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Kanashimi's Sorrowful Tales |
A personal journal explaining the daily events of Jackie Lee Florian (or Kanashimi). Different pieces written in here might contain poetry, short stories, weekly events, newly made graphics, pet lists, and much more. |
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 @ 04:24am
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~*Random Story 001*~ "And she was broken by that stare, unbeknownst as to exactly how the wall that surrounded her heart could crumble at such a simple gesture, and yet the sting of the disillusioned pain splashed her over and over again like a powerful wave that was determined to knock her back into reality. She just couldn’t comprehend her own feelings, nor could she even acknowledge the rest of the worlds’.
But then again, that was selfish.
She couldn’t be selfish.
No, to carry out such an aggressively greedy, consuming emotion would take over if she allowed it. Then what hideous creature would she transform into, what monster would devour her that she had ran and hid from her whole miserable life? Then again, her life had never been excessively bad when put into aspects of snotty adults with their so-called mature way of life; however, one had to consider the emotional distress and the scars that lay upon her soul. Her past engulfed her every now and then, like a gang of clawed-handed demons that clutched at her limbs and pulled her down into their hellish depths; points like that, she had to halt her actions, her movement in life, and step away from the future. Those were times where she was submerged by her fears, and remained as she was---never growing or changing like everyone who was natural did.
She had some sort of luckiness to her though, despite the beatings from her mother and the sexual assault from her father, she had people who loved her. Or maybe, she just thought they loved her but, she knew she loved them; maybe that was all that mattered. They were her everything and when they left her (if they left her, she convinced herself) she would shatter like a porcelain doll, her tiny body adorned in white, her wavy tresses hung from her head in a fashion of calm tranquility, her cheeks painted to perfection by her creator with her ruby red lips curled into a cunning smile---all destroyed, all ruined. Like a toy that was handled poorly, to such a degree of carelessness that even the creator would turn away from the used doll in disgust.
Not that she hadn’t been deemed disgusting before, if anything, that was her title in her household. Her family only saw her as filth. It was mostly her mother who said she was as such. Her father was the violent one but, that didn’t mean her mom couldn’t whip up a storm of aggression when persuaded to. They were her downfall, the people that raised her to be afraid, and to tip-toe lightly through life out of fear of human emotion; they had leashed her down and gave her the marks upon her back, the ones that dug fiercely into her flesh, and she carried them to this day---distinct as ever---as they suppressed her freedom to live.
All she could do was try though. She had only found real reason for herself to begin to grow. She had met people, wonderful & loving people that appeared to care for her. She never thought such a thing was possible due to her ugly heart, yet now everyday she awoke with a thought, “Oh, how lucky I am.” She knew she didn’t deserve their care, and there was no task in the world she could perform that would repay those she truly loved for; however, she would show her devotion on hand and foot if necessary.
There were two people that made up the two intact pieces of her heart.
And she continued to awaken, saying like a desperate chant of happiness, “Oh, how lucky I am.” However, she truly did not know what a poor, unlucky girl she was. She was stuck within a sense of denial, it seemed---now her life appeared to be normal and practically perky but, what about the accounts of her darkened, tormented, nightmarish visions that traveled across closed eyelids. She was enwrapped within her own mental state, consumed by the very fluids of love that dripped from her heart, leaving the poor organ dry.
Yet she withheld her suffering besides the little tid-bits that clawed their way out on rare occasions to herself. No use bothering others with her desperate calls of complaints because you needed people to care to listen to it. Not only that, once you depend on someone else, you become too attached. Once that happens someone could become her everything, and if she was engulfed with that concept once that everything left, she would be left with nothing.
“If I need a rhythm, it’s gonna be to my damaged heart I listen,” She went on saying, speaking those very words to herself in the blackness of her bedroom as she laid her head down meet slumber. However, it was doubtful if she knew how much she spread of the injury by listening to her wounded emotions throughout her conscious state. She just knew some joy which she chewed upon feverously as her smile remained upon her face. Those lips forgetting how to give out a sorrowful grimace, their owner forcing them to stay upright and cheery. That didn’t matter to her though, she found a delight within those two individuals. No more did she “only feel love within her dreams,” she told herself over and over. Her eyes sparkled with mild entertainment as she watched the pawns move on the board, the game piece of herself moving to the flow of others’ commands.
“Everything was how it should be.”
She should be more gracious and truly serve those she loved---her duty to them would be lost, and so would her meaning. Her purpose once again shattered. What a sad, poor, unlucky fate for such a sad, little, porcelain doll."
I've been bored in Website Science, I'm always ahead in that class because I fine it insanely easy (the only hard part is the way the teacher shoves tabling down our thoart when div is so much easier). Anyway, in my spare time when the internet is blocked, I've been writing. Nothing better to do in word, eh? It started off as a normal story and grew more into something about myself---how ironic.
However, I've been expanding it as time goes on---still not quite sure what it's about. Nice to get into describtive writting again though, my signature style is something I still adore.
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Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 @ 06:41am
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~*Past Life Vision 001*~ "She reached around, her slinky fingers grasping the glass with a peculiar curl, the pale hand lifted the reflective cup to her hooded face. The liquor of deep maroon swished within the containment of the goblet, and soft green toned eyes watched this natural movement. A swift sigh escaped her pale lips, the oxygen traveling onto the wineglass, and drenched a portion of it with a fogginess that began to fade away almost before it had completely settled.
The female, seemingly young but containing a mature air, lowered the object distastefully onto a nearby side table. She crossed her legs under her flowing gown of light tinted cerulean, and the fabric moved to fit her body with a delicacy that seemed all her own. She glanced downward at her hands which she had placed calmly in her lap. The light coil of her dirty blonde locks dipped onto her chest, brushing against her skinny neck, and the sweet adjustment of her meek eyes were entertained by the loops of knots her fingers wove before her. She was, after all, a simple wallflower during times like this.
Her thoughts---whatever they might have been---lost touch with her as she felt a strong but somewhat gentle hand set itself upon her shoulder. Her attention caught by this sudden newcomer, she glanced upward in an childish yet inquisitive sort of manner to look upon the individual seeking her out of this large group of affluent people."
Short, simple, sweet---had it a while ago and have been developing a story within this mind and the next to grant a more firm hold on my past life. It's been a slow, long road; but, maybe soon I will understand.
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2006 @ 10:21pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 @ 01:21am
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~*Writing Expert_001 "Adina's Past"*~ Below are more than naught random scenes from a projected I finished around the end of eighth grade. I worked hard to get this done and the ending result wound up being a full sixty-four pages. The piece was a complex full and detailed explanation of one of my most loved character's past. I was currently using this character for a roleplay with my cousin and I still am. The roleplay can be found here. Watch out! It's a long read of over 300 printed out pages (from the last time we checked). WARNING: If you are religious and disagree with the below information please do not send me hate mail! This is just a story---back off!The basic plot line is as follows: Heaven is made up of an advanced technology instead of magic, though magic is a keen part of the mix. However, one day, a virus gets into the computers up in Heaven which then connect to the systems down in Hell (this is the simple version here, folks---don't get me started on algorithms and such). Thus, the virus acts out and seemingly randomly teleports Angels & Devils out of their respective realms onto Earth.
My main character, Adina, Princess of Heaven---and Angel Master of Light---lands upon Earth and takes it upon herself to do what she can. She ends up meeting a Devil, Kokuyo (my cousin's character), and the two decide to work together until they can get back to their homes. Now, it must be understood that Devils and Angel rarely make contact; actually, most friendships and/or relationships are pron to be forbidden by the leader of Heaven & Hell.
Anyway! Kokuyo and Adina, of course, end up falling in love while the couple is joined by more characters. The virus than begins to get increasingly worse and is somehow connected with Adina's past. It seems that the virus was caused by Thanatos (a devil and my character) who was Adina's lover in the past; thought for dead. His goal is to make a world of his own for only his dear Adina and himself. Also, to disclose Adina's memories that were sealed away by her father (aka God). Well, Kokuyo's gonna have something to say about that.
The following characters that are involved in these scenes are as follows:
- Selinya: The Angel Master of Water and Adina's adopted sister. She loves Adina dearly but has a tendancy to hate what she does not understand or does not find important to herself.
- Taoikuya: The Angel Master of Fire and a friend to the other Angel Master's. He rarely speaks and is insanely shy due to his past; he tends to stick close to Adina due to the fact that he has fallen in love with her in a delicate sort of way.
- Marina: The Angel Master of Earth who finds love only within nature. Before meeting Adina and the others she preferred her solitude but was consumed with guilt.
- Lefina: The Angel Master of Air is Adina's mentor and the eldest of the cast. She had a sister named Leiuanana who was killed by Adina (thus a major reason why Adina's memories were sealed); however, Lefina cared nothing for her sister and only cared for her sister's replacement: Adina.
- Maya/Azteca: Adina's mother who is truly and Earth Spirit. God changed her into an angel so they could become lovers and marry without suspect. She is the prime cause for Adina's gentle and complex personality. Also, her wisdom lets her know more than deemed nesscary.
- Bokentai (my cousin's character): The Devil Master of Fire who is an evil, ruthless man that hurt Adina in the past.
- Rinku: Devil Master of Darkness and brother to Bokentai & Kokuyo. The apple of Selinya's desire whether lustful or meaningful.
- Hohenderu: Devil Master of Thunder who is laid back and care free, but is highly respected by his peers.
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~Begin excerpt ~
Click.
The wind whipped her hair ruthlessly as she reached the top of the hill. The sun was burning and it looked as if it was setting as the orange flared the sky with colors of both brilliance and mild darkness. She stood still as she spotted Taoikuya... among the graves... Beings of light---fireflies---danced around the area as they blessed the lost souls who had actually been given a proper burial. Graveyards were rare in Heaven since rebirth was a proven fact; regardless, it was more for sentimental value of the living and sometimes a request form the dead as they took on a new life. She spotted the back of his head and noticed the messiness of his red tresses almost immediately as she approached at a suddenly slow walk. He was hunched over a small patch of fresh dirt in a position that looked as if he was about to pounce.
Taoikuya was smart and noticed small things easily, so it was no surprise when he heard Adina's footsteps, no matter how faint. She halted once she was at least arm distance from him and watched the tombstone with something akin to mourn. They shared a moment of silence as if asked to do so in a church like setting yet the breeze still hollowed. The younger of the two opened his mouth; however, words would be awkward right now, especially if they were from him.
"She's beautiful," Adina's speech broke the quietness as she looked above the grave into the sky. As if she was watching a figure move over the deathbed with a smile, "Your sister, Terrin...? She is remarkably gorgeous... Very loving soul..."
Taoikuya stood slowly and he seemed somewhat limp, "How did you find me...?"
"Just followed the blaze," Her speech was somewhat mystic like it always seemed to be in times like this and she always knew what to say as well, "But isn't the why more important to you?"
He shook his head slightly as he stared down at the dirt, "Not really..." There was a pause, "I dunno... sure..."
Adina simply nodded with an acceptance, "Because I'm your friend and I care about you. Selinya was worried too, ya'know. I even told Marina that you hadn't been showing up for school and she replied, 'Oh! That nice boy?'. Lefina showed some concern as well because you have her for Business Management, she wondered why you had been gone from her college class."
He refused to reply and Adina wondered if he was ready... "But, more importantly, I wanted to know if you were all right. I know now that you're not..."
The wind had calmed a bit; however, it still blew with a roughness that made a high-pitched moaning vibrate through the World of Angels. "You don't truly... not entirely... no one does..." That was what he had said and that made even Adina frown, "You won't when you know the truth... of what I've done..."
"Explain," Adina almost ordered as she waited for a response and it was obvious that she would wait forever if the need arouse. Her purpose for being alive right now was for Taoikuya, she saw herself as an object that had been made just for his tastes and no one else's. If anything, Taoikuya had her ear as she listened to every detail she already knew.
"My father and I were always on our own, I never knew my mother and never wanted to. I was content with my dad; I never wanted or needed anything else. One day though, he decided to get remarried to a woman with a daughter. I loved my new baby-sister, Terrin, and I took care of her with all I had because after my dad got married again, he got a new job. He was never home and I hated not being with him. Instead, I spent time with Terrin and watched over her. Oddly enough, I loved her as a person and not as a sister. I could never love her as a sister, even now, I don't see it as a possibility... My new mom always stayed at home and somehow..." He trembled slightly, his hand lifting to hug himself in an abnormal manner. "Whenever my father left on a business trip... She... She took advantage of me... Raped me..." His hand shot to his face and he seemed to grip the side of it in frustration, as if to focus the pain somewhere else than his heart as the tears streamed down his boyish face. He sank to the ground in despair, "I didn't know what to do... I ran... I left everything as soon as I could... I left Terrin as well... I didn't know it'd be forever... The day I left... She drowned in the pool we had in the backyard, there was a letter confessing that she had committed suicide because I had gone..." He pasted the line between simple sadness and overwhelming grief as he wept, the warm droplets of water falling onto his sister's grave.
"It still haunts you?" Adina asked, knowing the answer but somehow taking the role of a therapist. She watched him nod, his body shaking from head to toe, and his hands hugging himself for what little comfort he could muster for himself. "Is..." There was a halt from Adina and she wondered if she could cross that line, "Is that why... you cut yourself?"
Taoikuya's eyes burst open in wide shock, his body halted in their tremors as he went over the words she had just said. "How--HOW DO YOU KNOW?!" He shouted in rage, a tone that seemed so out of place for the man yet somehow fit his fiery image.
The female didn't move and didn't seem affected by his reaction; she would except everything and anything until he had pasted this point of his life. "She told me."
"WHO?! WHO DID?!" His screams grew livid as he rocked in his spot, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?! WHY WOULD YOU MENTION IT? WHO HAVE YOU TOLD?! NO ONE KNOWS BECAUSE I LIVE IN... SOLITUDE!" He was ranting and raving to a point where Adina couldn't answer, so... she made a space for her to.
"Your sister!" She whispered back, her voice a bit loud but not enough to match his what-so-ever. She leaned her body into his back, her knees digging in the mud as she rested her chin on his shoulder from behind. Her lips close to his ears as she whispered the truth. He halted dead, his touch suddenly going cold, and his breathing stopped, "She's here... Right now, she hasn't been reborn yet, she has four years, seven months, four weeks, five days, three hours, fifty-seven minutes, and thirty-three seconds until she hits the reincarnation process." Her mind pulling the file from her inner computer so fast it seemed unbelievable. Only two other people would know that much detailed knowledge and that was Lucifer & God. "She is waiting here, watching you, until her time to live again and she forgives you. She was mistaken when she tried to murder herself and now she is unable to return to the House of God until she repents; regardless, she loves you! She was never mad at you... She just couldn't stand her own mother alone... She had grown dependent on you to a fault. She truly, truly loved you..." Her arms wrapped around his chest in a hug as she opened her channel to send Taoikuya her loving warmth. "Anyone would have ran... That is the fear of being a child and knowing that life can be horrid sometimes... Yet, here you are today, alive and surviving after being torn away from things you loved and hated. You are alive despite the fact you have nothing... Brave is the fire and you are the blaze, Taoikuya-chan... I know that you have lost something dear and wish for death yourself, but rebirth will not take away the pain. Rebirth is living again with the things you have learned from your past lives. If you were not able to battle your negativity in this life, what makes you think you will be able to do it in another when you have no idea why? Cut yourself as much as you feel, if it makes you feel better, do it. Life is still gained even from pain, but never from disappearance."
In her long speech, Taoikuya's arms had lifted and found her hands, he clutched them tightly in a careful way. Silence again, wind was gone now, tears still ran. "Come home... Come home with me," She felt him fidget in her embrace as another blow of astonishment was tossed into his face. "You can't be alone anymore... No more SOLITUDE... People need people or else death is the only option... Live with me and share my love... You will die in isolation if you remain as you are..."
Taoikuya turned his face farther from her, still wrapped in her arms, and felt the expression of compassion locked within her features. She wouldn't take no as an answer and---quite honestly---he didn't want to say as much. He didn't retort but he stared up at the sky with eyes that were brimming with joy that he had never had; not even with his sister.
As the silence lingered above their heads Adina's arms fell downward off the redhead and she lifted soon after that. Her fingers laced with his and she gave off a childish smile, turning to lead him to wherever the wind was meant to blow. Her body had turned and she was ready to take him with her; however, there was one last jolt of comfort that the boy needed from the brown haired female. She felt his hands grip her upper arms and spin her so the two could face. She glanced up at him---her eyes turning that bewitching flavor as she realized there was more---and felt his lips clash against her own. She didn't resist since she knew her chance of calm let down had vanished.
Thanatos... Forgive me... Understand like I know you will...
Click.
~New scene~
Please note that this scene is very bloody and contains graphic material! Please do not read unless able to handle an amble amount of blood and/or death scences! Everyone else have fun!
Click.
"I have to go soon---" Adina began but Thanatos cut her off promptly.
His index finger pressed softly against her warm, cheery hued lips. The man smiled a bit and laced his fingers with hers as he stared deeply into her sapphire eyes, "Don't talk about leaving... not yet..." She leaned her head on his shoulder and thought about how comfortable she felt with him... whenever she was with him.
All of them appeared at once, encasing the couple in a large circle---they were surrounded before Adina or Thanatos understood what was going on. The two stood quickly, Thanatos facing the Devil Masters and Adina facing the Angel Masters. How... How? After eleven years somehow the forbidden act had finally be discovered, but how? Adina gazed among the group with unwavering eyes and her attention laid upon Selinya. Her sister was avoiding her gaze, a hand gripping her opposite arm tightly in a semi-hug, and the Angel knew. She could tell from the way that the Water Mistress was acting that the truth had tumbled recklessly from her lips and into the ears of everyone else... Despite that fact though, Adina didn't feel any hate for her what-so-ever. She even gave her a gentle look to comfort her when the eighteen year old woman finally glanced up. Somehow her eyes were speaking with Selinya's heart directly and they spoke in a tone of motherly content, It's alright... I don't mind that you told, you did what you thought was right, I can't be mad at you for that...
Lefina took a step forward, "Princess Adina Onzusa Hana," Her head turned towards the Angel, "Sirius Eroson Thanatos!" She called out to him, her focus whirling to him as she spoke in a manner to get their undivided attention. "The respective owners of both Heaven and Hell have witnessed your activities, and they have asked us to halt them for---as you know---it is against the law. The act you two have committed is forbidden by both of our kind, and as such you will both be punished." All right, official mumbo-jumbo out of the way... The female with azure hued curls was speaking directly to Adina now, "Your Highness, we're going home."
Adina listened carefully and as Lefina had spoken, she had felt Thanatos tense up as she could feel the muscles in his back get ready. She didn't want there to be any fighting and, as such, she took Thanatos's hand in her own as her back leaned against his. She sensed a mild calmness wash over him from her small act of comfort. "No," Adina said simply, the wind brushing through her fine tresses and pulling them this way and that roughly. Her expression was somewhat cold, yet more serious than naught as she looked upon the other Angels as more of a woman than a teenage girl. From behind she might of heard Thanatos conversing with the other Devils; however, she was too wrapped up in trying to speak in a peaceful fashion with the Angels. Honestly, if the Devils were discussing anything she might have just imagined it. "I'm not going back home."
The look of surprise crossed everyone's face except Leiuanana's as she spoke in a sure-fire tone. She waited for Lefina to blurt out a what before continuing, "I'm not going home---ever again if that is what is meant to happen. I wish, I will, stay here with Thanatos. I'm not leaving his side, not now, not never."
"But, Adina---!" Lefina was trying to persuade her in any form possible; however, she was interrupted as she watched a figure of white rush by. Leiuanana had charged. Adina hadn't expected it and nor had anyone else, but it did make sense since Leiuanana was probably the only one not charged with having the duty to protect the Princess as the others did... Her arms shot out around Adina and the Angel struggled violently, trying desperately not to hurt one of her own and also to escape the wrath of her Father if they forced her to depart to Heaven. Adina felt the small fear within her double at the thought of being separated from Thanatos in any form... especially one like this where the consequences were dire. She felt Thanatos's grip become tighter as two of the Devil Masters---Rinku and Hohenderu had swooped forth---both of them trying to break the connection the two lovers had. Adina screamed as she held on with all her might, tears coming to her eyes as she fought to be with him. Could she really be denied happiness? Was it fair that, now that she had found her source of happiness, it was to be pulled away from her and leave her to live the contented life she had always had? Why? Had none of the others every loved anyone in the way the two of them had? Were they so bound to their Masters (God & Lucifer) that they would follow the rules no matter who suffered?!
"Adina!" Thanatos cried out through barred teeth as she felt his arm shake at the strength pulling him away from her.... away forever...
Leiuanana's wings appeared and flapped a few times to make the pull more mighty. Adina felt Thanatos's warm touch leave her as the two lost their grip. "THANATOS!" She screeched, wetness dripping down her face as she was confronted with her worst and only fear of not being able to love. Adina's heart burst as the S left her lips and her wings materialized in full form as a ravish amount of power was disclosed... A light had come from no where and it had rapidly grown such a bright white that the TV screen was now completely engulfed with the color. The plainness lingered on the TV for some time as the visual was lost. There was no sound for awhile, which might have made someone believe that this whole secret past thing had all been a joke.
Then the shock of noise killed that theory and would make anyone's chest tighten in utter horror.
An Angelic voice. Screaming.
Howling.
Female. Hoarse. Loud. Wet---as if gargling in pain.
Unbearable pain. A terrible incoherence that went on and on...
A throat-ripping howling interspersed with (what seemed) caged animal panting that heaved and heaved.
Heavy breathing.
Then more earth-shattering screams, these unimportant compared to the first that still echoed somehow louder. These were shrieks of shock, but the piercing, earsplitting one was a bawl that reeked with agony. It sounded like a mixed jumble of deafening expulsions that had no shape... no form... no meaning; like the horrific soundtrack from the rancid center of a slaughterer's nightmare. It sounded almost like a torture chamber, shrilling black mouths, convulsing bodies... lost souls who only felt grief.
There were words among the wrecked torrent, but the only thing that could clearly be made out was torment.
Louder, somehow still.
The white finally began to form colors, and they swirled alive in a mass dishevel of red. Gushing, popping, flesh smacking and breaking as the shapeless form twitched impulsively. Charcoaled skin and bubbling, boiling organs that somehow still pumped and beat with an essence of energy. Shaking. Cursed. Death there but letting the victim suffer in a pool of crimson droplets. The air filled with the scent of burning hair and that of poisonous acid. The black mouth opened as the burbling began again as the thing once of this world sunk and swam through a sea of her own liquid life source. Echoing. Cracking. The heart finally halted and so did the terrorizing vocals that only sang of pain. Pain. Pain. So much pain. Death. Death. So much death.
Somewhere there was a sound of barfing as Marina struggled to keep herself standing. She had turned from the group and her knees were shaking at what she had just seen. She couldn't stomach it! She had no... What dread! What horror! How... evil... Her belly turned again and broke her thoughts as she lost her breakfast instead of her lunch. Her eyes were wide as she had watched the outlandish event unfold in distinct clarity.
What... have I done...?
Selinya was trembling, her hair whipping around her as she watched the bloody pile in the center of the circle. She gulped finally and suddenly her lungs shouted out for air. She had been holding her breath for what seemed eternity as she began to wheeze in a manner that made her seemed like there was never enough oxygen for her body. She gripped at her heart, her fingers burning and crushing into her flesh as she tried to halt the memory that was playing over and over again within her head. She was weeping and she only realized now that it was because her eyes had been burnt from the light, they were colored a pink but she couldn't blink.
What is this feeling?
Taoikuya's pupils had gotten smaller, his hand rose slowly to the side of his face. His eyes shook within their sockets as he wiped his finger against his cheek. He stared down at his hand and held back the scream rising within his throat as he examined the blood of the former Angel Master of Light that had splattered unevenly among him. He watched her pain illuminate within the crimson, the whole world was deaf as he tried to recover from his own reaction.
I wonder... Mother...? Is this... a form of...
Sitting in a heap on her knees, around ten feet from the corpse of Leiuanana, was Adina. Her locks of brown covered her features as her whole upper body slumped forward in lifelessness. Her slender, pale arms were wrapped around herself, her nails digging into her skin so harshly that she was breaking the flesh and making herself bleed five times over on each side. She didn't shake, tremble, or move in inch. It was as if the woman was a statue that could not breath and didn't have the ability to obtain a beating heart. Splattered dots of scarlet decorated her body in oddness and her wings were drooped over, hued a brownish tone, much like the day she had lost her energy and needed a Sakura tree to survive.
of... Redemption?
With her face blocked, her lips twisted upward as a wicked smile consumed her expression and the dementedness of it gave off a hideousness of the being known as Adina.
There was a break suddenly as her grip loosened and her petite frame quivered in the realization as she emerged from the abyss of nightmares.
Was I? Was I just thinking like a killer?!
She remained speechless as her aura shrunk back as it all washed over her, as she recalled all that had just happened in a form of logic.
Lefina stood, absolutely fixed to the ground; her look was held with no emotions as she was locked in a state of pure shock within herself...
Thanatos shook his head a few times to try and disarm the images that he had just witnessed in real life. He recovered quicker than anyone else yet still somewhat shaken; his concern for Adina had surpassed all that had occurred and he lifted. The two Masters that had had a hold over him had been pushed away and possibly injured; regardless, he dashed to Adina's side. He knelt down gradually, unsure if comfort was something she would accept or if she would push him away... She seemed much like a broken toy.
His lengthy arms reached out leisurely---not caring if his garments got soaked with the redness---and wrapped her into a tight hug. He lifted her head onto her shoulders and this somehow broke her silence...
At first, the quietness of surprise lingered and floated lifelessly through the atmosphere in grinned fright. Then a new sound.
Soft. High-pitched. Nasal---A child's speech but without the innocence.
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry..."
Child's timbre, yet with no childish lilt what-so-ever; just unnaturally flat and somewhat robot-like.
I should be dead... for what I've done...
I'm sorry... so sorry...
Repetitive. Three times over. Four. Five!
A chant. Druidic sounding and mournful; so strangely metallic.
Almost like a prayer...
I'm so sorry...
Kill me for I have sinned
I'm sorry...
So sorry...
No. Too hollow for a prayer and much too faithless.
A prayer for the dead.
By the dead.
Thanatos could say nothing, there was absolutely nothing he could say that would contain any meaning at this point... what meaning was there? He lifted her lifeless arms around him and rocked with her steadily, listening to the melody of her words that contained nothing but sorrowful despair. Wetness dripped down his loves face and it seemed so clear, almost as if the emotion was invisible.
This hymn of broken birth had snapped Lefina into another state as she took the small walk over to the murderer's side. No emotion. "You..." She said breathlessly as her hand formed quickly into a fist and it jammed into the side of Adina's face. She was drawn back from Thanatos and he could only stare at this messy knot of complex grief. "You did it! You killed Leiuanana!" She screamed, her tears coming quickly as she struggled not to beat Adina within an inch of her life (not that she seemed very zealous at this point).
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Adina, sitting atop her knees, gazed up at Lefina like a child who had done something terribly wrong and was truly sorry for it. She held out her hands, reaching for something not there, gripping at the air as if it amused her.
You know that you won't find any forgiveness from him, now...
As Lefina stared at her face she realized how old Adina now looked. Her eyes were half-open and bags of night seemed to creep under them. The innocence was gone and replaced with an understanding of everything. Her hair was matted and battered, crusty from the blood drying and clumping it together. Her bones shook as if they were ready to give and let this old, tired soul collapse. Her face seemed narrow and her cheek bones were somehow empathized. She looked so brittle... so cracked... so much like a doll that had just been shattered and this was the true core of the glass piece; an ugly creature---not being, angel, or human---but creature that had no meaning. She gazed up at Lefina like this, her cheek red from the hit, and she seemed entertained, "You've never loved your sister," That same childish tone but it was brimming with aged wisdom, "you were always just jealous; that EMPTINESS is nothing but your imagination."
I know...
Lefina's mouth dropped and her eyes turned dark with hatred and fury. She was about to clash her flesh against the younger woman's; however, she halted two centimeters from the face of the weeping creature... because... Lefina realized that Adina was right. Lefina fell to her knees in front of the Fallen Angel and prayed for forgiveness.
While Lefina asked for the gift of mercy Adina had halted her chant, a burst of coughing starting up. Her chest tightened and she struggled to sit upright, but Thanatos caught her within his arms. A small line of blood escaped her lips and dripped down her chin...
...I know...
Click.
She could feel heavy hands toss her forward on the ground before a million pair of eyes. She looked up from her spot on the floor, the ugliness and bloody garments collected in a bundle close to her as she examined the empty faces. Balcony after balcony she could see shadows of Gods & Goddesses looking down upon her with hatred, jealousy, disappointment, and rage; and, at the center of it all, was the Almighty himself focused on her small form which shook from the terrors that had been heaved upon her shoulders. Her hair was matted and her clothes were torn; she looked like a prisoner within her own home. The texture of her eyes glistened with fresh tears as she didn't move from her laying position in the middle of the room. This was judgment---this was the horrid court of all Heaven---and her fate would be sealed depending on the decision of those who felt contempt towards Adina. (Author's Note: Now we wonder why Adina didn't want Kokuyo to go on any trial... Hmmm...)
Her thoughts halted abruptly as her heart bolted in shock and her physique trembled as the coughs came pouring from her mouth. She had no control over them and held her hand roughly over her lips, squeezing at the skin as she tried desperately to stop the spasm. The last one caught her off guard and made her pull back, blood spraying from her mouth, her hand catching most of it while the rest stained the white marble floor.
The speech of God echoed in a voice that could make the Earth quake in utter surprise, "You have gained this sudden illness due to your Goddess Powers being unlocked at such an early age." Adina coughed more, her other hand grasping at her bosom harshly as the thing beating within her cried out in tension. "Your body is too weak to hold all the magic that you will one day possess, because of this, I," He paused as he watched her face smash against the ground; one of her hands clawing at anything to make the flood of redness cease. "... I will keep your strength contained within a barrier until I see that you are properly ready to accept your Goddess Rank."
His arm lifted, his palm open; and, as he did this, Adina was raised to her feet by an unseen force. Then, her shoes left the tile and she was hovering lifeless above at least four feet. God's fist closed rapidly and Adina's scream vibrated every soul within the large room. A blast of golden electricity thundered and surrounded the woman, clashing against her skin as they blasted with power. Adina felt her jaw could not open wide enough as her shout of agony burst from the cage of insanity that was now her mind. Her body was bound to motionlessness, the lightning so strong that her muscles were too controlled to even contract. Her scream never ended as the silver bands around her wrists materialized in a fashion of chains. That's what it felt like---much like she was a jail bird who was given heavy, rotted chains to wear around her wrist. Next came the thick necklace which encased itself around her skinny neck; somehow, the yell became deafening and it was now much worse than the death cry of Leiuanana. Unlike Adina, Leiuanana was not a pure, innocence youth; she was a ragged, old witch. What made it worse was due to the fact that it was like the murder of a child, their dreams of sugared lace crushing within their heart, and their love for all... defeated in their own soul.
Suddenly, the burst of pain finished as Father of All lowered his limb. Adina's body floated downward and she landed on her knees, her eyes lifeless as blood trickled from her pores. She gazed up and stared, wishing, waiting for death. "You will be put under house arrest until we have come to a conclusion as to what punishment you are to undergo."
Adina, beaten and battered struggled to her feet. She staggered more than once before she finally was able to stand like a solider who still had a battle to face or an enemy to kill. "Why...?" Her voice was only a whisper and God looked upon her questionably. "Why can't I love him?!" Adina screamed, a new vigor burning within her as she thought of Thanatos. She was wondering if he was going through torture much like her or maybe worse... "Why does it matter if he isn't an angel?! Mother wasn't one!" The High Council gasped and many eyes went upon the Holy One. "Almighty, why do the rules get to break for you but not for me?! What fair game is that? Am I not the only daughter you have? Am I not the only heir? Even though I am not a pure angel---I am really a half-breed---you still choose to let the one, the only thing that's ever gave me joy get away from me? What if Maya, excuse me, Azteca!---What if she never left her people or what if the two of you were discovered? What then? I would not be here, nor would Selinya... nor would Heaven! This world was formed by the love of you both... I cannot become a true ruler if I am not powered by love myself... Doing this... leads to the end... YOU KNOW IT!" She gasped and fell forward, her hands clutching the railing near her as she tried to keep herself upright. She was breathing heavily as the liquid traveled down her cheeks in slowness. Her wings has sprung out of her back for simple support; however, now they were transparent and gave her no aid as she tussled to keep upright.
God didn't look pleased. His arm lifted and his fingers snapped, the Angels within the High Council freezing in time as he stared down at his daughter with cold eyes. "I know my place... find your own..." He shooed her away, her body fading as she was teleported to her room. God rewound time within the High Council and made them all forget because it had never happened...
Click.
~New scene~
It should be noted that extreme curse words are used and mild amount of blood appears in the following text. Beware little toddlers---beware!
Click.
A crumble of a once proud, majestic Angel sat in a horrid mess. She blended in with her room like an ancient artifact or a painting full of sorrowful demise. Her figure leaned to the side and her left arm was limply hanging onto something that was translucent. Drip. Her garments were ragged it seemed or maybe that was the mentor herself as her mane of the sky covered her face. The shadows played over the room as the windows were sealed and it made the tresses look like a blackish midnight that somehow seemed to suit her in this Hellish state. Drip. Drip. The clear object---Drip---was truly a wine glass which was nearly empty besides a slight swig of red hued liquid. It was held so loosely that it was on the verge of falling and breaking, also because of the position a small pool of the drink was soaking---Drip---lazily onto the wooden floor.
Adina moved forward, a smile on her face and it seemed so natural even though she hadn't felt her lips move that way in a long time, and she watched carefully. "Lefina..." She said and moved onward. The teacher's face shot upward as the CRASH from the glass shattering startled her. She looked up and her pupils dilated as she spotted the brown haired woman, and it seemed as if there was a horror locked within her expression. Adina moved past the Wind Twirler and to the other side of the room as if she hadn't seen Lefina at all. The sitting Angel was watching her closely as if she feared that Adina was about to strike in dreadful retribution. "The light will fight away your shadows, don't embrace this EMPTINESS any longer..." Adina said in a hushed, soothing tone of mysticism. Her hands pulled back the curtains roughly and the bright, glowing orb called the sun blazed inward as if it had been resting right outside the window for its cue. Lefina shrunk back and winced as she got use to the light.
She blinked a lot before finally letting herself become adjusted and saw the blood. Her wide eyed facial look returned as she realized that Adina has stepped upon the glass and continued on without a second glance. A trail of crimson footprints made their way from the side of Lefina to the window and faded as they went. They led straight to Adina, "It's time to realize that falsehood is different from the reality, Lefina." She turned and had that comforting gaze of warmth, her teeth revealed slightly from the grin.
Lefina stood in an act of rebellion, her rage pulsing through out her whole body, and her anger was digging right into Adina. "You--!" She cried out, weeping in her fury of lost cause, "How can you be so peachy and just show up here as if you have done absolutely nothing?! You wreck my life with you stupid love-fest boyfriend and then try and show me compliance?! You try and lecture me---your teacher---in my own abode as if nothing happened?! You wracked b***h!" There was that bemused look of amusement which formed on Adina's face as she kept one hand on the window sill, her eyes kind and innocence, her love overflowing. "You're a ******** witch!" She screamed and pointed at the Angel, "You're a seductress and you're trying to fool me now with your Satanic spells! Your Mother was the same way; an idiotic life form looking for cherished love through her unholy spells----!"
Adina stormed forward and her hand shot out as a messy mingle of limbs were laying in a skewed position on the bed. The Witch had dove forward unrepentantly and tossed Lefina onto the bed, and to hold her she had sat on top of her. The palm of her hand met Lefina's cheek harshly and yet that look of sage-like innocence was never wavering. Lefina was shocked, appalled, and humiliated; she had struggled restlessly yet once the hit had struck her the world had stopped its rotation.
"Lefina..." Adina lifted back a bit since the Master of Air had calmed; however, she still remained on top of her. "Stop fooling yourself and blaming everyone else because you think your EMPTY... It's not worth it anymore, Lefina... It never was and now this existence of tranquil blame should be annihilated..." There was a short pause, "At one point, there was a time when you truly had a void of darkness sucking up your heart. That was when Leiuanana first left all those years ago. You felt like there was nothing left, no point for you to continue if your sister wasn't there. I helped you get over it... and you just stopped loving Leiuanana, but it wasn't because she wasn't around---it was because she had changed and died as a sibling; that wasn't an optional role to take on anymore. Leiuanana was in the wrong, not you... You already got over her death before she even passed away; despite the sorrow of that... it was the right thing to do. After becoming whole again by teaching me and being friends with the others, you learned to find love within other things... you saw it as a possibility and you were all right.
"This black hole that is your heart right now is fake, Lefina; it's fake! Understand me when I say that the only reason you mourn is just to mourn and nothing else. You may be doing the act but there is no emotion there. Somewhere in that logical brain of yours, you decided that it was your obligation---as a sister---to be torn from the events because you thought you still loved your sibling; but you found substitutes... You found us. I was in the wrong for murdering your dear sister; that was one of the biggest mistakes in my life... but... you have to realize that the feelings you think you're feeling now are false. All this is an act that you think is suppose to happen and when the curtain falls... it'll be the same... I know how to be an actress and I know a poor actor when I see one. Lefina, we love you... if you waste your life here in this room... you'll never be loved again because you'll disappear. Don't waste the love you have, Lefina... don't waste this time to sit and sulk... EMPTINESS is nonexistent; so make it so. You don't have to believe one word that I have said; but never, never stop believing in yourself. That belief is what makes you who you are." Adina lifted, crawling off the bed slowly and she stared at Lefina who had gone to sitting upright. The look of beauty was lifted from Adina's face and her heart felt the fatigue as she lost the rest of her life in that room. She was smiling on the inside though because she knew that by her weakness that she had cured her friend. Her body fell forward and collapsed on the floor.
~End excerpt ~
Thanks for reading, if you did read any at all and wish to tell me what you thought I would luff you forever!
Copyright �2006 by Jackie Lee Florian/Payne. All Rights Reserved. No parts of this written piece may be republish without prior written permission.
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 @ 07:20pm
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~*Wishlist*~ A pretty short list of a few items that catch my fancy; these items could include normal things from the shops, letters, super rare items, breedable pets, art requests, or something else. I am not asking for donations; however, if you feel that you need to give me your money (I can not see why but...), then please go ahead because donations are welcomed with much love. I would be eternally grateful and make a new page in my journal stating how wonderfully great you are. This is mostly here to show others what I am going for, and a personal list so I can keep track.
~*~
Item: Mysterian
Type: Breedable Pet
Current Progress: 33,000 Out Of 150,000 (*Dies*)
Comment(s): Alrighty; I'm questing for the first time in my life! XD My current jewel of desire happens to be a breedable pet known as a Mysterian. Honestly, out of all the pets I have seen this one has got to be my favorite of all. Hopefully, I'll be able to raise enough money for a custom. I'll no doubt settle for winning one in a flatsale; however, I assume if I don't ever win one that I might as well start saving now. ^^
Item: Angelic Headband
Type: Avatar Item
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 80,000
Comment(s): One of the rarest items that I've ever wanted and probably one that I will try and get---someday...
Item: Bani Clips
Type: Avatar Item
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 30,000
Comment(s): What...? It's cute and white... and it matches my outfit...
Item: KiKi Kitty Plushie
Type: Avatar Item
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 30,000
Comment(s): It's a cute item that would match my avatar's outfit; I love cats and to carry one around would be awesome.
Item: Orphin/Guardian
Type: Breedable Pet
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 15,000
Comment(s): I just stumbled onto this new forum recently and I love the art. I am the probably the most picky person at breedable pets (that's most likely why I don't have one yet), but these are so pretty. I love the fact that you have a child and an animal together. It's an awesome combination!
Item: Doll Ears
Type: Avatar Item
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 5,000
Comment(s): I was told by Sian, a friend of mine, that this would look good with my outfit and I completely agree. I decided that I really wanted to them, and somehow I hadn't noticed them till lately.
Item: Sapphire Forehead Jewel
Type: Avatar Item
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 2,000
Comment(s): I think I've wanted one of these since I first got on Gaia in 2003... <<; Pretty sad that I don't have it yet; anyway, the reason I want one is to put more blue into my avatar's costume and also it's very pretty.
Item: Navy Ceramic Mug
Type: Avatar Item
Current Progress: 0 Out Of 550
Comment(s): Just listing this here so I remember that I want this to help mix the blue into my character's outfit. Right now the shades are so overcome by the white, and I thought this would be a simple and nice touch. I don't drink coffee; however, who said I couldn't put Dr. Pepper in the cup? XD
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Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 @ 01:49am
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 @ 05:46am
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Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 @ 12:49am
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Greetings all! Let me be the first to tell you thank you and show you my gratitude that you have been as kind as to come and read my personal journal. Since I'm sure little of you know much about me, here is a bunch of my stats which will help to let you see a bit more of my personality.
Basics
Full Name: Jackie Lee Florian (or Payne)
Nickname(s): Kanashimi, Sabrina, Sabby-chan, Tiger, Jackie-Wacky
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Ethic: Caucasian
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Dirty Blonde
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 120lbs.
Shoe Size: 9
Background: Dutch, Scottish, German, Canadian, French, Hungarian, Irish, Comanche, & English
Relationship Status: Taken by Tim Wirshing (aka PA_Shadow)
Mysticism
Religion: Interest in Wiccan and the Occult; however, not determined
Sun Sign: Pisces
Tarot Sign: Cups
Element Sign: Water
Planet: Neptune
Chinese Sign : Goat/Sheep
Archangel: Gabriel
Spirit Guide(s): A male named 'Princely Guardian'; a traveling water spirit named 'Shedina'
Gem: Aquamarine
Favorites
Color: Blue
Animal: White Tiger
Food: Pixi Sticks
Music: Anything besides rap or country
Singer(s): Tori Amos, Alanis Morisette, Michael Buble, DJ Encore, Jason Marz, Keane, and much more
Song: Missing By Everything But A Gir, Hanging By A Moment By Lifehouse
Band(s): Evanescence, Linkin Park, Trapt, Frou Frou
Writer(s): Stephen King, Vivian Vande Velde, & Anne Rice
Book(s): The Alex Rider Series (Anthony Horowitz) & Salem's Lot
Comedian(s): Denis Leary, Ron White, George Carlton
Movie(s): Moulin Rouge & Shawshank Redemption, The
Actor: Ewan McGregor
Actress: Undecided
Anime(s): Sailor Moon, Ah! My Goddess, Shamanic Princess, Revolutionary Girl Utena
Manga(s): Mars, Sailor Moon, Ah! My Goddess, More Starlight For Your Heart, Vampire Princess Miyu, Demon Dairy
Bishies: Vash - Trigun, Baron - The Cat Returns, Kiba - Wolf's Rain
Video Game(s): Final Fantasy Series, Star Ocean: The Second Story, Clock Tower Series
Hobbies: Anime/manga, roleplaying, drawing, biking, swimming, singing, writing, and graphic design
Account Name(s)
DeviantArt: Kanashimi-Tenshi
GFX Intervention: Kanashimi-Tenshi
Gamespot: Hope_Angel
GamesFAQHope_Angel
Maple Story: Selinya
Conquer Online : Selinya (Server: Crystal)
Xbox Live: BLUESNICKERS
At the moment that is all I can think of at the moment; however, if you wish to know anything else about me then please PM me. Don't be shy, I enjoy talking with new people and speaking about different things.
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Kanashimi
Community Member
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