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Its little wonder as to why my emotions have escaped me, why they no longer live here. They've become nothing but a hold back for too long. I'm sure they'll return to me on the 'morrow, but today just let them be free.
I've had nothing but excitements, stresses and melt downs to power me through the past few days. Even anger has done it for me, but as the day wanes, nothing but drifting sleep greets me, not even the will to speak as I should to my love.
My grades had fallen, brinking on endangerment slowly until finally my hard, tortured work finally came to fruitation. They'd pulled to bests. Work had created illness, endangering my life in shadows of breath. I turned to a new work, only to find my hours and pay drop drastically. College was endangered, my future on hold as it still is now.
Each new activity taking time. Tutor of children with new understanding and admiration, the difference in the life of the environment with a small morning club. My only well known language of spanish making its course again in my activities. My love of manga put on hold until this final week when finally I can do so again. Family, consumers, community all brought to one club, but no activities to show for it for some time. Deca of marketing, business a steady, monthly thing for my time to be wasted on that could make a difference. Why do it all? Enjoyment, time fullfillment so that a crime will remain unaccomplished so that I may not spend my life in a cage away from my one true family.
Paper after paper, research and resolutions, arithmatic after lunar numbers swirling in mind. What of time for others? Time for friends and mate? I have school for friends, they not need more of my time I suppose. Or is it brinking on nonsocial? Singing freely or within concerts that only have a month before their appearance amongst hundreds of onlookers.
A new predicament, a home that I can finally see within the future, one less worry but still another worry. What of the family I promised? Can I actually promise this which I do not know is ready to be conceived? No answer I suppose. Unsurity but promises. What of work? My new job will only last so long, then I must find another to replace. Money for new things, computer for schooling that I may never recieve? Clothes? Calls from schools I want nothing to do with as my parents recieve calls from collecters, bills piled higher and higher as health is on the brink of destruction.
Family falling slowly apart, morels truly tested as hatred rises to a steady heat. Memories clouding the mind, the past shrouding rational thoughts until nothing is saved but pure, raw, unwanted emotion. Emotion that had thankfully escaped me. Nothing to feel means nothing to hate and fear.