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Today I was Abandoned
Memories of My Dreams
[This dream is confusing and too painful for me to bear. This dream is a memory that keeps playing over and over and continuing inside my head.]
Today is the day we forget what is really important in life. We forget about love. We forget about passion and what makes us so unique. I cry sometimes over things that frustrate me and confuse me. I’m awful saddened by those hateful words they use towards me. They never leave me alone. They keep torturing and killing me inside and out. I cannot feel their heart, because I am darkened inside. I am broken and silenced from the words they use. My eyes they burn. The way salt mixed with water burns your throat. I may seem hopeless and different from most. But I am only human. One person, one mind. I am what the human eye sees. But there is another part of me that lies within. Deep inside my heart, I am pleading to break out. I cry for freedom every night in my sleep. But I get no results. I fall in love but most of the time they don’t love me back. They reject me. They refuse to look at me, at my face. I thought I made people happy when I treated them like an equal, like a friend. Someone who could be forgiven when I have made a mistake. Why my love has been turned away I do not know.
I fear for this moment. My heart has turned black. Just like if I were to be standing in an icy cold river. This turns my blood blue and my skin purple. Dark and sweaty I lay. Thinking of why they hide from me. When it is them is disapprove of me. Not I who disapproves of them. They are like I. I am a burden to the human race. I feel sad and I am teary eyed. My bones are tired. I am tired and weary. That cannot be helped. I am tired of fighting with them. Can’t you see what pain you people put me through? You don’t understand me. You do not know me. I hide from you because you hurt and scare me. You fear me, just as much as I fear you. It’s hard for me to trust someone so easily. Especially teachers. They don’t understand why I say the things I say. They must think I’m stupid, and not mature enough. But they are wrong and so are the rest of you who turn me away. I am not the beast you are. You should be the ones I fear most in which I do. Your faces sometimes deformed. There’s nothing I can do but then to look and feel different from them.
When I look around me I see shadows of the past. What I looked like and what I was. Now I am still somewhat the same. I feel lonely most days, even when my friends are right there with me. Talking and sharing their own thoughts with me instead of the outsiders. But sometimes I do not quite hear what they are saying most days. It’s like I’m drifting off into another dimension. My fears have overgrown me. I can no longer control them. My happiness has grown quiet, it has withered away. Like a flower, when winter is approaching it withers up and dies. I am afraid that I will end up like that to. Is there anyone out there who can free me from this terror I face? Can anyone out there hear me as I breathe? I take deep breaths, because soon I know I won’t be able to do it much longer. I fear that this is only the beginning of my terror. Why must it come to me now? I say to myself, “I fear that my family don’t really care or love me.” They make me suffer the pain I do not deserve. This is something I will never forgive them for. The torture is too much for me to bear. I cannot handle the pain; it burns deep inside of me. My heart may be so big, and filled with love that I try to share with them. Even though they turn me away, I still love them with all my heart. I feel rejected and torn. My poetry and my words seem to mean nothing to them. They do not care about me or my feelings. I am like a ragged doll that’s still waiting to be played with. I’m up on that shelve hoping some little girl with come and take me down and play with me. I am so alone on this shelve. It has grown so dark and lonely up here. Won’t you please come and take me down? Now you see me. This is what I feel. I feel like a doll. A stupid doll who cannot talk because her mouth is sowed shut. Deepened by its cut, it shall never be free. I am scared now. I just lost my trail of thoughts. I was brought out of my story and had to have a conference with one of my teachers who I have somewhat troubled. Because of the words I have spoken. I have disrespected him in some way. See what I mean when I say they don’t understand why I say what I say? Do not underestimate me. I am what I am. You may see me happy and cheerful on the outside, but on the inside I am the complete opposite. I may be cut-clean. I am not ordinary. I am different from you and your people. There used to be more like me. But most of them have died out on our original planet, Cry Tears Alafia, which exists in my dreams. The others who were my people disappeared long before I was born. I call out to my real home, but they do not answer. They must really be all gone. They have left me and sent me to this planet. Were they trying to hurt me, my feelings? No, they were trying to protect me by sending my life source to this faraway land they call earth.
This place, this world disgusts me. The people here don’t make sense. They laugh at me when I’m not doing anything wrong. Nothing here seems to be out of order. Then why, why do you constantly laugh at me? You stupid arrogant people. You need help. You need love. Why hide me when I can help you. I wish to share my love with your people. I’m sorry for your sacrifices that you had to make for me to live. I’m sorry that I am a burden on your door step. It is not I who is the problem, it is you. You made me like this. The pain burns every time you look at me with your eyes. You make my heart darker than it was before hand. The darker it gets, the more I fade. Into the darkness that never ends for the forgotten. I’m scared here. There is no light. I cannot feel the beat of my heart anymore. I am disappearing. Help me!? Somebody, Anybody!?
Open me up and tell me what you see. Do you see red or black? Do I seem any different to you, than I have before? The music to my ears. Your voices echo in the distance. I can still hear your anger ringing in my ears. It burns to hear, to breathe, and to look at you and your people. Of what you have done to me so far. To this point all I wish to do, to be, is free. To fly with the angels to heaven. Where my true home is. My home where my true creator lives. My father. I miss him so. Even though they say he’s always with me, I always feel alone and separated from my friends and my family. I wish to be there with all my loved ones that care and love me so much. I wish I could be joined with God himself. I love him so much, that it has driven me to tears so many times. It makes me burn inside to know that others do not believe in this forsaken god and world. But it is theirs, not mine. I don’t belong here. You are not mine. The family I was put in is not mine. The one I love is not mine. Nothing is truly mine. I have tried so hard to earn this privilege. But no matter what I do, I never get it. I do not understand why I must be turned away from them. They look just like me but they are all different on the inside. It’s so simple even an animal could understand how I feel. An animal! This simple creature could understand me better than you could. Look what you have done now. You have brought me to tears… it burns my eyes. My eyes have gone red. They sting with pleasure knowing its torturing me. It knows what hurts me. Stings like a bee when it plants its stinger in my skin. Hard to get out, of this despair I live in.
The darkness is fading. What is this, this strange light I see? This opening that has never been here before is saddening appearing before me. It’s a light that I have never seen before. Is this heaven? Is God coming down to save my poor soul? A miracle is bound to happen to me. But this is not God. It is a door to the outside where the others are. The people who all once like me are waiting. Waiting for me to walk forward and grab a hold of their hands. To take me out of this retched place I call hell. The demon inside who speaks to me often has died down. His voice is fading away from my heart and my head. No more demons shall bother me. They are finally all gone. All thanks to them. The people who are finally willing to accept me. Even though I am different, I am still a human bean with the power to change the world. I can do anything I want as long as I believe in it. I see many faces as I take my last step out of the darkness in which I have lived in for the last 15 years. These faces have brought joys to my heart. Their ways are filled with so much happiness; it sometimes hurts just to look at them. Because they were the ones who made me hide me away. They were the ones who turned me away, and left me there to die. But in way I am happy just to get out of that place that I have been in for some long. The light, the sun that shines on my cheeks gives me the warmth that I needed to live on. To start a better life than what I have lived for, for 15 years. To this day I have been discarded from the others. Now I am finally out in the real world, and I am finally able to spread my wings.
Light
Now as I awake in the light, the sun warms my cheeks. Fills in the pale places. It feels so good against my skin. It calms my mind and my soul. I feel so loved right now. The sun is rising just for me. For the first time in my life I feel alive. I feel welcome to this place I was placed on. I am so filled with love that my heart has finally gone back to normal. From black to red again. I am free from that darkness I once lived in. my life has finally turned around and I have regained my rightful place of living down here on Earth. I feel energized and wealthy. Better than I’ve ever felt before. This strange light has given me the strength I have needn’t to move on with my life. I finally have the time to do what I want to do. I am free. I have my freewill back. My life is just as it was in my dreams. I have turned my life around and started a new. As I sit up from my bed I turn to my side to see what is smiling at me. It was only my mirror. Silly me. I’m smiling at myself. It shines, my smile, I have never seen such a beautiful thing in my life other than the beginning of a newborn. The beginning of a new life, my own. Now that I am free I can love someone. And cherish my youth while I still can. By using my youth I can help inspire others about the world. Breaking the curses that surround them. So that they too can join me in my freedom. I will not allow you people to lose yourself like I did for 15 years. I will help you live your life the way you’re supposed to. The way you want to. I will not let the darkness get a hold of you. You are my people now. The Lights and mine. The darkness has nothing you need to survive in this life. I want to believe what you say, but I need your help to understand. To understand you and your world better, so I can become more like you. I wish to live among you and your people. I am free and wish to fly, so shall I try? To defeat gravity, and jump off the nearest building to be free? Shall I try to become something almost greater than the greater God, Jesus Christ our lord? Can I soar through the skies with my friends, the birds, and live my life long and wide? With them I can learn to fly and except who I am. And not be afraid of you and your people.
And I shall fly so high in the blue sky. I will become one with you and the world. I shall achieve this goal I have made. When in the darkness, I felt as if my time was we short. Shortening by each moment I laid there in the darkness, knowing I would never escape from this torment I must live in. Why I must listen to this music that means nothing. This music has driven me out of my mind. Listen can you hear the sound that I hear? The love and the devotion this person or these people have put to build this work of art. The love they put into it, fills me with grace and sometimes grief. Why I begin to tremble, I do not know. I cannot explain the joy I am having. I feel overwhelmed with fear. But I do not know why. Why must I cry with tears of salt when I am sad? Why must I cry at all? Why was I created this way? Can anyone help me?
I am in the light, but still have some troubles with dealing with my heart. I fall in love when I shouldn’t be. Always falling for the wrong one. I can’t hold my feelings and emotions in like you people can. I can’t live my life without sharing my emotions with others. It’s only fair if everyone is loved the same. When I laugh I know they enjoy seeing my smile once again. It makes me happy to see them happy. I can’t believe that I have made it this far. In this world all I can say is I love you all. Never forget what we are made of. What makes us, well us. I am only breathing. My love is too strong. My heart is bound to break. My love, I wish I could make you understand why I must leave. I am cursed that’s all I can say. You may not understand now but soon you shall learn to accept the fact that there can never be a you and I. we are too different from each other. I am cursed and you are Free to roam the Earth the way you wish it. I do not get to decide what love I get. The sadness in it all, breaking me little by little. The pieces are lost. I cannot find the pieces of my heart that I am missing. The pieces of my soul are breaking into smaller bits of ash. The pieces I so wish to find and put back together again. To be whole again.
I see the pain you hold inside you. This I know, because I was once like you too. I feel the pain you feel. I felt what you felt when they left you. Why they died I cannot know. I cannot tell you why they died or how. For that is in his hands now. Today was the day he decided to give you another chance to live your life another way. Other than the life you have chosen at first, but now you can turn your life around. Instead of living this fantasy, you can live your life. And realize the truth. Know why you lived. Instead of dying with them, God chose yet another fate for you. You have lost your parents and now all you do is sit and grief. You feel not the pain when you are cut, only the pain of the loved ones which were torn from your heart, will burn you deep. Like a slash from a sword. The blood that pours from your body is soaking your clothes. Why must you life change now? When you were so happy before? Why has god come and ruined your life. Our lives are in God’s hand. As of now, if he wanted us dead he could wipe out the whole human race. Don’t be so sad, things will clear up you’ll see. So be happy. This is one thing that can be made into something special. Flowers will bloom in the spring, and in the fall the leaves will be made into piles. In the winter there will be snow angels, and Christmas and in the summer there will be memories of you and me, at the beach and at the summer home in Italy. Soon we shall travel from state to state.
The Main Memory
My dreams have confused me. I thought they were real. When I remember them I can feel the pain I felt at that moment, the sadness felt all so real. I can feel what those people thought of me. I was a monster. To them I use to mean nothing. I was an animal, I was the prey, and they were my killers. But they could not reach me. So instead they locked me away into the darkness of the forgotten, the place where the devil himself lives to destroy other people like me. But after 15 years of doing hard work, and living by myself with no other human bean, the door to my freedom was opened. And I saw many hands. It was a new time, the year when everyone was accepted and treated the same. They told me they loved me. And wanted me to be their child. I asked myself “Could I really trust them again?” When it was their people who put me here in the first place. I was scared and I felt alone. And empty, but when that light poured in I felt the warmth I haven’t felt in such a long time. I felt loved.
Inside
Inside I am so new now. I am so happy. My heart is bound to burst. No more tears shall fall from my eyes. The sun has finally a rose from behind the clouds. Behind it all I did cry. I was little and very fragile. But soon good things appeared in my life. My heart was a bud that would not open but now it is beginning to bloom. The flower may die in the winter but its new bud will shine in spring.
The Hell I Felt
Inside I used to feel so sad and so alone. But now I can breathe, the sudden changes fear me. I am to fear and be all alone. What must I do to get or to be loved? There is only one, thing I can do. I see the future. Sometimes my past and I can’t believe I’m still alive. By seeing what he has done to me, I can do nothing but cry. By seeing the sudden tears flow from my eyes, it brings me nothing but fear and sudden blackness to my heart. My eyes have grown red from all the crying. My throat is sore and I am silenced. I cannot speak of what I know, for I shall be punished severely if I do. The bruises and scars on my body still burn with pleasure knowing it is succeeding in torturing my soul, body and mind. My head is pounding, for this I don’t know.
Darkness in Fire
Tired of losing to the evils of hell, the demon himself is always consumed with anger and hatred. The fire that burns him, hear his screams of displeasure. Sentenced to a firing hell for 500 years. To never grow, but to still feel the pain as if dying or the growth of the old. As I watch him walk towards me with a chain in his hands, swinging it around in his hands. In force the chain is wrapped around my neck. I can barely breathe, I can barely see clearly. I try to hit and kick him, but no matter how I try to cause him pain it wouldn’t matter because he doesn’t feel the pain. Only I can hear his devilish voice. I too become consumed in his anger. Despite the fact that I was good. Now I cannot speak of the torment and pain that I had to receive. My screams have grown quiet. It has grown dark, it seems as though I have died. But I shouldn’t be able to think if that were so. I am still breathing, but the heat is deafening. There’s a raspy voice echoing in my ear. I’m not sure who it is. Other than the one who brought me to this retched place. It’s leaving a stench to my clothes. I have not the time to open my eyes and in so they burn when I try. I cannot handle this sort of pain. My mind is empty, someone has stolen my thoughts. But I still have my emotions. My thoughts are no longer with me. I cannot think for myself. I am scared and alone. It is sad in here.
Now that I have awaken, to have found myself sweaty and my eyes filled with tears, it was all a dream. But it all felt so real, the heat and his voice. That devilish voice, I could not stand its voice. But now I lay awake, and I could have swore I heard it call out my name. But soon everything grew quiet and I could hear nothing. No longer for a week I heard sad songs that no one else could hear. I saw people walking towards me, looking, and starring right at me. Asking for help and that’s all I could hear. I could see other people who I loved but I could not hear them. I heard nothing but silence from the ones I knew was real. I feel so weird and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. The pain sears through me like a knives. I have been through so much pain and despair. The fact that I act like I don’t care is false, because the truth shall never be known. You never know what the person is truly feeling just by looking at them. You have no idea what troubles run through their minds.
Through Her Mind
Through her mind, she feels so alone in her shell. There’s no one there to comfort her when she is upset and you see it in her eyes, because they are filled with plenty of water. Which are her tears, which burn and sting her eyes. All she can do is sit on that piece of Earth and cry to herself until she has formed a river made from her tears. This soon almost completely drowns her. This is sad because she is still so young and so beautiful but is willing to throw her life away because of her emotions. She could kill herself and not even notice that she is dying. Because she is numb and feels no pain. So if you p***k her with a needle it will bleed, but she will not feel but only see the red drip off her finger. Outside you would always see her laughing and smiling but on the inside she was black, her heart was covered in thorns and it pained her deeply. But now the sun shall never shine for her, because now she has ruined even yet another love of her life, and now she has grown more thorns. Her dream is surely impossible like her life title says. Inside she wishes to be free from all the violence that is played on the outside. She wishes to be safe, and freed from the others that haunt me. She is taunted by their faces. Which are hideously de-formed. The thought scares her in which she must cry, and she tries not to but it is so difficult not to. It is so hard not to feel anything she wishes to feel. Like the touch of a flower, or a babies skin. It only makes her heart darker than it ever was before. Each day she is happy on the outside but on the inside her heart has been growing darker. Millions of thorns have grown on her heart. It is so sad to see that a part of her is missing. She can’t do much but then to tell you “I’m sorry for causing you so much pain, on asking for my freedom. You have my key to freedom, without it I shall never be free to do as I wish”. It’s very cold where she lives. She can barely breathe all she wants is for someone to kiss her softly, to hold her till she finishes crying, and to love her until she can breathe no longer. If she cannot get the key then she would rather die, because that is the only other door to her freedom. In heaven she shall meet our god. And live him forever. Her soul will finally rest in peace. She will be happy, and never again shall there be a tear on her face. Because she will be with god and with god we will live on like there’s no tomorrow. Her heaven will be different. It will rain everyday when it grows dark, and when there is light she will play with the lions and their cubs, and be a part of their family and share their freedom. Death is the only other way for her to be happy and for me to stop crying over them. The ones that pretend to love her, but in return the get a funeral from her. So now this is the last thing she wishes to say to all of you, “….As I take my last breath, all I can say is I did love you and your people but now I must part from this place I once called home, Goodbye”.
Her Past
When it’s dark I can hear him, his screams from afar. I hear him nearer; he is waiting for love to find him now. I can look no farther. I cannot look anymore. I am tired and afraid of the things I could do. What is left but to hide from all the words that they throw at him. He is lost just like I was once upon a time. I cannot find him. He is gone and I do not know when he shall return for me. He’s in the darkness now. I cannot hide from him. I am weak but I heart is strong. He has been beaten and scarred. By the ones he thought once loved him. But he never knew that I loved him. Yes, I loved him so. But he ran from me, thinking I was just like them. Wanting to hurt him, so I ran away too. For the hope I would find him again. I would grow too soon. I would die on my own. I can’t help but to feel so different inside. I feel so alone. I heard no more screams, no more laughter of their voices. One day I returned, to find my home on fire. I know he has come back. But now he is gone. Today I have cried, and yesterday until they were Bloodshot and puffy. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was blinded by his lies. I trusted him. And he betrayed me. I’m being sucked in by the shadows again. He hurt me. It feels as though he stabbed me over and over again. So much blood is pouring from my body. I feel so weak right now; my body is bound to break. I thought Chris and I would last forever, instead all I did was lie to myself. And all I gave myself was grief. Everyone pitied me and treated me like a child. I couldn’t do much but cry for my loss. Inside I have no family, no friends, and no hope. Only sadness filled with tears, grief, to never be loved. All I want is for my love to come back to me. Being filled without love is like not living at all. I might as well just leave this place now. If I died now this world would be in a way better place than it is now. The only reason my village caught on fire is because of me. I am the demon, the monster, that’s what people see. But now they see nothing because they are dead. I just stand there and stare at it; tears start to trickle down my cheek. I cannot do anything. As I fall to my knees, more thoughts and many emotions flow through my head. But there not mine, I hear people screaming, screaming for help, screaming my name. My heart begins to beat faster than usual. I clutch at my heart, it hurts. Am I dying too?! It is not my time says a voice inside my head. This is not my time. I stand up, breathing hard; I stand straight and run straight into the fire. I just kept on running and running past screaming houses, and I could hear a cry close by, she was not in the fire. She was a little girl. When I tried to touch her face to calm her down, my hand went right through. I quickly snatched my hand back. This seemed to take for hours. All she did was stare up at me with her blinded green eyes. Which were similar to mine. I tried to find out who she was, but she wouldn’t answer me, all she did was cry and cry for her mother. I saw another figure near her under a burning table. It was mother, my mother. What was this? Was this a memory of mine? Something’s getting in the way; something’s just about to break. My heart begins to hurt again and I fall to my knees. The girl screamed my mother’s name, but it was too late, my mother was already long gone. I watch the girl run the other way, I yelled for her to come back, but she didn’t answer. Suddenly the image, the girl disappeared from my view. She was gone. I stood up and ran after her past the burning buildings. Many thoughts raced through my head. What is this feeling I’m having? Who was that little girl? Why was she calling out for my mother?! I screamed as I ran, and found tears flowing from my face. I began to get angry and very scared at the same time. I cannot find the girl who called out to her. Something that was not hers, but what was mine. I wish to damage her, for stealing my mom away from me. I wish to yell at God for killing her and making me run every time something so close to me dies when it is not my fault. Why do I let my emotions win? I let them run ahead of me and I lose control of everything. I just kept running until I got surrounded by trees, and it began to grow dark. I could still hear their distant screams, but I could not see them, nor could I see the fire. Soon things grew quiet, I couldn’t hear anything. I was consumed by darkness. And I am lost again. I did not find that little girl again…
He Left Me
Last night was hard, I kept waking up. Tossing and turning. In my dream I was running away and I heard that little girl again and I found her crying inside my home for her mother again. I screamed at her but she didn’t seem to hear me. I started crying out for my mother too. Mom!!!! But she didn’t budge, then instead of the little girl running I replace her and I was running crying, my eyes were sore from the tears. I kept running and running until I fell. I woke up crying this morning with my face soaked with my tears. I didn’t understand why I saw this again. I was angry that she died. But I did realize, or I did find out who that girl was. She was me… that’s why she was screaming to something that was mine. I just wanted to scream, and throw myself away. I just wanted to open my window and climb out, onto the top of my roof. And yell out to the world. Yell at it. I hate it. I hate my life. I’m so sick of this nature I must live in. I am sick and tired of having to bring myself out of my stature every day. I noticed something else missing from my life that day. He doesn’t appear in my dreams anymore. He was my best friend for 15 years. Ever since we were born, we’ve always been able to share the same dreams. We found each other. We were made for each other. But something was wrong and I wanted to find out. I tried to close my mind for the last remainder of the time I had. I tried to find him as I dozed off. I couldn’t see anything except for a strange light in the middle of the darkness. There was a little boy crying, calling my name. Suddenly I was there walking towards him. He couldn’t move from under the light. He said he was trapped. I tried to calm him, then he disappeared and another light appeared across from this one I walked into it and found him again only older, he smiled at me and gave me a flower than ran off. Again another light shown across from this one, and I saw him. I saw him. He was just standing there. I was halfway over there. But I was stuck. I couldn’t move anymore. He was motioning for me to come forward but I couldn’t. All I did was stand there and I cried. I knew something was terribly wrong. Instead he walked towards me with the light following right behind him. And he reached his hand towards me, I flinched, but he touched my face. His hand was soft and so clear. He pulled me closer and hugged me and told me not to worry. He said I’m so sorry over and over again. I didn’t understand. I was suddenly jerked from my dream and we were pulled away from each other. I left being awoken my step mother yelling at me to go outside. I was left confused and angry and scared all at once. I acted like nothing was wrong. But I wanted to know what happened to him. Why was he acting so strange? What did he mean by saying he was sorry to me, saying it over and over again? I tried to shake it off and think about something else to calm my nerves. I read and typed and read and worked on my school work. It worked for a little while, but soon I thought about it again. I closed my eyes when I got home, and I seemed to have dozed off. I saw darkness again and there he was again waiting for me to walk up to him. I walked halfway again and he walked the rest and grabbed my waist quickly, and hugged me. Telling me he’s sorry over and over again. What was I to do? All I could do was cry. I finally figured what was wrong… He was gone. I cried and cried which seemed to go on for hours. He held me the whole time and told me to not be afraid of letting him go. He told me he loved me and that he always has. I told him I loved him too. Even though, we were apart, we always had each other in our dreams in which we shared. All I have left to say is that even more thorns than before have grown on my heart. I’m going to miss him. He’s dying and there’s nothing I can do for him. I have no idea where he has gone. Why has god come to take him away from me too?! I love him so much; he is and was my only first true love. I’m going to miss him. He’s dying, which for me feels like he’s already dead. I don’t wish to know what will happen after he’s gone. It makes me want to cry. When I was with him I felt so calm and so safe. I felt no tears and no pain only his love. But now that he is leaving me, where will I go for safety? Who’s going to say I love you to me every night in my dreams? I will be alone. For the first time inside I will be all alone. And I will cry like there’s no tomorrow. I will only end up throwing my life away. I’m so scared to think of the lies. What will become of me? Will I die to from a broken heart? What will I be like in the future? Soon when I die, will I live with him in the heavens? All I know now is that I will miss you. Your comfort when I cried. The safety you gave to me. Your love and your friendship. Thank you for sharing your dreams with me and staying with me through my thoughts. Our love and friendship has been so strong throughout the years. I hope things go ok with you. I’ll never forget you!!!
To be honest, it’s exhausting working with him. He is a lot like the others, but also to some degree it’s like he’s giving off some light that I don’t have. It’s so bright…I feel like I’m being extinguished. No…I can’t run away now. I can’t give in to the voice of my other self that whispers in my ear. Not the one that left me but another. It’s so frustrating just to be around him. But when we get really close all I want to do is wrap my arms around his neck and his arms around my waist. As soon as I compare myself to others I start giving in to my feelings of inferiority. That’s right…That’s what the voice whispers in my ear. As soon as things get tough…I want to give in to that voice. The biggest problem child is me. For the evil is that part of myself. The enemy that I should always be fighting is always inside me. I thought this to myself for a while. He told me I was lucky. But how? How am I lucky? And who is that person who said the same things at me? I don’t get it. The way he mumbled it without any pretense sort of made me want to cry. It took everything I had to hold back my tears. But then I knew that even if we fight there will always be something we understand about each other. Being around him might not be such a bad thing after all or at least I’m starting to think that. Now that I notice it…why does my heart hurt so much, like its being torn apart? Is it because of my outrageous wish is do disheartening? Is it because I know some wishes don’t come true? I wish…I wish…Something else is bothering me…He hurt me…That wasn’t the first time he said that to me but I felt like I was being torn apart. Just like I did then. I wonder if someday I’ll be pushed away too. Everything is such a mystery to me. Because of just a single sentence I get shaken or I get happy. All I can say now is thank you. Thank you. Somehow I think I’ve found some understanding whether through chance or my own deceitfulness, you standing there so quietly smiling at me…I treasure that even now. Even as the years go by, you smile should be cherished through my mind for the generations to come, your smile will be a memory that last forever. Just looking at you fills me with joy; you looked so innocent in the powdered blue tux, with the wet kitten in your arms. You looked so peaceful sitting there all alone and efficient. My love for you is too strong. When you’re close to me I shiver. There was a time when I was upset and I wanted to run into his arms. I hate the fact that I’m scared that’s why I didn’t want to get near him. This guy is that kind of person. The kind of person who makes me feel this way. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run to him and fall on his lap. To pour out my heart to him, like a child who goes back crying to her mother. I want to share with him all of the weakness in my overly weak self. And I feel like he would let me. Like he would accept me. It’s too much. Such a person…I feel sorry for him. Kind people are easy to cling to. They’re sought out and taken advantage of, by people like me. That’s why I won’t get involved. I can do it on my own. I will keep running away on my own. I don’t have to be understood. I don’t care if people hate me. If I’m alone…I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry, but…I’m sorry. I’m going to cling to you. I’m so powerless on my own. I’m so weak. I’m really sorry, but I don’t know what to do anymore! I just don’t know. I can’t do anything on my own, by myself. Being by yourself is scary. Being alone is a frightening way to live. I feel as though I can’t stand up on my own…by my own power. “The sunrise I saw that day quietly spread its light over the land. But there was another light that lit up places that the eye cannot see.
Seeing You
I am wide awake now, listening to the birds sing. My kitten is still stirring. I walked over to my window, to see the sun rising from behind the grayish-white clouds. Looking at the grass which is covered is dew from the start of the early morning; I see little animals scurrying across the front lawn. The sky is so beautiful today. This seems to fill my eyes with tears; in which I am not really sure why. It is morning, and the sun is shining through my window saying hello to me. And so are the clouds that are now leaving the sun. The warmth from the sun is warming my cheeks to a rosy red. My hands are cold so I pressed them against the window seal and let the sun warm them. With a loud thump; I stuttered and fell to the floor. My knees ached with pain from the fall. I grabbed hold of my bed to help me stand. A shadow from outside my window filled my entire room; blocking the sun from my view. There was boy outside; just standing there staring at something. I wasn’t sure what it was. He suddenly jerked his head around as if he heard my thoughts; and stared right at me with a strange expression on his face. I could do nothing but then to stare straight at him. A smile spread across his lips. And he started walking towards my house. I shuttered, and closed my curtains. I hurried and dressed and ran out of my room and out the front door; leaving it wide open for the whole world to see. I wasn’t sure who he was; and as far as I was concerned I didn’t want to know him either. So I ran; I ran as fast and as hard as I could. I ran so far a distance that I could barely see my house. I ran until I could run no longer and stopped at the old oak tree. And stared hard towards the path to my house. And then I saw him; again I saw that boy walking down the hill from where I just came. Looking at me with a puzzled look on his face. I stared at him and for some reason my legs started walking forward towards him. I got a better look at his face. He had piercing blue eyes and light-brown hair. He was wearing a brown t-shirt with ripped blue jeans. Still walking towards me; I just stood there staring at him with my huge dark-green eyes. Finally we were face to face. We just stood there in silence. I was about to speak but he silenced me. So we stood there; which seemed to take forever. “Why are you here”? Still he just stood there. I was confused and I didn’t have a clue on who he was. I was bound to just fall on my knees and cry. But I couldn’t. I was scared and afraid of him. His eyes were a piercing blue and he almost looked blind. He scared me. I wanted to run but I didn’t…it was frightening to me. I suddenly heard a scream. Shots from my house. I looked at him and he smiled; an evil smile. I ran from him; towards my house. I kept running, my legs started burning and it felt as though they were ripping and tearing inside. But I kept running; pushing the pain into the back of my head. I kept running till I reached my house. I was stunned. My house was on fire. I could hear the screams of my brother and sister. I was so shocked, that I was too scared to move from where I was standing. Suddenly I saw him, the man who swore my family to hell. Anger was boiling inside of me. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to kill him. Wrap my hands around his neck and suffocate him. I heard my brothers scream again. Without thinking I ran into the burning building. It was blurry; I could barely see a thing. The smoke was choking me. But I couldn’t stop now. I ran up the steps to my brothers room and threw his door open. I let out a startled cry. I saw him crying his eyes out in the middle of the floors. His leg and the rest of his body were covered in blood. I ran to him; slipping on his blood and fell. I held him and cried. He was not crying anymore. He just laid there in silence. He was no longer breathing. I felt lost and alone. I felt very scared. I felt sad and anger at the same time. All I could do was hold him. I sat there rocking him over and over again. Time past and I couldn’t let go of him. It seemed like my whole world had stopped while reality kept playing. I sat there and let the anger boil inside of me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to kill the man who killed him. My brother, sister. My sister was long gone, and my parents were nowhere to be found. I was all alone again; and this was my families ending. They were gone and I would never have them again. I stood up and looked at my brother and sister. And whispered “Do not be afraid… I will avenge your death!” With the rage of fire burning in my eyes I left that room. I ran down the stairs; and kept running until I was out of the house. Police and firefighters were surrounding my house, they stared at me. I stared back. Tears were pouring from my eyes. I could not control my emotions no longer. I was drenched in their blood; the blood of my loved ones. Everything went black and I fell. I heard shouts, and then silence. I awoke suddenly covered in sweat and dried tears on my face. A dream, the same I have every night. Someone dies. And it’s always my family. That boy is always there; the same one. It drives me crazy. He drives me mad. If he were real, he could be; I would cut him over and over again until he is breathing no longer. He will die and feel the pain that I’ve been feeling. He will feel and have the emotions that I have endured. He will know what pain his. And I will give it to him if he keeps haunting me. For years I’ve had to deal with this ignorant fool. This low life who calls himself God. He will die!
Emotions
The anger I feel is not safe. Inside I wish to tear things to pieces. Make others see what my life is like. What I’ve been through. I used to be happy in the earlier days. I used to be happy and cheerful. But now I am so consumed by the darkness and by my dark emotions; which take over me body and actions. My soul is wrapped safely inside my body like a cocoon. I wish to break free and feel the freedom. I wish to fly away to a place better. Like what Robert frost said in his poem: “So was I once myself a swinger of birches. And so I dream of going back to be. It’s when I’m weary of considerations, and life is too much like a pathless wood; where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs. Broken across it, and one eye is weeping. From a twig’s having lashed across it open. I’d like to get away from earth awhile, and then come back to it and begin over.” I wish I could go to. I’d like to get away for awhile and come back again and start all over. I want to be different from the person that I am today. I would love it if I could fly away to a different planet. To feel and be something different; to be able to express my emotions when I feel like it. I want to be able to finally and forever be free. I want to be a white pigeon and fly so far from here and breathe a new life. I want something different. I want…I want freedom. I want life. To be reborn into something new. If anything I wish I could be free from this cage I live in. This life force has pushed me back for so long. I want to feel love and be loved. I want a lot of things that I know that I will never have. I am not an equal to your people. I am an individual. And I deserve the same rights as you. You have made me very angry. My tutors are nothing. They are just people; normal. They have no special power. They have no special abilities like me. I have the power to stop the violence. To stop the anger. I have the power of my will to stop the things that kill innocent people. I am the one to stop the world from sudden destruction. I was built here to become the ultimate weapon of this planet. You cannot change me no matter how hard you try you will fail. Your life is yours. Stay out of mine. You will not control me unless you are me; which you aren’t. You are the destroyers of this planet that I was somewhat lucky to be born on. This place is retched, and covered in little people who believe they are better than anyone else. They are fools in thinking that they are powerful and stronger than the others around them. They were built to kill, to love, and to learn. How to live better and make the earth a safe environment for everyone to live on. I think that if we keep living this way, soon the world will die out and this planet will be lifeless like all the others. Mars which burns, the killing planet. Pluto which people now say doesn’t matter. It’s not a planet any longer. So now it confuses me so. I feel enraged with the emotions of my past and of my future. I already know what’s here to come. And it angers and still frightens me too much for words to speak. And so now I disappear from their lives again. To them I don’t really matter. To them I am the destruction’s of their lives. To blame me for such a cause is treason. They all deserve to be punished. With their guilt and confusion of reality. When they look at me, they don’t see me as human; they see me as something else. In which I’m not really sure yet. I’m always being stared at by some person; some object that believes I am the power that kills. The one who means nothing. So at any moment I could be cut open and then be left there lying on the floor to die. Soon I shall cause the end of the world. The day that god comes; and the day the devil shall confuse us all into the arrival of hell. In the clouds above there is a man who understands me and knows what I was put here for. He knows my past and he know what lies in the future. He knows everything there is to know about me. The time has come for me to decide whose side I’m really on. The good or the evil.
My Ending
And so now I know what fate I will choose. I finally ready to take flight and to leave this life I once loved…To become brand new. I stood there; staring up at the sky. With tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks; leaving wet drops on the pavement. I hugged myself, revealing my true self. Millions of people were behind me; looking at me in astonishment. For once in my life I was beautiful. I felt beautiful. People looked at me with tears in their eyes. I could hear their whispers more clearly now. All of them were saying that they were sorry over and over again. I stood there and cried; now they loved me and knew what my true beauty was underneath. Afterwards I waved to them and turned around. I looked up at the sky; I was light; feeling blinded by the light. I was rising off of the ground and was drifting slowing towards the sky. I cried and cried knowing this was not the ending but was the beginning of my life. Soon I was there; finally as I took my last breath on earth…; I knew what I had, my dream had finally come true…I was Free as last.