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This has been a really hard week.

To say the least.

I mean, seriously. I hate people. I hate money. I hate crying. I expecially hate crying in front of people.

Well, okay, here it goes:

Sunday night, Scott had a horrid night. His family got into a momentus fight, I was scared. I wanted him here, at my house, where I could hug him and hold him and tell him it would all be alright and make sure he was safe. But he couldn't come over 'til tuesday night. I was having a panic attack. For the rest of the week, I've been working in over-drive on school work. You see, next week is finals, and this week was supposed to be dead week; no homework, no tests. Just review and study time for semester exams. But, my AP and PreAP teachers decided to be cruel, and I got a ton of homework. My reviews BECAME homework. Only my English II teacher decided to do right. Plus, mom and I have been struggling more than ever with financial crap. We made chicken n' dumplings the way Grampa Verbon used to, the way he taught dad, the way dad taught me. It's lasted until today. We made it wednesday, because that was all we had money for. I've had a lot of after school stuff to do, like Talent Show rehearsals and whatnot.

Well, you see, Wednesday I went to Lock's after school and helped Julia put up the Christmas decorations. Then she bought me soup. It was cool. And fun. But on Thursday, when mom and I were getting ready to leave, the car decided to die. We bummed a ride home from one of her coworkers. We now no longer have a car, and by the looks of it, won't be for a while. Plus, we don't have money to rent one. We bummed a ride into town Friday and mom got one home by the same coworker. The talentshow on Friday sucked. Scott did horrible and Justin will never play drums for me. I couldn't hear myself, so I had no idea if I was singing the right notes. I could only hope that I had sang the song enough that I memorized it physically. I was later told I did fine.

Just getting on stage for that was hard, because that morning, I'd started crying, and had been inable to stop. But, apparently, I made a 93 on the test I did when I came back. It was a miracle.

Saturday, I'd gotten into an arguement with mom, and things had gotten so bad that, when I left, she barely said goodbye. At the band hall, I was mostly just angry, but then I started crying again. Really hard. And I couldn't spend any time with Scott outside of the parade Saturday.

Well, while Scott was having his hard time all week, he attacked me. I had just been trying to comfort him. Same goes for mom. I just wanted to be something the two of them could rely on, but they just attacked and yelled at me and pushed me away and acted like I was one of the people ruining their lives. Saturday, I talked to mom about crying friday, and she'd gone on this thing 'oh, blah blah blah I'm a horrible mother, I hate myself, I'm sorry, I wish you had a better home, blah blah blah'. She'd been like that all Saturday. I said she wasn't a bad mother when she didn't make me feel like a schmuk for coming to her, to come talk to her, and that I hated when she put me through that unnecessary guilt trip. She got mad at me, and left to her room. At the bandhall, I felt everything come down on me. I wanted to just sit in the bathroom the rest of the night, and not go home. I wanted to go away with Scott, but I had no choice. After the parade, Scott made me feel better. He gave me a piggy-back while dancing and bought me icecream. Mom had put up the tree as an apology, but then went against her apology by saying 'i'm depressed and still feel bad but whatever, have fun." It was pointless, but I had fun decorating. At the moment, I decided to get this stress off my mind while taking a break from my play.

I feel better now, but I still feel like crying.