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Dear Kevin,
First of all, I love when you try to help me. But some time I feel like I have to do things on my own. I hate when I get certain ways because I change, and it’s always for the worst. I’ve always been this way, it protects me form getting hurt. I know you don’t want/try to hurt me.
I hate when you don’t eat, not because I’m uber jealous of your sexy skinniness, but because it’s not right. When I’m upset I don’t eat I never feel hungry but I force myself to eat something, no matter how small it may be. I care a lot about you, and frankly too much at this point. I hate hearing that you’re not eating or that you’re throwing it back up. I hate my aunt because of her fake personality and because she’s bulimic. I know its not a good reason to hate family, but her kids are hurting because of her. And I can’t stand to watch my friends but themselves threw pain. I wish I could tell you to stop and you’d just magically stop, but that’s not how life works. I can only be the girl who lives 2 hours away who cares about you and worries that every day something may have happened to you.
As far as a one sided friendship?? I try to be as much as a friend to you as you are to me. I’m sorry if I wasn’t in the “talking mood” I’ve just got a lot t think about you. And you’re right.. I do have a really great life compared to my friends but I [we] pick out the negatives and dwell on them. You do help my day get better, never doubt that.. There’s just reasons behind my actions, and they’re not good reasons but they’re reasons enough not to tell you. And I have reasons for not telling you my reasons because … I cant tell you that either [right now any ways].
To me you’re not a fake kid, I’m really a lot like you, which is weird… I think. Just how you think you’re this fake kid, you’re not. We’re 16-17, we’re still figuring out who we are and what we’re doing in life, and what we’re doing with our lives. It’s hard to think of the future and see great results. People going into college have a mind set, but most of them change courses any ways because its not what they expected. No one can say I want this and they stick to it, some times they want things and over years it changes. I know I want to be a dentist, but to be where I want to be I’ve got YEARS of stupid school to go, I don’t have money I don’t have the grades. You’ve got the brains and the grades to back it up, I’ve got …. Personality? I guess doing what I though in life wasn’t what was right. I’ve never taken school seriously. I’ve don’t summer school for 3 years in a row. Plus I had to make a class my senior year. Even with that I’ve managed to get MORE credits than needed. My mom doesn’t understand it, but I do. Thanks to you, I’ve found motivation to get work done because I want to walk.
Not only do I have the thought of being with you one day after graduation. But I’ve got the thought of my mom sitting in the stands on June 2nd 2007 crying because her first born is actually alive, and graduating. I’ll be able to look her in the eyes and tell her I love her, and I’ll miss her over summer while she’ll be in a hospital in surgery, and bed ridden for a month or so. I’ll know my mom is getting healthy and is alive and okay. I know she’s risking her life to wait for June, but she’d also be risking her life if she didn’t wait and tried to make it that day. I cant loose the only thing I have. I mean family is HUGE with me, I’ve seen my friends families fall apart, and I’ve my friends go threw some tuff s**t, and my dad always says “aren’t you glad you have a normal American family with two parents who love you?” and then as I walk away nodding my head, I think of the day my brother nearly killed me…. I LOVE my dad like no other, I love my mom like no one could ever believe. My brother has put me in these horrible moods, but I can only blame myself. I’ve never really been nice to him, which is really sad. I mean the day he was born my dad came into my class saying “it’s time it’s time we have to go” and I remember screaming and jumping up and down and booking it to the car so I’d be there for my little brother. And when he was born and they took him with the nurses to be weighted he was laying on a table and he waved to me, I cried so hard that night. One I had a little brother, Two I was the only one by the window jumping up and down and he waved his little tiny fingers. And that memory makes me want to have a kid f my own one day. And 2 weeks ago my mom pissed me off and the only thought I had of any revenge was getting knocked up and laughing in her face. No clue why that thought came to me, and I scared myself.
I see the Msn Messenger light flashing, sorry for neglecting you, I already told you I have a lot to say and can talk a lot, and I’m using word document so I can write it and send it to you.
And you’re not whiney. I’ve seen and heard whiney. Everyone has their share of issues you’re just may not be/seem as big as others. But look at the born rich people [not me celebrities] they have “Drama” and make it so huge and blown out of proportion. I don’t know your friends like you do, but from the things you to me, its horrible. I don’t see why you don’t like you’re body, to me you’re perfect, but then again how I see you is different than how you see your self and every one has their own thoughts of themselves. I can’t change how you feel even though I wish I could. You choose to be who/what you are. You’re slightly anorexic, so you say. Well I’m sure if you REALLY tried you could stop. I wish I could be there in Barstow to help you. I hate hearing stuff like that, I mean… It bothers me I can’t help people who I really want to help. I’m in the same whole as you. I smoke, drink, drugs, cut, etc. I’ve been there done it all. I’ve had sex with people who I wouldn’t have in the first place, I’ve done things I’m ashamed of, and regret.
I think every one thinks their town is a s**t whole town. Menifee isn’t even on a map. No one’s heard of it… I mean sure Barstow is just a pit stop place but still at least it’s on a map and people know where it’s at. I’m excited to graduate, but I’m moving to Arizona then Vegas… I’m in a worst place than I started. I have my fake smile too, and I ate telling people about me, I mean I try to avoid telling you things even though I feel like I can tell you anything and everything. But when I talk to you, I’m always happy. You’re my anti - drug. I know how you feel about putting on fake smile and fixing other people problems the best you can but not being able to fix your own, its like you can make people happy and help them be happy and get out of a hole, but yet you never take your own advice and when you do it’s too late.
Okay well there’s my reply to only the things said in the IM…. Other than that I think I need time to think of things I CAN say, and how to burry the rest.
Oh and I promised my ex I’d never cut again, it’s just a common reoccurring thought… And today seemed like a good day… But… I wont, I couldn’t bare the thought of your puppy eyes and saying no…