• Wibbowack

    By Epic Irony


    Once upon a time, in the magical land of Pocus, near a sleepy little town known as Abrakadabraville, there lived a magical wizard named Wibbowack. Wibbowack was the greatest wizard in the land, and he had the biggest, longest beard ever seen in Pocus. His beard was so long, it tickled his toes when he walked, and tickled his nose when he talked! Wibbowack lived all alone with his beard on a hill just outside Abrakadabraville. He’d look down on the village and smile- it was his favorite place. Nobody there had a beard like him, and always there were little children wishing to play with it or villagers asking him for something magical or another, a potion brewed or a spell cast. And always, they admired his beard. Today, though, he’d gotten up early and was walking into the town. Today was special- the Beard Festival was taking place in the middle of the village, and Wibbowack was sure he would win. He had the most fabulous beard of all- it was almost a hundred feet long! He’d been growing it for six hundred and thirty two and a half years now, after all. All the other beards would be so jealous! He could already smell the trophy.

    The Festival itself was huge- every beard in the land of Pocus was there. Stubble, Mutton-chop & Lumberjack combo, the Wolfman, the Santa, twin-braided Dwarven style, even a few Wizard’s Beards like Wibbowack’s. His was still the best- it trailed behind him as he walked onto the stage. Once up, the judges began inspecting.

    “It’s dirty,” the first observed, picking a twig from the tangled mass of dirt-clogged hair.

    “It’s scraggly and poorly groomed,” the second muttered, trying to run a brush through the beard. It was caught, then immediately lost.

    “It’s entirely too long,” the third insisted.

    Heavily insulted, the mass of gray-sliver hair reared back and gasped. The crowd gasped with it. What form of sorcery was this, that a massive beard moved of its own accord? The offended hair looked at the three judges and pointed.

    “Wibbowack,” the beard said, and magic sparkles flew and struck the judge in the chest. After a colorful puff of smoke enveloped him, a pig wandered out. Wibbowack’s beard was a wizard too!

    “Wibbowack,” it said again, pointing at the second judge. Another puff of colorful smoke, and a cow mooed from within. He’d been changed!

    The last judge was the target now. “Wibbowack, Wibbowack, Wibbowack.” Poof, sofa. Poof, beach ball. Poof, bathtub.

    “Beard!” Wibbowack shouted, grabbing hold of his silvery scruff. “You must stop, what are you doing?”

    “Wibbowack,” the beard replied, pointing to the audience. One of the members suddenly poofed into a chicken, feathers drifting to the ground around him.

    “No, beard! You must change them back, now!”

    “Wibbowack.” The local innkeeper was now a gigantic doorknocker.

    The knights of the village all drew their swords against this vile beast. Charging in to slay the beard, they were met with a rain of magical sparkles.

    “Wibbowack,” it said, and their swords vanished, replaced by different things- a bouquet of flowers, a lobster, a dragon’s tail… Still attached to a dragon.

    “Wibbowack.” The sky was suddenly an absurd shade of lavender with bright lime green polka dots.

    The old wizard couldn’t take it anymore. The villagers were getting mad. His beard was embarrassing him, turning everyone into random things. It couldn’t go on like this. Wibbowack reached into the judge-turned-pig’s grooming kit, retrieving the town’s last hope- a magical pair of golden scissors! With a completely necessary and perfectly overdramatic flourish, he impaled the writhing mass of fur with the shiny golden blades.
    “Wibbowack!” The beard screamed, and the sky was blue again. “Wibbowack!” The doorknocker was the innkeeper. “Wibbowack!” Everything began poofing back to normal… Except the three judges. They remained a pig, a cow, and a bathtub. Wibbowack’s limp mane lay defeated in the dirt, and he finally saw it for what it was; a dirty, scraggly lump of hair that was entirely too long. The judges had been right. They were still a pig, cow, and bathtub, of course, but Wibbowack apologized to them each nonetheless.

    And everyone lived happily ever after. Even the pig, cow, and bathtub.

    The End.