My state of mild depression is lifted, pretty much because the military is medically discharging me since I can't deploy thx to my food allergy. And the guilt, doubt, worry and pain I put off in December after suffering from this depression horribly, is suddenly gone. I am tired, yes, but its 0230. I am blissfully ignorant of what I need to do, which includes cleaning my room. But I'm so happy, that naturally I will be cleaning. In feng shui, it's stated that the state of the home affects the person and vice versa. I firmly believe this is true. The worst I'd ever seen my room was several weeks ago, an accumulation of sickness, ridiculously long work days, uncertainty and minimal self-worth.
Anyway, I digress. I love that phrase since I do alot, but gotta only bring it up occassionally. I cried a little when he said he'd missed me and why he couldn't reach me. I had a similar experience once. I accidentally threw away my phone, while it was on. Everyone thought I was mad at them or something had happened. I digress. I know I love(d) him, I missed him and that our chemistry was unbelievable. But right now I can't feel anything. The barrier I put up between me and my feelings for him is so tangible, I can almost swear there's concrete sitting in my chest.
I can guarrantee though, as soon as I hear his voice again.......that wall will start crumbling and I'll likely start bawling consequently. I hope he doesn't freak out. At this point, I don't even remember him very well, his personality or anything, though I once was good at predicting everything he would do or say.
God, I'm cold. How, how could it still be cold here when it's almost April! Really, going by my childhood early March is the beginning of a short, dry spring and long, initially-very-wet summer.
I'm cold, I'm actually cold. Just last week I was in Texas again. Got several priceless things. Like a short short, pleated plaid skirt, a bumper sticker saying "I'm from Texas. What country are you from?" and a really cute, really good quality, pinstripe charcoal gray vest. Doesn't go with the skirt. It was in the high 80s 3 in the morning! And during the day it was mildly hot. I sunburned during a 20 minute nap. Hells yeah!!
"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
Benjamin Disraeli
