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I just found out last night that my boyfriend reads my journals. Well FU Stephen. I'm still gonna write what I want to say.

Alot has happened since the beginning of this year.

My supposed crush, David, was just that; a crush. I can't talk to him and he doesn't try to talk to me. I'm not his type anyway. He apparently goes for skinny, loudmouth busybodies who dress like they should be going to clubs instead of work.

My roommate is honestly bugging me (sorry brent but its true). he owes me money, he hardly does anything around the house now that he has started this new job, and just want my space. Its just been adding more stress to my life to be living with someone.

I've had to move nearly all my cats in to my small one bedroom apartment. I've put up flyers, asked shelters, but no one will take them. Brent said he would adopt 2, and Izzi (a friend) said he would take two too but that still leaves me 5 or 6 cats (not including the 3 i'm keeping) still living in my house (two of whom are pregnant cause my mom let them outside before they moved in with me).

Now that I mention Izzi, he's been a new subject of "sort of" stress. He's the type of guy that gives every girl respect and kindness (even though he looks very intimidating), and he is just a sweety. The reason why he was added to my 'stress list' is because I know he does or did have feelings of more than friendship for me, but because I already had a boyfriend he respected his boundries. As Izzi said he "wanted to make sure that he (stephen) knew another dog wasn't gonna try to piss on his tree" . Which is a weird way of putting it but oh well.

One night I had to get a ride home from work from him. I was really stressed and we ended up talking and bonding more than friends usually do (No Stephen, nothing happened). I ended up sitting in his lap crying for about 10 minutes while we talked about why I was so stressed. Then we drank buttershots and hypnotic right out of the bottle with my roommate. it was kinda funny to find out that me and izzi have the same favorite liquor and the same favorite flavor of smirnoff.

Anyway, because I could never see myself permanently in a relationship with him (mainly because i don't see him as that attractive and he already has a kid), my interests were mainly sexual, but because I can't see myself leaving Stephen I could not persue my interests. I asked Stephen if he would be okay with a threesome and he said okay but my contact with Izzi has dropped since he left walmart so the idea hasn't been passed on or acted upon.

My "ex" Ty, whom i was with for less than a week won't call or answer my texts. he probably doesn't want anything to do with me after I dumped him. he's still in the navy and his mom said he won't be back till august.

i've started taking birth control pills. the hormones in them settled me down a bit but i'm still out of control, and if i don't take it on time, i get moody and emotional. I started taking it so my sex life with stephen would go farther but he doesn't want to take the risk. we both don't want a kid yet and i don't even know if i can sustain the relationship. i'm still confused about my feelings but i desperately need someone to hold me like stephen does. But of course he pisses me off, leaves the toilet seat up, hurts my feelings when he forgets that i'm body conscious or sensitive about a subject; sometimes i just want to hurt him. He can be sweet sometimes one minute and be a totall jack@ss the next. i'm starting to get tired of using the 'i'm his first girlfriend so he just doesn't know' excuse.

The biggest issue; My ex, Matt. I found out that he has infact been living with his new girlfriend since before October. In other words, he found some one in less than 4 months of breaking up with me. My suspicion is that it was probably less than a month, about the time when he moved out of his parents house to live with his friend Alvero. He said that didn't last long before he moved in with her but he won't tell me any dates. So that means I was replaced before I was dumped. How shi11y do you think that makes me feel?

Not only that, but now I see all the lies as plain as day and feel like a fool. Like the rash on his neck because he supposedly wore a metal necklace (he can't wear necklaces or he breaks out), was actually a hicky. I knew it but I let him lie to me.

Anyway, I found out that Nicole (his girlfriend) was sent to the hospital in October so they could be sure that she wasn't doing drugs. Matt says she gave up drugs for him, but I think she gave it up and it was just a conincidence that he was there. She was to stay from October to January 22, and he said that he would still talk to me and come visit.

No visits in three months and he won't talk to me unless it's in a text around noon on sunday. and if he doesn't answer then i get depressed. I asked him to come visit on the day that would be our anniversary but he didn't respond to my texts after that. the next week, we talked like normal and i didn't bring up the subject but last sunday he didn't respond to my text message. (That's what was bothering me all through lunch Stephen) I'll try asking him again but my hopes are pretty low that he would agree. he has nicole so what would he need me for? i just don't know where i stand with him anymore.

again that's my life. whee and yay for it's patheticness.

(call me later stephen. i want u to spend the night soon. hopefully wednessday night since we don't have school the next day)