-bag almost gets caught between the seats like it always does and i almost fall flat on my face. i make it to the back and ask to sit with this one girl listening to her headphones.
I can see all the people turning around and staring at me, then turning back and whispering to everyone. i know that wearing a uniform on a day when we dont have to is a major geek alert. only geeks and freaks wear their uniforms all the time.
So i sit down, and my friend Ada sits across from me, and she asks whats happening. a really popular, ditzy girl turns around to listen and also my friend's older sister. i almost start crying right then, i know it's stupid. i'm ashamed.
The only thing that kept me from crying was that i kept thinking over and over "don't cry now when you are surrounded by people you dont even know. cry when you get to class and your friends are all around you."
Even then, my eyes were stinging and my throat was tight.
i made it into school, and walk into the classroom, and a girl i know turns around and does a double-take. "What's up?" She asked. "Why're you wearing the uniform?"
I loose it.
I started to take a deep breath to explain, and then i just choke up. the tears start to pour out. i can hear people around me.
"What's wrong?"
"i don't know, she just froze!"
"You okay?"
Then of course, my teacher comes in. she takes one look at all the people who've formed a little mob around me and orders them all out of the class. she get's my other homeroom teacher and they sit down on the desks next to me.
"What's wrong?" My language arts teacher, Mrs. Long, asks.
I can hardly speak, it takes me a few tries. mrs. long gets me a kleenex and i start.
"My brother's having a surgery next week." I tell her tearfully, pressing the unused tissue to my face. i can't believe i am breaking down like this. i can see a group of boys walk in the door from the corner of my eye, and i feel all cold. i am, in my own eyes, a tomboy, and to see all my friends who are guys watch me cry my eyes out is horrifying.
I tell them everything, all the stress in my family, and how he wants me to be in the hospital with him overnight. and how i hate hospitals, because they remind me of being helpless and retarded.
I stop crying finally, and i'm late to my 1st period. they tell me i can skip school on the day of the surgery, and i can take some other days off too if my parents are okay with it. they tell me that i can write whenever i want in class, even when they're talking, and they tell me that everythings going to be fine. i KNOW everything's going to be fine, but it's just a little bit deep inside that is terrified.
I HATE hospitals, i HATE surgeries. the only way i will get near a hospital is if my brother needs me. i am afraid of hospitals too, i hate their smell, and their white, uniformed people striding around, covering their faces.
I am happy to report though, that i found someone NICE to lend me their sweatshirt, and i made it through the day fine. but i keep remembering all the people staring at me as i cried, and i think that i'll be seen as a wimp from now on because they might think i was crying because i was wearing a uniform.
okay, yes that was part of it. but you would cry too if everyone was staring at you all day, and everyone was thinking how mucu of a retard you were.
Tuesday, today, was good. it was "twin day". no major breakdowns today. even though i havent turned in a completed piece of homework for a week.
Oh well. one problem at a time.
 Kantessa · Wed Nov 17, 2004 @ 01:38am · 0 Comments |
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