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-looks up at the clear night sky, in which one is able to see the constilation orion and the bright clear moon- God, is it just me or do the good runs only last a few weeks in my relationships, I mean, I know Kim loves me and you know I love her, but I'm talking about the part of the relationship where there is no worries, most people don't know about it and those that do approve, and congradulate. but then after a few weeks, more people find out, and thoughts change, which usually its at this point that I give up, and it almost sounds like Kim is about ready to, but not this time, I am not going out like that this time, I've done it too many times in the past, and Kim means too much to me for me to just sit down and take it like a punk, I am soo not doing that this time, I am betting my LIFE, that Kim is the one for me, I mean come on, those of you that know me know what I am talking about, you know how I've been in the past, and most of you can see the changes already, granted to me they don't seem to major, probibly because I have wanting to make them for some time now, but Kim has finally given me the motivation. I sware I have to be the luckiest guy in the world to have Kim, even if she doesn't think so, I do, and in time she will see it too, just like in time I will see that I am worth more than I think I am. ok thats enough ranting for now. -looks down at the ground and goes back inside-

time: 01:50

People say 1,200 miles is a long way to go to get a piece of a**. I tell them I am not planning on sleeping with her and they tell me i am crazy and it is a long way to go for a hug ( Friday morning I went to see an exgirlfriend of mine who is engaged just for a hug because I was feeling down ). But I am willing to make a commitment to Kim and I feel that driving 1,200 miles wil prove to her that I am in this for the long haul. The cost for gas alone will be around 400 round trip, that's not including food an other such expenses. Kim needs to know that I would not do this for anyone else, she is the only person. In the song My December by Linkin Park, it is pointed out that "I would give it all away for someone to come home to." I would give everything away to be with Kim, I would say money is no object, but recent weeks have proven to be tough because of a lack of the green, and I am willing to endure (i use that term loosely, its mainly me not being able to go out to lunch at work) more for Kim. But this is ok, I want Kim to know what she means to me and the only way she could possibly know is to be with me face to face, only then can you feel the "Vibes" of another person, you can get an idea from a web cam, because you can see their eyes, but in the end you are only looking at a computer screen, not the person themself. I need Kim to FEEL the way she makes me feel, not just hear or read about it. I Believe that simply meeting me face to face will show her how I feel, not to mention the cost of the meeting, both time wise, energy wise, and monitarily. But as long as Wally (my big boss) gives me the requested days off, I will be able to perform this sheer act of love. And I am looking forward to it with all my heart. Well I gotta go, I have a few things to do before i leave work. Kim, I love you, and I will see you Soon.

-looks around- tell me agian why i decided to stay, i could have moved back to ohio, where i have friends AND family, but instead i decided to stay here. In oklahoma where i have neither. -sighs- there was a time when i had the companionship i needed here, i had both a girlfriend and a good friend, but nope, i had to go and screw the whole situation up, then pressed with my mother moving back to ohio, i decided to stay, granted i was dating someone at the time, i could already tell that the relationship wasn't going to last long, and my friend had been in alaska for almost a year at this point, damn i miss that guy... Andrew, i need to talk to you man, anyways, i chose to stay, when i knew it was going to be a lonely road for me, but why... why did i decide to make myself miserable? i mean, if i was still in school i would understand it completely, but i'm not, i haven't gotten my deploma yet, so don't qualify for the scolorship at the canadian vally technology center, so i cant just go there like i had planed, wow, it seems that this just gets better and better, thinking back i actually had plans for myself after mom left, and frankly none of them are happening, and i doubt any of them will... about the only good thing to come out of me moving out on my own, is that i got back to gaia because i've been a lonely little b*****d, -shrugs- but it doesn't change the fact that i have no one close to me here, the biggest thing i miss is the companionship that i used to have, i miss having a girlfriend because i miss having someone to hold, i missed living with Kaeyla because there was always someone there to talk to, always someone to hold me when i was depressed, much like now... except no one is there... it's just me, by myself, all alone, -sighs- it seems that i can not do anything right, that causes me to end up in this situation. as i said in one of my past posts, most people can say, i see myself doing this, this and this in five years, i can't, because i look around me now, at what i have and what i don't as far as friends and people close... its enough to drive someone crazy, i fear for my sanity and my ability to live, i've hardly eaten the past few days, i've just kinda lost the will to eat, there have been times that the only meal i would eat is lunch at work, and that is a meal at 7:30 pm we only have a half an hour to eat and we typically go to some cheep fast food, causing me to buy cheep food that i doesn't fill you up for very long and to top it off its not healthy for you... -sighs- in the girlfriend department i had a hope, had one... the hope was a girl i dated once before, though we broke up because of my stupidity, i have been trying to get back with her, she expresses a want to go back out with me although she is dating someone else, i don't want to take her from her boyfriend, mainly because of my inferiority complex that makes me feel that he is better for her, and i don't want to take that from her, but the idea of me dating her seems bleek simply because of the fact that we don't talk, right now in a girlfriend i'm looking for someone i can see maybe once a week, -chuckles then sighs- its getting to the point where i'm ok seeing someone even if its just a web cam, anything to make me feel that i'm not alone in this world, i know physically i'm not alone, there are billions of other people, but spiritualy i feel sooo alone... its just not right, i'm 19 i should be looking forward to the future not talking like this, like my life is over because i'm alone, when it comes down to it i am the only person i can count on, although even that looks dim... because when i need even myself most i back down, even if its something as simple as just walking over to some chick i don't know and saying "Hi, my name is Bruce" but even when i want to do that i think of all the negative things, she has a boyfriend, she isn't interested in someone like me, i won't like her anyways, and the thoughts just roll and roll, over and over, but i feel stupid afterwards because thats when the "what if"s settle in.... its just crazy, i'm crazy, dang i'm thinking i need to see a shrink... so many places i wish i were, i wish i didn't even move down here in the first place, i would much rather be in washington then down here anyday. -shakes his head as he listens to "diary of jane"-

well well well... this has been interesting, i started using gaia again after an extreamly long break, but i'm happy i did, i still feel lonely but not as much as i did before, now i have some friends that help me though it. me and kim claimed eachother earlyer, which was cool, the bond that comes from claiming is neigh unbreakable. in other news, i'm living on my own, have my own apartment and such, have a good paying job, i work 3:30 pm to 2:00 am or 4:00 am but it pays well, much better than Taco Bell did, mom went back to ohio to take care of grandma, which is part of my lonelyness, the other part of it is my job, i sleep through the day, and am up at night, which leaves me with no social life. -shrugs- but i've made some new friends on gaia, i must say, i'm happy that i come back to gaia, because there is always someone waiting for me, even if they don't know it, but for now, i think i will just stick around.

why do i always end up feeling this way, its always a matter of time till i want to either kill or be killed, i am suddenly not content with the life that i currently persue, not that any of this matters any way, i mean i would much rather die than live at this point, but i don't see me living much longer anyway, you know how most people can say, in five years i see myself doing this? i don't... in five years i see nothing, probibly cause i'll be nothing, i'll be dead... but hey i don't fear death... i just don't want the pain... and damnit i'm thursty.. it ******** sucks... i have to settle for my own for now, i know that i don't have anyone close enough to me willing to go through with blood letting... not anymore anyway... you wanna know the crappy thing... now i want to cut... just like i used to... cut on my leg where people don't see but i feel... it would be as it should be... it keeps my mind here in the physical, stops it from thinking these stupid thoughts of suicide and death... -shrugs- i guess i'm more morbid than i thought

well this time around this is gonna be my more private journal, the serious one, the one i spill all the beans, even those that will hurt people, my other one i attempt to save peoples feelings but i need a place to vent about things that i can't talk about there, and since not many people use gaia that i know IRL i'm pretty well set. so get ready for the ride of my life...

i made a post in my live journal, and usually i copy them over to here... but i decided i would rather have only those that actually give a crap about me read it... so if you are interested the links in my profile...

"Respect" Jagged Edge

ohh whoa ohh....

I respect a man raisin his kids all on his own
I respect a man who makes sure he takes care of home
you gotta respect a man with good judgement
cuz I'll be damned if someones takin care of my kids
and I respect a man who treats his woman like a queen
I know you're not perfect you aint gotta be so mean
no matter how strong she is for a woman
a man should never attempt to lay his hands on her

[BRIDGE:]
There's more to life than what happens an your block
just treat your women right and hold em at the top
gotta raise these kids and teach em, never dont ya stop
you aint no man to me if you let your family starve

[CHORUS:]
Got no respect for them dudes who hit they women and
got no respect for the fools who leave they children and
I just wanna take care of my family
got no respect if you aint trying to do the right thing

Got no respect for them dudes who hit they women and
got no respect for the fools who leave they children and
I just wanna take care of my family
got no respect if you aint trying to do the right thing

I respect the type of girl that tries to love a man
with many flaws and broken laws but still he stands
the kinda girl who turns a boy into a man
the kinda girl who turns a flop into a plan
no respect for those who walk through life just askin you
what you can do for them but still they hate on you
it dont take no man to make that baby
but yes it takes a man to raise that baby

[BRIDGE:]
There's more to life than what happens an your block
just treat your women right and hold em at the top
gotta raise these kids and teach em, never dont ya stop
you aint no man to me if you let your family starve

[CHORUS:]
Got no respect for them dudes who hit they women and
got no respect for the fools who leave they children and
I just wanna take care of my family
got no respect if you aint trying to do the right thing

Got no respect for them dudes who hit they women and
got no respect for the fools who leave they children and
I just wanna take care of my family
got no respect if you aint trying to do the right thing

Fellas we gotta make a change
in the way that we treat our women and our children yes we do
hope thats there's a better day
put your hands to the sky
if you want a change, need a change
see all that you know it dont really mean a thing
if you cant show some love to the ones connected by your blood
cuz in the end all that matters is your wife and your kids

[CHORUS:]
Got no respect for them dudes who hit they women and
got no respect for the fools who leave they children and
I just wanna take care of my family
got no respect if you aint trying to do the right thing


this song describes me, i mean i've been this way since before i heard the song, its not like the song changed me, it just reinforced me.

Storm
Life is like a melody, sang deep within my soul, sang deep within to me.
And all these chains that shackle me.
They won't let me take control
They wanna take control of me.
I've got to rise above my life.
To find the reason I'm alive.
I'll save myself, I'm all alone.
I've opened my heart to see there's nobody home.
It's up to me, I'm on my own.
The message of life is turning
Facing the storm.
Life is filled with your memory.
You were deep within my heart.
You were deep with inside of me.
With all this pain that I'm wrapped around.
If there's a heaven up above,
I see the angels falling down
I've got to rise above my life.
To find the reason I'm alive.
I'll save myself, I'm all alone.
I've opened my heart to see there's nobody home.
It's up to me, I'm own my own.
The message of life is turning
Facing the Storm

this song gave me hope when i had none. this song helped me through the tough times of these holidays, remembering my past, remembering what i once had, and realizing that i had become numb to the feelings of those around me because i had become, in a way, heartless, afraid of being hurt again. And now I am Turning Facing The Storm.
I am determined to make it though The Storm.